Tales From The Pensieve
by solochan2014
Summary: Remus is trying to find somewhere new to live. Sirius is taking far too many risks. Peter doesn't feel he's taking enough responsibility whilst James and Lily struggling to keep a handle on things. A Remus-centric Post-Hogwarts First War story following the major events between 1979 and 1981. Rated M for heavy amounts character death, mild sexuality, angst & themes of violence WIP!
1. To Share

_Wormy was here last weekend, I thought he seemed down,_  
_but that was probably the news about the McKinnons; I cried all evening when I heard._

_Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: __Chapter 10 - Kreacher's Tale_

**_Chapter 1: To Share_**

"What is this massive news that you brought out into the cold to tell me?" Sirius asks as he leans over the pub table. Lily is practically glowing and Sirius knows but he's impatient to hear it from the mouths of the newly engaged.

"Not yet. We want you all to be here," James said with a wiggle of his eyebrow that causes Lily to roll her eyes and hit him gently in the ribs. "Wormy and Moony are on their way."

"Well Wormy is _always_ late." Sirius groaned, "I can't explain why Remus isn't here."

Lily shrugged gently. "I'm sure we'll know when he arrives, couldn't you go get the drinks whilst we wait?"

Sirius nods, sliding out of the booth, knowing full well he's being excused so they can snog. Was he always that annoying when he was dating? He hoped not.

As he stood at the bar he checked the time, James had said exactly eight but there was no sign of Moony and it was almost half past. Sirius felt his forehead crease. He wondered if he should pop over to the hell hole that Remus called a flat.

He decided against it, Remus did what he needed and if that meant living in a squatter's hell no one was going to tell him to stop. The stubborn bastard.

"Where the hell are you Moon?" Sirius said to himself, checking the seconds click away and was most delighted to be distracted as the bartender came over.

"Four of your best _Wild Witch Ales_, oh and a Butterbeer."

Maybe if Remus drank too he wouldn't be so uptight all the time?

* * *

Mr Predeghast was a big man with a dirty blonde beard and small puny eyes and they were bearing into Remus's skull. The hallway was filthy, and people sat curled up in sleeping bags and Remus, dressed in a shirt and tie and looking remarkably too old for his age was trying to understand what he had done to make this man look at him this way.

"Mr Predeghast, all I want to know is why have you changed my locks? I have paid you in full for the last four months without fail…"

Still, the landlord didn't seem to want to speak, statuesque and looking rather terrifying where he stood. Remus didn't know if he had to speak slower but he doubted this was going to end on good terms.

Finally, the landlord spoke. "I don't have werewolves as tenants. I made that perfectly clear when you moved in."

Swallowing Remus took a breath. So _he had _found out. He thought it was because one of the homeless drug addicts had used his room whilst he had been kipping at Sirius's the night before.

"I –"

"I am not letting you rent that property again, you _filthy dark creature_. Do not come back here again or I will blackball you in this estate. Is that understood?" With that the landlord went to close the door and Remus panicked and stepped between the door and the frame.

"But _wait_, what about my things!"

Mr Predeghast seemed to have expected this because he suddenly threw down a cardboard box. Remus could hear the sound of something smash as it hit the concrete ground and as he scrambled to the floor to pick up his things the door slammed shut after his landlord. He decided then that maybe he shouldn't knock again and ask if he could have the month's rent he'd paid for upfront. That would be suicide. So now, Remus Lupin was left alone in the hallway.

The young werewolf, nineteen and now homeless for the second time this year looked down at his things with a sigh, at least it was in a form he could carry it with. He checked around him, only to remember that despite it's appearance this block of flats only housed wizarding occupants and tapping the box he shrunk the cardboard box an it's contents easily so it fit into his jacket pocket and as though nothing had happened he focused on his next destination.

He'd made a promise to be out for a drink, like hell he was going to turn up even later than he already was because he'd been kicked out of his home.

* * *

"What's the time Petey?"

The youngest marauder checked the clock in the hallway. Despite this being the first time he'd spent any time longer than just an afternoon at his very new girlfriend's house he'd done it just enough times to start remembering where everything was.

"It's just turned eight forty-five," he told her, looking around for his coat as he had somewhere to be. He would have been there forty-five minutes ago but luckily his lady had kept him busy.

"Well, I've got to get to this party for nine. You'll come back tomorrow won't you Peter?"

Marlene McKinnon had made Peter weak at the knees for as long as he could remember, he simply nodded, his eyes wide. He was always too eager he knew it, but he couldn't help it.

"Yes, yes of course, rapid dogs couldn't keep me away!" He gave her a nice nervous laugh, something he couldn't outgrow if he tried.

"So dramatic, Petey. Please don't forget you're meeting my mum and dad and my brothers…so…just try and be casual."

Peter didn't do casual; he always felt like he was on edge and if he was meeting her parents he would be no different. At least he could try, couldn't he?"

Marlene kissed him on the cheek and he smiled fondly at her. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Well, we'll be at the meeting anyway…"

Marlene made a face, then remembered. "Oh, Petey…you know the Order, I don't think it's a good idea we tell anyone we're dating yet. I know it's been a week but…"

"That's fine."  
"It's just, I don't think it's safe…not with everything that's going on."

Peter just continued to nod on automatic pilot. "Sure Marley, you said it. Won't say anything. I'll keep your secret safe."

Marlene smiled at him and this time she gave him a proper kiss, kisses he liked best that made him wished he was staying later than he already had and then with a squeeze of each others hand they apparated.

Time to catch up with old friends.

* * *

"Took you both long enough!"

Sirius was in the bathroom within the couple of minutes Remus and Peter arrived. Lily was in the middle of kissing Remus's cheek when Sirius spread out his arms as though he was about to do a handstand.

"Mr Moony, been a long time" he said.

Remus curled an eyebrow upwards. "I saw you this morning."

"And I hope to see you tomorrow morning as well, but the hours just take too long."

Usually, Remus would have laughed but there was something about the way he held himself tonight that made Sirius worry. He didn't mention it though as he then ruffled Peter's hair.

"And how's life Wormy?" Sirius intoned as the rat and the dog sat opposite.

"Good. Really good," Peter gave a nervous smile, which told Sirius there is definitely something going on there too. Why were all his friends keeping something tonight?

Well apart from James, but he could read that big lug's face better than he could read his own. The ex Head Boy coughed for attention and the other three turned to face him instinctively as they had always done. James was their leader. James was…well James.

"I…and when I say I, I mean we, have asked you hear tonight to tell you some wonderful news."

He looked to Lily who looked back at him and Sirius could see that despite her own reserved look she gave to her boyfriend, something else was playing in her eyes, admiration or something. Sirius had always struggled to Lily but he could read James and that was enough.

"James asked me to marry him this afternoon." Lily said at last revealed her left hand and on top of it sat a beautiful engagement ring.

"What a whopper!" Peter crowed from his side of the booth before clapping his hands. "Fantastic James, fantastic! Well done both of you."

Remus was staring at the ring like it was some sort of deadly object before finally snapping out of it and giving the lovely girl a small smile.

"It's beautiful Lily," Remus finally said, as if finding his voice. "Really, I'm very happy for you both."

Despite the obvious underlying problem the others knew better than to push, if Remus had something to say he would certainly say it. He did however hug both James and Lily tightly and sit back down.

Sirius was grinning from ear to ear of course; it was exactly what he had expected it to be. He jumped from his seat from the booth and tackled the engaged couple with so much glee that he seemed to jump back in time to an age where that was perfectly acceptable in public.

"When are you going to get married? Where? Are we coming?"

"You think I could stop James having his friends at his wedding?" Lily quipped. "You are funny sometimes Sirius."

Remus was playing the frays of his jacket as everyone spoke and Peter sipped excitedly at his Wild Witch Ale that thankfully Sirius had paid for.

"Well, we're thinking of marrying in two months time, it's quick but…well, with everything going on…" James ran a hand through Lily's hair. "We want to be married soon and we want it to be quiet. Just a few friends and family. We don't want to attract too much attention…"

Remus nodded sombrely but he gave them a smile. "Dare I ask where?"

"There's a little place in the north of Scotland, you'll all love it its beautiful..."

Peter was smiling from his corner when he spoke. "So who's going to be your best man?"

"Me of course!" Sirius said with a bark of a laugh, his whites of his eyes matching his teeth as he bared them to James. "Well, it is isn't it?"

James opened his mouth to speak a few times before unashamedly - not meeting Remus or Peter in the eye - he gave a nod. "Well, you are the best at causing a ruckus, might make you settle down if I give you responsibility."

It was clear that Lily wasn't impressed that James had let Sirius make decisions about their wedding and Remus was too involved in his Butterbeer to make a comment. The most upset was Peter who wished right then he was still with Marlene in her lovely little house where he was the centre of that little world, after all he was friends with James too, wasn't he? Didn't he deserve to have a shot at Best Man?

"I'd better make a move." Remus finally said, shifting from the booth. "I have to get home..."

Lily's eyes creased. "I don't like that flat Remus you need to get out of that…that awful place."

"I assure you Lily I will be doing everything I can to find somewhere else to live," the werewolf told her with a hug and was nudged in all which directions by the rest of his friends before he started to leave.

"And where's my hug Moony?" Sirius mused out loud with a bit of a pout. Remus rolled his eyes and let the marauder hug him and for a second he seemed like he wanted to speak, to say something – anything, but he didn't. Instead the werewolf gave a small wave and he was out of the door as quickly as he could muster.

Sirius turned back to James and Lily confused, then to Peter.

"He was only here half an hour…"

"Well, he's not really a night owl is he?" Peter said and Lily gave a nod.

"His last moon was only a couple of days ago, it's possible he's not recovered yet." Lily counted on her hands as James ashamed sipped at his drink. "Have you lot been to see him recently?"

All three men spluttered and protested.  
"Order mission—"  
"I…was with you all that time."  
"And I was…working."

Lily frowned a little and turned to look to the window, maybe tomorrow she would go see if her favourite werewolf would like some ice cream before the order meeting. Besides, she would love to see what she thought of their venue. If James was her husband then Remus, who did everything to keep her in the loop of this mad house they called the Marauder's family was the only one who she could have a civilised conversation with…for the most part.

"Another drink Lily?"

Lily shrugged but nodded, "Sure, but something small, we've all got to be at the meeting tomorrow."

_Because tomorrow,_ she thought sadly, _life goes on, the war continues and one marriage to a Mr James Potter wasn't going to make him stop killing people we love._


	2. To Fight

_"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies,"_

_Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Chapter Thirty-Seven - The Lost Prophecy_

**___Chapter 2: To Fight_**

It had taken less than a second for what felt like a normal night to fall apart to dust.

She heard her name being shouted but she wasn't focusing on sounds any more, only lights that travelled towards her, as many charms as she could muster. She had to be fast, had to be quick, had to –

A hand had grabbed hers. A hand that wasn't James's.

Because James wasn't here. She knew that at least and she was relieved about that. She was spinning and she was now behind a wall and all of all people Sirius was smirking at her.

"Hey Lils'" She could hear the sound of curses but fortunately what cover Sirius had given her was giving her a gentle reprieve to get her head back into the game. "Aren't you glad I'm here?" he asked her. "They're distracted by something and James wouldn't forgive me if I left you alone, we should go-"

Lily was still trying focus as she took a breath, then another. Who knew breathing would become this difficult? Lily had to remember what was happening before the attack.

And then she finally remembered like a slap round the face. They had been walking, their night shift at the train station. They had been joking, laughing together about the red head spending too much time with him and not enough time with James.

_"Time enough after the wedding to be Mrs Potter, someone needs to watch out for you."_  
_"I'm perfectly fine, Lily."_  
_"Did you move out of that hell hole yet?"_  
_"Still working on new lodgings…"_

"Where's Remus?" she suddenly asked, berating herself for not realising sooner.

Sirius frowned then, "Remus? He's with you? I didn't see him…" This information upsets Sirius greatly, not quite the heroic rescue he had thought he had been doing.

Lily nodded, her eyes wide. Where had her friend gone, why had he disappeared?

But of course he hadn't disappeared. Lily put two and two together with Sirius's attempts to save her and the death eaters being distracted by someone else. She also knew the moment the curses suddenly stopped, and Lily carefully moved her face to look beyond the wall.

Her heart leapt into her throat.

Remus had been doing well out on the platform, having taken out the two death eaters that had ambushed them…but unfortunately it wasn't just them he had to worry about.

"_He's here._"

Sirius knew whom she was talking about. Knew whom she meant was behind that wall. They both knew they needed the rest of the Order, they needed back up. Now.

"Alone are you?"

Lily couldn't help but feel a sense of pride amongst her fear as she watched Remus from behind the wall. The young man, who always looked to long for his body was standing as straight as he could manage. His wand had been taken off him and someone – no, something that was someone once was circling him.

"I'm alone. The Order will be here any second, and you'll be outnumbered." Remus said his eyes sunken as he kept his composure calm.

"Of course, what a good little…_puppy_ you are. I don't believe you. Where are the rest of your friends…where are they hiding?"

The Cruciatus curse that leapt from Voldermort's wand sent Remus to the floor, buckling in pain. Lily almost screamed but Sirius covered her mouth, holding her still behind the wall. She turned to look at Sirius with tearful eyes and even Sirius seemed to be fighting back something. They had seen Remus in pain before, but not like this.

What were they going to do? They couldn't just stay here and watch whilst…whilst this monster tortured their friend.

They had had friends had died for doing less than speaking to the Dark Lord, Remus wasn't making his case for survival.

Sirius looked like he was ready to move and Lily shook her head. This was too much. They were nineteen, they weren't ready, and they weren't aurors….

But they had to do something. Lily wrestled herself out of Sirius's grip, stepped from her hiding place and aimed her wand. She didn't even know what spell she cast but suddenly she had his attention. Her green eyes hard as stone as she held up a shaky hand.

"Stop. Stop hurting him!"

Remus was looking at Lily from his position from the floor, shaking his aching head, trying to stand.

"I am indeed hurting him. Is that a _problem,_ Mudblood? Maybe I should hurt you instead."

Lily swallowed and her wand was still pointed in his direction. "I'm not afraid of you."

But she _was_, she was so afraid and her eyes still focused hard on Voldermort's cruel ones to keep her from running. She wondered if this was a good time to think on praying and all that muggle religion her family were into. If she was ever to get out of this alive she would need a miracle.

But even as Sirius rushed round to join her, even as Remus struggled to get up off the floor and Voldermort raised his casting arm something else happened. People were arriving all around them.

First it was Peter. Then it was Marlene, then James then Caradoc and others, other order members that Lily and Sirius was relieved to see…

…and then Dumbledore.

_Dumbledore_ was here.

Well that changed things. Voldermort looked quite happy to take on the rest of the group until Dumbledore appeared and with a snarl the Dark Lord apparated. In the space it took for everyone to arrive Sirius and Lily now stood together, finally safe and emotionally drained.

Caradoc was the one who picked the werewolf up, Marlene rushed to Lily and gave her a hug. Meanwhile James, Sirius and Peter rushed after Caradoc to take Remus to sent St. Mungos – though James hesitated briefly to confirm Lily was in safe hands.

"Miss Evans?"

Lily had been buried in a hug from Marlene when Dumbledore spoke to her in usual soft tone.

"Once you've seen to Remus, I'd like a full report on your shift, if you don't mind."

Lily shuddering a little from the shock, glad that Marlene was there because she was sure she was the only thing that kept her from dropping to the ground in a sob. "Yes, Albus."

There was a snapping nose and then she was gone and the scene from the train station might never of happened and no one would notice the following morning.

* * *

"You could have died you twit!"  
"Nice to see you too, James…"

Remus was lying looking rather docile in a hospital bed. Fortunately for him, his werewolf condition left him pretty well trained on pain so it was only really a precaution to dose him to the eyeballs with painkiller potion. He was barely able to function.

"I really hate these potions, I can't control my face."

James, Sirius, Lily and Peter were all crowded round his little bed. James and Lily were holding hands, whilst Lily stroked hair out of the werewolf's face Sirius was subconsciously patting Remus's leg. The werewolf was right. He couldn't control his face. For the first time in a long time, Remus Lupin looked less like a walking crease, all his frown lines had faded and his eyes ever so sleepy, he looked his age for once. Shame he had to be dosed up to look it.

"Your face looks good Moony," James assured him. "Thank you for saving my fiancée back there." He looked to Sirius, "Both of you."

Sirius swallowed, then looked back to Remus, not willing to hog the limelight for once. He was staring hard at Remus and Lily wished sometimes she knew what was going on in the marauder's head.

"You could have died, Moony…" Sirius said carefully. "You should have just hid. You should have run."

"Didn't have a choice" Remus muttered, looking like he could soon be asleep. "Would have probably died either way."

Sirius watched Remus carefully, and then looked to James and Lily. Peter was also very quiet whilst watching Remus in bed.

"You okay Petey…?" James asked, his youngest friend seemed most stirred by the nights events.

Peter just nodded, his eyes a little glassy."Maybe Remus might want a change of clothes when he wakes up, we could collect it from his flat."

Remus seemed to open his eyes wider. "No…No. I'm fine. Don't need new clothes…"

"But what you were wearing is covered in dust." James suggested, "It wouldn't take a minute…"

"I like those clothes…"

Lily frowned deeply, as usual she always seemed to be the first to put things together, that and Remus's face was certainly much easier to read and she what she read then was fear. "Why can't we go to your flat?"

Remus was almost asleep due to the potions, despite his panic. "Because it's not my flat anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Sirius was now looking very annoyed at this, wishing Remus was sober enough to talk to them straight.

"Thrown out. Three weeks ago. Night of your engagement…"  
"Bloody Hell Remus, why?"

"Oh you know….the usual furry problem."

A pause, Remus's hair was falling over his eyes, they were sure he'd be out any minute but they had to know the answer to the question that hung in the air.

"And where do you live now?"

"Everywhere…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Moony?"

Remus Lupin didn't reply because he was out for the count and Lily slumped against James's shoulder and Sirius ran a hand through his tangled black hair in frustration.

"Stubborn bastard."

Peter bit his lip. "I can't believe he's…he's homeless? That's what it meant right?" he said looking round to them all as if daring them to tell him he was wrong, but Remus hadn't said where he lived, Remus had said everywhere. That suggested so many things.

James looked to Sirius and they shared a look and a silent exchange between them that Peter had never been able to share.

"I'll make room for him to come home to mine," Sirius said as they all looked at Remus, he suddenly smiled mischievously. Lily knew that look, as did all of them and she wasn't sure if Remus was going to pleased with this idea when he woke up.

"Might be fun to house with a marauder again, anyway," Sirius crowed. "Time Remus learnt about the real bachelor way of living."

Despite all the laughing that followed as Remus slept, they all shed off their worries with smiles, at least tonight would soon be over and another day would begin with no hopes and worries to think about but hoping they made it to the following day together.


	3. To Dance

_"Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. He was very good-looking, his dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James's nor Harry's could ever have achieved, and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully, though he didn't seem to have noticed."_

_Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 28: Snapes Worst Memory_

**Chapter 3 - To Dance**

Being a Pettigrew meant a lot of things for Peter. The first was that he was blonde. Everyone in his family had been blonde, then white and then balding as it was quite clear on his grandfather's head. He had never known his father but apparently he had been balding too. The second thing was that he was always behind everyone else in terms of well…everything. Peter's mother had been second best at everything her whole life and he had watched, just behind. She had always tried so hard and she was never upfront. Peter always felt he had the same problem. Though hanging around with Remus, Sirius and James had not made his life any easier.

But then Marlene turned up, Marlene had said he was brave and bold, Marlene had thought him a part of her life, she'd not said so but she had let him be in her bed, let her hold her like no one else had ever let him.

Today that's where he lay, staring at her ceiling that danced with multi-coloured lights.

"Mar?" he asked her, his girlfriend was curled up next to him and his eye line traced the lines her shoulders made. She was all skin and curves and hips like he could never imagine. "Mar? Are you awake?"

"Do I have to be for this conversation?" she spoke into her pillow with a groan, her hair spilling out behind her like a fan.

Peter smiled and leaned over to kiss her shoulder turning back to look at the ceiling. "Why can't I be your date today? For the wedding?"

Marlene finally looked round at him, to look at her lover, blonde and blue eyed and small in build. She was in comparison long in every sense of the word, long hair, long chin, long nose, just long…as tall as most of the order members. This morning as she looked to Peter her eyes were distant and blurry and all he wanted to was to help her take the sleep out of her eye but thought against it.

"Peter we've discussed this. I don't want to tell anyone…"  
"But it's been two months. _Two months_ Mar…" he insisted.  
"I'm not ready, you can understand that can't you?"

Peter looked away from her, his gaze boring into him and he lay back into his pillow. "Well, I will need to get changed into my robes for the big day. Will you be there?"

Marly scoffed a little. "Peter, I'm her _bridesmaid_."

Of course she was, how could he forget that sort of detail? "Oh, right…of course. Maybe you could save a dance for me?" the words spilled out too late to take them back. Was it so bad of him to want to dance with her in public?

Marlene McKinnon gave him one of her fiercest looks and he turned away not wanting to face another glare and jumped out of bed to get changed.

"Oh and Petey?"

"Yes Mar?"

"I'm going to need my flat tonight, order business. Can you come over tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure!" Optimistic for another night like the one he'd just had. "Sure thing, I'll be with you tomorrow but I'll see you later today anyway."

Because today was a nice wedding, a nice little wedding. Just what the order needed to pick up their spirits.

* * *

James knew that Remus was only changing the subject because he was now standing at the front of a very simple registrar office waiting for his bride to be and his best man to turn up.

"Sirius has never been domestic Moony, you know that. If it bothers you so much, why don't you tell him instead of telling me?" James's eyes searched the crowds of people behind them, though you couldn't call it _crowds_ merely a gathering of friends. It was only a max of fifteen people and that included mostly Order members on duty. Dumbledore stood near the back with Mad Eye Moody who seemed to be exchanging jokes; Minerva McGonagall was also sitting near the back, looking lost in her own thoughts and James wondered if her beau had asked her to marry him again and if she had declined – again. Silly woman.

Otherwise the rest of the crowd included Frank and Alice Longbottom who had married straight from school, Dorcas Meadows a nice young witch who had graduated in September, Remus's mother and father whom Lily had met one summer in Diagon Alley and of course his other marauders himself, Remus and Peter. Lily's father and Marlene were obviously with the bride herself but that was it in terms of their little gathering.

Sirius was the only one who hadn't arrived yet despite Remus's assurances that Remus had woken him and told him that the wedding was today and where and the time.

"You try telling Sirius to do anything in that place…" Remus muttered he was also focusing on his parents in one of the back seats before turning to James.

"You will tell Lily again for inviting them?"

"I will, but so should you, for the fiftieth time. I don't even know how they met?"  
"That makes two of us…"

He checked the time again and he was getting more and more impatient, playing with the silly tie that Lily had said colour co-ordinated with her dress.

"It's a dress, what doesn't it matter?" he said under his breathe, his eyes still on the back of the room when Mad Eye opened the door to let in a very hurried Sirius.  
"Phew, no bride, thank merlin. I think she would have killed you if I was late-" Sirius intoned but from the look on his friend's faces Lily was the least of his problems.

"Where were you?"  
"I err…got lost?"  
"You're wanted to be best man, and what's happened to your suit?"

Sirius looked like he had been dragged through a hedge, his hair tangled now matched his dusty attire that Remus started attending too brushing down his shoulders. James was standing with his arms folded, very happy actually for the distraction of Sirius being an ass compared to his future wife being about to enter.

"I sort of run into someone this morning."

Remus didn't say anything but James swear he heard a noise of tongue clicking as he fixed the frays in Sirius's brand new jacket.

"Who did you run into Padfoot?"  
"It was nothing."  
"Then tell me."

Sirius swallowed hard. Remus finished fixing his suit so Sirius looked less like a zombie and more like a dashing rogue. At least all the dust was gone. Sirius pulled at the lapels of his jacket before he spoke but Remus knew just from the way he half met James's gaze that the marauder knew already he was in the wrong.

"Bella was skulking around near the flat and so I wanted to give her a piece of my mind."

That was enough to make James's eyes widen, he looked round to the guests who were fortunately too far taken with their own conversations. Even Mad Eye wasn't his paranoid self as Dumbledore offered him a _Bertie-Botts Every Flavoured Bean. _

"You fought Bellatrix Lestrange – wearing your best man robes? Where did she think you were going, to work as a muggle waiter?"

Sirius swallowed, his own realisation was starting to sink in. Poor guy just never knew when it was good to be impulsive. "She knew about the wedding she said-"

There was no time; James shook Sirius's shoulders. "Just…go and tell Albus what happened and don't tell anyone else. No more panic. There are plenty of protection spells on this place…we should be in the clear."

"But Prongs!"

"But nothing, and once your done, come back here and try and calm me down without telling me rude jokes about my future wife? Alright?"

Remus had never seen James look so pale in his life, tight-lipped and Adams apple bobbing up and down like a yo-yo.

"You alright?" Remus asked and James finally turned to Remus to look him straight in the eye. He saw fear in his eyes and it wasn't Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Yeah, yeah I think so. Big day."  
"The biggest." Remus said softly, he turned back towards the exit watching Sirius rush over to Dumbledore who excused himself out with the marauder in tow. "You're a lucky guy."

James smiled, Remus's words tickling him, a spark coming back into his face. "Why thank you Remus."  
"You are, Lily is lovely. I couldn't think of a better wife. I see the way she dotes on you, on all of us. She's totally everyone's mum."

"Not everyone's." James said with a bit of a wince, "Or that would be a bit weird." He continued looking out towards the door. "She really does do her best doesn't she? To take care of us?"

He could almost hear the lopsided smile from where Remus stood as James kept checking the door.

"Well, we can't be trusted to take care of ourselves and I haven't got the energy to take care of all of you by myself but I'm into deep the friendship now to pull myself out."

"You wouldn't want to even if you had the choice."

A deep chuckle. "No, that's true."

Before they knew it Sirius was back, looking a little pale but all right, they didn't ask about Bellatrix. Remus took his seat next to Peter and Sirius kept poking the groom to distract him until at long last the back door opened to the registrar's office.

Lily looked stunning, Marlene doubly stunning as he bridesmaid and Remus watched James's fear completely fade away. The werewolf caught his smaller friend watching Marlene, whose legs were very, very long indeed and Remus wondered if the intention of Lily was to put her best friend in the shortest dress she could find.

"Isn't she _pretty_ Moony?" Peter said quietly before Lily reached the front. Despite the fact he was looking at them both Remus had to wonder all of a sudden whom Peter referred to.

"She is," he said with a smirk akin to Sirius's. "They _both_ are."

The pair shared a glance, but said nothing sharing a mutual understanding, Peter a little red faced as they looked on to watch James and Lily tied the knot at last.

* * *

The dancing was what Sirius was looking forward to most from today, the outrageous dancing to muggle music that Lily had picked for them. Of course, it was a small crowd and usually small crowds don't like to dance outrageously but this small crowd that were determined to enjoy themselves.

Lily and James started the bandwagon of course with their first dance, but soon Sirius was dancing on his own. It didn't help that Sirius had requested "Boogie Wonderland." The threat from this morning was over at least and James had not focused on the problem for the rest of the day.

Despite having a muggle mother, the song startled even Remus. He was unable to stop the laugh that escaped him as Sirius Black started parading around the little room they had made their reception hall. It started to get much worse and Remus despite bobbing on the spot had no intention from dancing with them all, he suspected as he stood staring at Mad Eye who was also looking grumpy that he was destined to remain the non dancer of his group.

"You're not dancing?" asked Remus's mother, who had just put on her coat. It appeared that new modern music was just too much for the older Lupins and their son couldn't blame them.

"No way." Remus said with a matching smile. "I'll just watch, I can't dance."

Hope Lupin kissed his cheek. It was only as he got close that Remus sense something was wrong. He had had to keep Sirius in check most of the day he hadn't even thought to go over to his parents to see if they needed a check up…he swallowed.

"Is everything alright?"  
"Come to the house next week? Have dinner? Lily called on us a few weeks ago…"

_Ah_. Remus was going to have words with the bride tonight about that little slip up.

"I didn't want you to worry."  
"I'm your _mother_, I'm _allowed_ to worry about you."  
"So what exactly I am I _allowed_ to do?"  
"Come over for dinner and not feel guilty for eating with us."

She kissed his forehead, which to do meant he had to bend down so she could reach and he saw something in her eyes, unspoken, hidden. He said nothing but gave her a little nod and waved to his father who stood at the door and then without any fuss the pair of Lupins disappeared out of sight.

He tried to shake off that thought but turning back to guard the dance floor. It had got worse in the time he had turned away. Even Peter was up dancing to the _Electric Light Orchestra's "Don't Bring Me Down"._ Remus was hoping he didn't have to watch Dumbledore dance. He was fearful that if he did he wouldn't get the image out of his head and he was still not used to Dumbledore being a colleague not his headmaster.

Sirius finally joined him by his table, heaving and panting. "This is great."  
"How much have you had to drink?"  
"A couple of firewhiskeys. Why ain't you dancing?"

Remus gave Sirius a look, "Do you think I'm going to dance? With you lot?"  
"You have before, what's the difference now?"

Remus knew that that time before was after having his drink spiked by Mr. Padfoot and Mr Moony gave him hell for it for almost six months.

Sirius Black leant up against the table, admiring the pretty Order girls whom had come to the wedding and he nudged Remus in the stomach with his elbow.

"Isn't she just shining tonight?"

Remus caught Sirius's line of sight, Marlene was spinning with Lily whilst James had gone to grab a drink.

"Careful," Remus said softly, "Peter carries a torch for her." Their Peter who was currently with James who was patting him on the back as they waited to get to the little bar.

"_Wormy_?" Sirius spat out. "Oh Please. Like he would ask her for a _dance_, let alone anything else."

Remus frowned, "You know that's not fair, he's not like you."

"You mean dashingly handsome?"

"_No_," Remus snapped, unhappy with Sirius's attitude. Peter was their friend, not a random stranger. "I mean as in he doesn't falls for everything with legs and a pretty face."

"And If don't leave it?"

Remus sighed; it wasn't as though Peter would stand up for himself against Sirius. Remus just raised his arms in defeat. "Just be nice to him won't you? Dorcas is free over there. See her, she's very free and she's pretty."

_Very pretty._ She was almost complete contrast to Marlene. Dorcas was dark haired and short with a figure. Marlene was all legs with long blonde hair. Sirius checked Remus's line of sight but he was smirking.

"Do you a deal, I'll leave Marlene alone for Peter, if you go dance with Dorcas."

Remus opened his mouth in protest, not feeling very good about this agreement. "Oh that's not fair, you know I don't – I mean—" Remus felt his collar seem to constrict his breathing and wished he could remove his tie. Sirius was chuckling even though he looked like he was the one who was lecturing now.

'You're a man, Remus, sometimes it's a good idea to act like one."

"And if I refuse?" Remus said, his adam's apple wedged in his throat.

"I'll beg Marlene to dance with me and she _won't_ refuse me."

Remus rolled his eyes in annoyance, "You are a cocky ba—"

He didn't get to finish because Sirius decided in that moment rushed off to dance and Remus wishing he had a drink of his own sighed.

"The things I do for my friends…" He told himself, before having to remind himself to put one foot in front of the other started to move onto the dance-floor.

Peter and James put down their drinks on the table, the amount of people were now much less, a lot of the older order members had decided that there was no signs of disturbance inside and were trying to avoid dancing to the awful muggle music and were patrolling outside letting the younger set have their fun.

"Where's Remus?" Peter asked, hoping he hadn't left yet, he'd just got him a drink, which he wasn't sure he'd drink himself.

James nudged Peter laughing. "He's dancing."

"No way. Remus doesn't dance."

But there the werewolf was, Remus was unashamedly dancing, if you could call it dancing with Dorcas Meadows, who seemed more than pleased to dance with him also. Sirius was also dancing, with Marlene McKinnon.

As James laughed with surprise, Peter's mouth opened, staring at Marlene and the way her hips were gestured in Sirius's direction. All of sudden Peter started to feel like someone was gut punching his insides.

"James, I'm sorry but I'm going to go home."

The newly wed looked over from the dancing in surprise, then to Peter. "But you just bought drinks…!" He insisted, looking upset his friend was leaving already.

"Remus can have my drink, if he wants, don't worry…I'm just feeling a little…queasy…might have ate something bad…"

James saddened at Peter's premature departure merely nodded worriedly. "Don't forget to say goodbye to Lily—"  
"Can you say goodbye, please…I really do feel sick…"

Before James could even say goodbye Wormtail was gone and James tried to get back into the dancing mood by sipping his drink as he watched his friends dance to _Dire Strait's Sultan of Swing._

Lily finally found her husband; tired and giddy she leant into him after all of her dancing with friends. "Where did you go? You were gone for ages."  
"Blame our bartender and his useless lack of being able to count drinks…Peter had to go."

"Oh that's a shame, was he alright?"

James nodded, "Think he felt sick…I'll call on him tomorrow."

Lily was still holding James when she noticed whom was left of James's friends and who they were dancing with.

"Is that…Dorcas and Remus…_dancing_?"

James pressed a kiss to her cheek, absorbing her into his arms as they turned to watch the little group. "I thought you would of noticed by now. Do you think Sirius spiked his drink again?"

"I hope not." Lily frowned but at least he looked happy, even if he was doing a sort of half dancing motion holding Dorcas's hand who was positively beaming at him. It was cute actually. Remus didn't date, ever. One of his many quirks. She wondered what had changed his mind about that this evening. Weddings she knew can be eye openers for people, maybe Remus had had an epiphany…?

Meanwhile Sirius and Marlene were getting a bit to into their dancing, red faced and clearly smitten Marlene was holding onto every piece of Sirius she could get her hands on and James was tempted to shout get a room but they were so enhanced by each other's company they didn't notice anyone else. Sirius especially did not notice the way Remus was glaring at him either.

The music finally died down, the crowd started to disperse. Couples went off home, others started to tidy the room. James and Lily were seeing the last of their guests off in an attempt to shoot off themselves. They weren't having a honeymoon the Order was too important, but they had told Dumbledore that they planned to spend the next week having a personal shut in – and they would resume their Order duties the following week. Dumbledore did not protest in the slightest.

Remus was standing close to Dorcas, but he seemed distracted by the way Marlene and Sirius were giving the married couple a run for their money when it came to their kissing prowess.

"Remus, mate I…me and Marlene…" Remus frowned as he heard the drunken slur that was Sirius's current state but said nothing, his own stomach in knots.  
"We're going back to hers for the night. The flat's free for…_guests_."

Remus blushed both out of embarrassment and Sirius's insinuation continued to say nothing After a quickly giggly goodbye to the newly weds Sirius and Marlene were gone barely separated from the hip the entire time. Remus sighed, whilst James and Lily said goodbye to some other people, the werewolf looked to Dorcas who wore a very kind expression. Her brown hair almost fell into her eyes, short and just under her chin. Remus had known for a long time he thought she was pretty, but this was the first time he could say he knew he had a thing for brown hair. He just wished things were different.

"I take it from that look you're planning to leave me here alone?" she was smiling but the question was unavoidable not far from the truth. Remus swallowed.

"I…don't date. I thought everyone in the Order knew I didn't date."

"I think I knew, but I still wanted to dance with you either way." Dorcas raised an eyebrow at him to suggest she knew exactly where this was going but she shrugged her shoulders. "Pity, if this was a date, it would have been a great one."

Remus continued to get hotter under the collar, not daring to tell her he had only danced with her because Sirius made him.

"I did enjoy dancing with you," he said, embarrassed and wanting to kick Sirius really hard in the shins. "I really did."

"Then…if dancing isn't dating I wouldn't mind going dancing again, sometime."

His ears were reddening by the second and were sure he could pass off as a Weasley, running a hand boyishly through his brown hair he just nodded.

"I would like that…_sometime_."

Which he suspected would be _no time_. He suspected a lot of things like dancing wouldn't be priority soon.

Dorcas just smiled at him, distantly to which Remus understood that feeling, and she left to go, leaving the werewolf, James and Lily behind so they were now last in the room; a room that had had a wedding in just a few hours before.

"Well, that's the end of our wedding day." Lily said softly, looking tired. It had been a hard day all round even at it's highest moments.

"Congratulations again, Mrs Potter" Remus chimed, distracting himself from his own failures as a human being, "and of course, Mr Potter. I'll be seeing you in a week when you come out of hibernation."

"Don't kill Sirius in the meantime?" James said and Remus quirked a smile.  
"I don't think it's me killing him you have to worry about, have a good honeymoon."

With that the werewolf left the room to leave and apparated to his home, to Sirius's flat and despite knowing he had enjoyed the day, that he had enjoyed the dancing he felt very flat about the whole affair. Despite his hard attempts he couldn't stop thinking about the way Peter had looked at Marlene that afternoon before the wedding started, or the way Sirius had dismissed the young man's feelings.

_Poor Peter._ Remus thought as he tucked himself into his bed on the couch at Sirius's after pulling off his suit jacket and kicking off his shoes. _Poor anybody for that matter. Who could ever look like a catch when they were weighed and measured on all sides by the beautiful Sirius Black?_


	4. To Learn

_"Andromeda was my favourite cousin. No, Andromeda's not on here either, look. Andromeda's sisters are still here because they made lovely, respectable pure-blood marriages, but Andromeda married a Muggle-born, Ted Tonks, so -" _

_- Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 6: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black_

* * *

Chapter 4 – To Learn

The dancing duo collided together after side apparition bumping bodies as they spun into each other. She leant into the crook of his neck whilst Sirius rest his hands on Marlene's waist.

As her hands travelled his chest, Sirius was heavily distracted. His eyes, grey and fathomless were looking out into the depths of Marlene's flat instead of the girl herself. His mind still played on the events that had lead him to this particular moment.

_"Hey Sirius, will you dance with me? Shouldn't leave a girl dancing alone at a wedding…"_

As Sirius recalled her honeyed tones, he gently turned to face Marlene. "Well, you're certainly a good dancer," he told her, only to notice that she seemed pretty distant herself. Before he could ask he what the problem was, she rushed out of his hold, limbs waving in the air as she rushed to her bathroom. The sound of her being sick was thankfully for the marauder a turn off.

"You all right?" he called out to her worriedly, only to be greeted to more noises of Marlene being sick, so he decided to leave her too it and looked about her home. The little flat was ideal for one, clearly a girls paradise, her clothes tucked away neatly unlike his own which were chucked this way and that when he was bored of them. Marlene's home also littered a variety of photographs, she had a large family. Sirius had met them, her father and brother large supporters for the Order and represented a face for good at the Ministry.

She finally stepped out of the bathroom, looking drawn and pale and Sirius put down a photo of her with her older brother to look at her in her drunken state.

"You should get some sleep…I'll sleep on the sofa," he told her and she nodded feebly in his direction. Even in her own little way she was beautiful and Sirius wondered after all the failed relationships he had he'd never seriously dated Marlene. He also thought of Peter, little Pete who was desperate to prove himself since he was eleven years old.

She was still in her bridesmaid dress as he helped her into bed; she was like a ragdoll, all limbs and no strength. How much had she had to drink anyway?

"Thank you Siri…" she said gently into her pillow as Sirius sat on the bed next to her. He pulled hair out of her face and set buy a bucket and a towel he found in her bathroom. "You're…very kind."

"Welcome to what Moony used to do for us all in the boys dormitory." He said softly. "I've left you a hangover brew I found in one of your cupboards, I'll sleep on the coach and go home later. Just in case Remus _does_ pretend to be a man for the night."

He's not even sure Marlene knows what he's talking about because she seems pretty scattered. Remembering he's still in in his best man robes and he pulls off the tie, which had been loose from dancing earlier. He thinks again of Wormtail again, and his deal with Remus and his stomach clenches. What was it with him and his impulses? Remus had been right; he should have left it alone.

But who would have been able to make sure Marlene was home safe? He assured himself. This was…not fate, but it was meant to happen he knew. He had decided that a long time ago things happened for a reason, that he was friends with James and Remus and Peter all for a reason; apart from being his closest friends that is. There was a reason he was in Gryffindor, why he was in the Order. It was less about choice for him and more about knowing where he was needed.

"Just get some rest hun, I'll check on you before I leave in the morning."

"Sirius…"

The handsome man who had been stretching turned back to look at her, and her eyes bleary and tired looked back at him.

"Would you have danced with me tonight even if I had told you I didn't…would you have still tried?"

Sirius blinked in surprise, "Don't know…" he watched the young order member carefully. "Perhaps, I might not have done if I had thought you were embarrassed of me…" he shrugged, "but you know, you have nothing to be embarrassed of, I'm quite a catch."

Marlene smiled, but he sensed suddenly that the smile was not for him; her eyes were closed as she settled into her pillow. "Goodnight Peter."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, half surprised half unsure but Marlene was already asleep, a smile he'd not seen all night planted on her lips.

"Well, I'd not seen that coming." Sirius said to himself, before turning back to her little living room and making the sofa his own, settling into the fabrics and hoping that his own hangover in the morning wouldn't make for too sore a head in the morning to come.

* * *

He should have just gone home. He shouldn't have been out late on his own. He should just called the knight bus. Should have.

The Order kept saying never go anywhere without letting anyone know where you were going, that it wasn't safe. That you might come across trouble.

But Peter didn't listen, not after the wedding. He just wanted to be alone to digest the actions of one of his best friends.

He began wondering the streets of London until very early in the morning, the morning fog had neatly settled on a very quiet town. Despite the fact he was in a wedding suit he looked like a tramp, large rims of tiredness around his eyes and his hair sticking in all directions.

Why was he so stupid? Why did he think that _Marlene_ would be _interested_ in him?

He turned a corner, muggle London always so quiet he hadn't expected that anyone would be in his path. The dark figure caused Peter to twist and fall, clumsy little Peter. Clumsy, unfortunate Peter.

"It appears Karkoroff was right. He did see you out here on your own."

Peter's feet turned to ice as the Dark Lord stood in front of him. The marauder reached for his wand but Voldermort was quicker, the young man's wand clattered behind him and the Dark Lord pointed his wand directly between his eyes.

"A-Are you going to kill me?" Peter stammered, his eyes wide with terror as the dark lord, The Dark Lord whom he'd been spending the last 3 years hoping he'd never face personally – on his own – was here right in front of him. Just him.

The Dark Lord didn't answer; his eyes instead decreased into slits and flicked his wrist in Peter's direction.

He didn't need to shout what Peter knew was coming, something that fortunately up to now Peter hadn't experienced. The man was on his knees, buckled to the floor with the force of the Cruciatus curse. Peter could only describe it as the force of thousands of sharp daggers penetrating you all at once and then at delayed intervals. His eyes watered as he continued to convulse on the floor until it finally stopped and he lay, staring upwards at the London Sky, his heart racing. He didn't realise he had been screaming until he realised the raw feeling in his throat. His mind was only able to focus on one thing at a time.

"I'm going to delight in torturing you _before_ you die," Voldermort said, "But yes, you will."

Peter's eyes still watered as he tried to think straight, but it appeared his question had changed something in Voldermort's face and he flicked his wand again. It wasn't a cruciatus this time. It was _worse_.

Peter knew very little about Legilimency and how to defend from it. He knew that Dumbledore had encouraged his Order members to take that study seriously now they were out of school. Now, as Peter was staring into Voldermort's twisted face he knew that all of his life would be on display and he could do nothing but watch as he could see in his own minds eyes his memories before him, with his friends, his recent way of life, of Marlene's smile and Sirius's dancing...

And the Dark Lord's reaction was to simply laugh. He laughed so much that Peter wasn't sure if he would prefer the pain, it was just as painful to bring up all the memories again.

Suddenly, The Dark Lord forced Peter to his feet. There was something in his face that Peter wasn't sure he could read. It wasn't quite satisfaction or humour, he was sure that he would recognise that but he hadn't thought he would see humour in the Dark Lord's face.

"You're something of a tag-along are you, Wormtail?"

_Wormtail_. Peter's breath hitched as Voldermort used his nickname; only his friends called him Wormtail, only ones who knew he could turn into a rat, the only ones…

Voldermort was staring right into his face again before throwing him down. "You are the lowest of the low, Wormtail. A rat. A piece of vermin. Is that what they think of you."

Peter continued to shake from where he was on the floor, and Voldermort leaned in. His eyes widening with a strange sense of satisfaction.

"I can make you powerful, Wormtail. I can put you to good use. I can…make you important if you will help me."

Peter started to shake his head, but it was slowly, his mind still ticking over the results of his actions. He even tried to retreat slowly from where he was on the floor but Voldermort continued to walk forward so there was very little of a gap between their faces.

"I can make you better than all of them…I can make them aspire to be as good as you, Wormtail."

Peter's eyes started to widen a little wider, his own imagination getting the better of him. It had been a bad idea to turn himself away from Voldermort because he was suddenly in pain again, a surprise turn of events. The cruciatus sent Peter again in to spasms and screams and when that finally died and Peter's cries died the Dark Lord smiled.

"You will join me or you will die. You will be my spy on the Order or I will make sure personally that I will rip your body apart and you will not die until I say so."

Peter's breathing heavy and his eyes still watery continued to stare at the Dark Lord.

"If you join me Wormtail, your friends will regret the day they ever considered you just a tag-along. Regret that they never showed you respect…."

Voldermort's wand teetered between them until finally Peter made his choice.

He raised his eyes to the Dark Lord and swallowing hard he finally nodded.

Voldermort smiled and without another word he apparated leaving Peter, leaving his spy, to pick himself up slowly from the pavement and make his way back home.

* * *

_4 days later…_

As per usual, Remus Lupin exited the bathroom to the mess that Sirius had created. If he didn't know any better he was sure that Sirius was using him as his own personal maid. Remus really couldn't abide all the mess the marauder was making and after furious attempts to make Sirius clean he ended up doing it himself. He just had to remember that unfortunately, he couldn't find anywhere else to live and he didn't want to sleep rough again.

Remus had only just finished tidying the place before showering as he was planning to meet his parents as promised after their discussion at the wedding. What he came across was a load of dishevelled clothes that had been tucked away out of Remus's gaze and a very messy kitchen.

"Damn Padfoot, am I going to have to put a collar on you before I get you to tidy after yourself?"

Sirius Black appeared from the bedroom, running a hand through his hair to shake it. "It's just my clothes, relax."

"Relax?" Remus frowned, "It took me an hour to do all those cleaning spells and adjust everything in here after you wrecked it. That's just not…well, it's not on."

Sirius laughed but didn't deny it. Besides, he loved winding Remus up. "Don't have a cow Moony, I'll clean up before she comes over,"

The other marauder rolled his eyes, "and speaking of your little date, I wont interrupt. I'll go see Peter or something."

Suddenly Sirius started to laugh, he laughed so much that he had to hold the edge of the sofa that he had been leaning on.

"Oh man, I must be predictable for that response…"

"Yes, you are."

"Well all I can say is, you have nothing to worry about – come back to the flat, I promise…no funny business."

Remus turned to put on his coat. "I've been promised before and I've seen more female skin than I've ever seen in any of your dirty magazines."

Sirius smirked still, chucking Remus over his satchel. "Be sure to give Mummy Lupin a big kiss from me."

Remus saluted, and then without a moments hesitation he apparated to his parents home.

* * *

The Lupins lived in Yorkshire, where they had been living since Remus had left Hogwarts. Lyall had finally retired from his position at the Department for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and this was their reward. The cottage was something the couple had always wanted - something simple and permanent. Remus had enjoyed helping them move in over the summer of 1977 and they'd even set up a basement for Remus – just in case.

Today, the June sun settled over in the east, giving a beautiful glow over the cottage. His mother's old Volkswagen Camper parked on the side basking in the same summer glow and Remus enjoyed coming there to pretend that sometimes the war was all in his head and going home was the only place he was safest.

As he entered the little blue cottage with a smile, which was left open for him, looking through to the small set up, a little wooden table an open plan kitchen tiled in lots of beautiful earth colours where his father stood tapping the kettle.

"'Lo Remus" his father said, his face turned away. "Your mother is in the garden out the back. You're later than we expected you…"

"I'm really sorry, I was arguing with Sirius…as per normal."

Remus smiled, closing the door behind him. As he did he sniffed, he could smell something salty in the area and he turned to look at his father. The man was still hunched over the kettle as he poured tea for the three of them and noticed the old wizard's hand was shaking.

"Dad?" Remus stepped towards the counter. Lyall Lupin's face was a mess of tears, which he had been trying to fight because his face was also red faced and lined like the werewolf had never seen it. His son went the colour of porridge, his hand took his fathers ushering him to put down the kettle – the bloody tea could wait.

"Dad…what is it?" Remus rubbed his hand over his father's back, not sure what else he could do. Had something happened? A friend passed away? Had the ministry denied him access to his hard earned pension? What could affect his father so?

"Your mother…she…she's…"

Remus didn't need his father to finish; he blinked quite a few times hard before rubbing his father's shoulder a little more. Lyall took his son's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"She's waiting for you in the garden, I'll be out…in a minute. I'm just being silly…go on." Remus just nodded carefully and walked past the table, out towards the stable door to see his mother sitting at the patio.

Hope Lupin was reclining in a wicker chair, her face serene as she sat in her matching wicker hat, her hands rest on the arms of her chair with a lemonade on the glass table in front of her. She heard the door and turned gently towards Remus. She was in a beautiful dress, he knew it because she had also worn that dress the day he had come home from Hogwarts, she had nicknamed it "The Big Event" Dress.

Today clearly, was a big event day.

Remus swallowed hard as he sat down in the hard wicker chair next to her and for a moment he didn't even have the courage to speak. He sensed he knew the answer to the question. To hear it out loud would destroy him he was sure, but he had to hear it with his own ears.

"Why is dad crying in the kitchen?"

Hope turned to look at him as she picked up her lemonade and took a sip. She seemed to be considering her reply very carefully before placing down her glass. As she did Remus took her now free hand.

"Mum. Please. Why is my dad - who never cries openly - crying in the kitchen?"

"Must you be so blunt?" Hope said and Remus's throat tightened harder.

"_Must_ you be so dismissive? What is it?"

Hope finally did, and he saw himself in that white face that stared back at him. Her hand squeezed his and his heart started to break.

"The doctors have been running tests on me for the last two weeks. It so happens that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer."

Remus knew from Lily about cancer, knew what it did to her family members. Remus's hand slowly started to squeeze his mother's harder without even realising. He opened is mouth a couple of times to speak but he didn't know what to say.

"Isn't there—"

"Your father has been looking for weeks…there's nothing. I'm a muggle remember." She gave a small sad smile. "There's nothing he can do for me."

Remus's eyes softened, looking down at her hands. His eyes not focusing as his mind seemed to reel with this news. He continued to blink but no tears came, even if they seemed like they should, wet but no tears.

"Mum…"

"They have given me a few months, maybe longer. There are options, muggle treatments that I have been offered. I've decided instead to just stay at home. Your father's potions will keep me going much longer, and let me keep my dignity."

Remus couldn't meet her gaze any longer because he was afraid of what he would see there. How his father was standing in the kitchen was a miracle to the werewolf now.

"I don't want your dad to see me in that state, you understand don't you?"

"I do." Remus said, and even his voice sounds alien, raw and ragged like he'd been shouting for hours. "I just…mum…are you okay? I mean…" he couldn't word his fear, he just wanted to take away all this fear and worry that she must have to know she was going to be gone soon.

Despite it all, Hope Lupin smiled and her hand breaking out of her sons to stroke his hair back out of his face. "I'm fine, love. I promise. With all that's going on at the moment, I think your father is fearful he'll wake up to hear he's the only Lupin left."

Remus's heart tightened, they knew he was in the Order, though didn't know half the things he'd gone through. That and being a werewolf were enough to give both of his parent's reason to worry about him. He couldn't imagine what it would be like for his father to suddenly lose her, to lose his son all at once.

"I promise I'll be careful..."

Hope nodded and kissed her son's forehead and suddenly Remus was five again, sitting on his mother's lap as his father told him stories about his work with Non-Human Spirituous Apparitions. His shadow puppet spells that caused Remus to clap and his mother to laugh as he told the story again at how they met.

Lyall finally joined them in the garden, three teas in large over necessary mugs and he sat next to Hope in his own wicker chair. His face was dry but his eyes were lined in a way his son had never seen.

"Not long until the foods ready," Lyall said, "We've got chicken tonight, your favourite."  
Remus smiled softly and he nodded. "You didn't have to go to the trouble…"

"Nonsense. We don't see you with all those night shifts you do for Dumbledore." Lyall said and he could even hear the annoyance in his throat, which Hope, tried to dispel by squeezing her husbands hand.

"We enjoy having you. How did the rest of the wedding go anyway? Did you dance in the end?"

Remus began leaning back in his chair as he went into detail about the rest of the Potter's wedding. He was happy to divulge and pretend this was just a normal dinner with his parents as the sun was setting now and the garden was turning orange to red as the sun started to fade. Though as he spoke, and when dinner finally came, and as they sat together Remus chewed as his mind distantly continued to remind him that after tonight, he may only have a few nights left with his mother. That after tonight, his father may well be a widow.

Death had never felt so close and far away and as he said goodbye that night all he wished for was to disappear to bed and not have to come face to face with Sirius and any of his floozy muggle girlfriends he was trying to impress.

* * *

The werewolf was greeted to the sound of giggling. Lots of giggling. Remus almost swore, he wanted privacy tonight, perhaps he should just turn round and out again perhaps to Headquarters because he was sure The McKinnon Family would let him sleep in the spare room for the evening.

Until a small little pink haired girl tripped down the step from Sirius's bedroom into the living room where Remus had apparated in.

"Ouch!" The word was drawn out as the little girl pulled herself up. She was wearing denim shorts and a huge muggle rock band t-shirt black with white drawings. Remus wasn't sure if it was one of Sirius's but he was sure he'd heard of the name _Led Zeppelin _before.

The girl watched him suspiciously and Remus was about to speak when Sirius appeared and waved.

"Did you trip kid?"

The kid, the pinked haired girl nodded before looking back to Sirius. Remus having the memory of his dinner blocked out by this fascinating site raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't she too young for you Padfoot?"

Sirius barked a laugh, and squeezed the little girl in a bear hug who tried to resist but Remus could see behind her pretend tantrum was a twinkling brown eyes. She really loved the attention.

"Remus, this is Andromeda's six year old daughter, Nymphadora."

The girl, Nymphadora, suddenly went red in the face and resisted Sirius's hug with full force. Along with her face suddenly her hair went just as red, which caused Remus's mouth to open wide in surprise. He'd never seen anything like it in his life.

"My name is Dora, Padfoot! I told you a million times."

"Right, right" Sirius said nonchalantly, he noticed Remus's face and grinned widely "You'll get used to it. She's a _Metamorphagus_. Show Remus here what you can do kid"

Dora's hair shifted back to her average pink then, now with the heads up from Sirius, her face changed completely. Remus was staring right at his own face. Well, almost. He could tell it wasn't his face, because it was still girlishly round, and it wasn't quite his nose. His eyes though, muddy brown and his hair stared right back at him.

"That's what you call a party trick…" Remus said with a smile, and Dora reappeared beaming at him.

"I can do other stuff, ducks and things, but mum doesn't like me doing it."

"Why not?"  
"The other children think it's weird."

Remus's whole body laughed at that one. "Nothing wrong with being weird," he told her, before looking to Sirius. "I imagine this one was chasing you because it was bedtime?"

He'd left his parents pretty late, much later than he imagined a six year old should be up.

"But she's at Uncle Sirius's house…." Sirius said with a pout. "She's allowed to stay up late and eat ice-cream which mummy and daddy get a night to themselves."

Dora also looked extremely upset about the idea of going to sleep. Her eyes looking to Remus pleadingly.

"She'll never stay again if she doesn't go to bed before midnight, you know what Andromeda's like..."

It was in that instant Remus wondered if he would be a good parent or not because suddenly Sirius and Dora were fighting to get bedding sorted so she could sleep soundly in Sirius's room. He continued to chid her about her name which you could hear through the other room and Remus chuckled to himself as he made them both hot chocolates. When he entered Sirius's room they had turned it into a fort and Dora was surrounded in blankets and miss matched pillows.

"Only Sirius would build his cousin a fort," he said to himself under his breath as Remus passed the pair hot chocolates and sat with them amongst the pillow debris. For a few minutes Sirius entertained Dora with his own renditions of Babbity Rabbity and the Cackling Stump and the story of the Three Brothers before Dora was finally starting to settle thanks to the extra thick hot chocolate.

"We'll be in the next room if you need us" Sirius said to her gently as her pink her started to settle to a blue as she started to doze. The little one didn't answer and they left the door open a crack as they set up the front room for now the two of them to sleep on the sofas.

"She's cute." Remus said as he gathered up his sheet.  
"She is, nothing like Andromeda though, gets all that spunk from her father."  
"Ever met Ted?"  
"No, but I can't see any Andromeda in her at the moment."  
"She's only six. Children change. Sometimes for the better."

As the men settled to sleep, Sirius turned to Remus, his black mess covering most of his face, he needed to get it all cut.

"How were your parents anyway?"

Remus had been so distracted; thankfully, he hadn't had time to let that troubles him. Now it was back to focus and he swallowed.

"Fine…they made my favourite for dinner."  
"Lucky git…"

Remus smiled, a little, before turning over to sleep, his head burying itself into his pillow as he tried to crush those thoughts from coming back but he had no choice. With the darkness came perspective. His mother was dying and he was facing death almost on a daily basis and children were becoming orphans as easily as people were become death eaters. Why was he suddenly feeling that the world he was fighting for was falling away at his feet and he had no idea how to get back to solid ground?

He steeled himself against what he suspected what would be his recurring nightmares and closed his eyes to the sound of Sirius's snoring, wishing that like Sirius, he could switch off the world whenever he liked.

* * *

Thank you so much for the reviews so far, mean a lot. Already wrote roughly 12,000 words for this I can't believe it :D Thank you for all your support!


	5. To Smile

_"From an inner pocket of his robes Moody pulled a very tattered old wizarding photograph. 'Original Order of the Phoenix,' growled Moody." __- The Woes of Mrs Weasley, Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix_

* * *

**Chapter 5 – To Smile**

"You know," Sirius mused as they gathered round the table at Headquarters aloud. "This is the first time we'll have all of the Order in one room…ever."

Tobias McKinnon, Marlene's father had given over one of the many McKinnon properties to the Order of the Phoenix as a secure meeting place, but regardless of it's safety not every member had been there at once. Someone was always on duty shift out in London and someone was always away on a mission. They rarely saw Dumbledore, which sometimes was a good sign. Dumbledore being busy made a lot of the younger members feel very safe indeed. Today however, there was a very important meeting planned. Everyone had to be present. _Everyone_.

Despite how nice it was to see everyone's faces Sirius suspected there was a reason that Dumbledore wanted them all together and he half hoped it was to announce good news.

Marlene was sitting next to Sirius on one side, avoiding Peter's gaze. It had been over a month since the wedding and despite what appeared to be Marlene's effort to apologise, Peter had closed her out and was trying to pretend she wasn't there.

Frank and Alice Longbottom were sitting opposite the Potters; they were talking amongst themselves but were positively shining, whilst the Prewett brothers were talking animatedly to Hagrid and Aberforth – probably about some creature he had found in Forbidden Forest. By the end of the table were Caradoc and Dorcas who were looking over their most recent shift report and whilst Peter nibbled on his fingernails, Remus quietly sat beside him sipping a Butterbeer someone had offered looking lost in his own thoughts. It felt less like a meeting and more like a social. That was until the Hogwarts Headmaster turned up.

Albus sat down at the head of the table and everyone shuffled for seats waiting for him to speak. Remus was so used to seeing the headmaster look at them with a twinkling expression even in his darkest moments that he knew that something must be bad because he only saw the Headmaster give them a sad look.

"It appears that Tobias has been forced to stand down as Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement this afternoon. His alliance to the Order and his bias has been blown wide open by an unknown source and has been replaced with Bartemius Crouch Sr."

Everyone avoided Marlene because she sat there stunned, as his daughter it meant that it would be unavoidable knowledge now about her own standpoint with the Order. That was, if they didn't know already.

"His first order of business is to give Aurors the right…to use unforgivable curses on Death Eaters."

Remus felt himself swallow hard, _that_ was a drastic step. Before now Aurors, as far as Frank and Alice had told them were only given leave to use protective spells. He could see in the Longbottom's faces that they were not pleased with this news.

"But if there is someone…under the _Imperius_ curse…" said Dorcas from the other side of the room, finally voicing what everyone was thinking, "If they are not mindful of their actions they could—"

"We would become as bad as the death eaters are, killing unnecessarily..." Frank said carefully from where he sat, his hand squeezing Alice's. "It also means that they won't hesitate to kill us like they did before if they believe the risk is higher."

Death eaters were cruel, but Voldermort was the one who liked to kill and play with his victims. Death Eaters could kill, but they would more likely kill to save themselves than kill for pleasure.

"I need you all to be extra careful…" Dumbledore said with a stern tone, before looking over to Frank, Alice and Mad Eye who were the only aurors in the room. "When this hits the papers it will cause more panic than necessary."

Remus's tentatively thought of his mother and father and how they'd react if they heard the news, his father didn't sleep nights as it was at the moment. He didn't even catch the way Sirius was looking at him until everyone started to disband.

"Wait, wait a second." The marauder said, Sirius Black had finally had his haircut so it wasn't too long anymore. "I…" he was suddenly centre stage and everyone didn't seem in the mood for a laugh.

"We should…do something because we're all together. We might get another chance to do this. Like a photograph or something?"

"Some of us have places to be Padfoot…" Remus said carefully, he'd been sent word his mother was particularly bad this morning and he was desperate to see her.

"Well, it won't take a minute, why don't we have just one picture? All of us?" Sirius looked round to faces who seemed rather dubious. "For a keepsake. It's just a _bloody_ picture. Besides, It's not like we have opportunities for a big old family photo all that often. What do you say?"

Edgar Bones, a quiet mild mannered wizard in a pointy hat smiled from where he was near Dumbledore. "I'm up for it. What about you Benjy?"

Benjy Fenwick rolled his eyes, "Must we? I hate my photo being taken."

Little bubbles of conversation started to burst out around the table, and Sirius seemed to see positive reaction so he started to funnel people of the living room and into the hall that would be big enough to accommodate them.

"Didn't you say you always carry a camera Hagrid?" Sirius asked as he ushered people through. James and Lily were laughing about something unrelated but hearing such a chuckle seemed to make everyone's spirits raise just a tad.  
Hagrid, his bushy beard almost hiding his wide grin started to check his oversized pockets.

"Peter, you'll help me organise people won't you?"

Peter, surprised Sirius had asked him nodded and started to organise people together.

There were so many people here, people who trusted him. As he filtered people together he almost thought he couldn't bear being in their company. McGonagall, Mad Eye and Dumbledore stood at the front with his brother, who seemed to have their issues because it was Minerva doing the talking. Edgar and Benjy began teasing each other about wearing similar purple hats whilst the Prewett brothers tried to steal them whilst they weren't looking. Sturgis was talking animatedly to Dedalus Diggle, Elphias Doge and Emmeline Vance who seem to enjoy his youthful company. Caradoc shyly putting his arm around Dorcas as they had to squeeze closer to get into the frame for the photograph. Hagrid and all his height stood in the centre at the back like a statue, beaming at everyone and that was without Marlene, Hestia Jones, Frank and Alice and his best friends near the front all starting to prep for their photograph.

When he and Sirius were finished organising people by size and partly into their stature there were a good few rows of people and Sirius had to laugh as he looked upon the sight. Such a band of ragtag heroes like he never did see. Heroes indeed. He remembered the night he and James had joined the Order, they had special t-shirts made; Dumbledore had confiscated them almost as immediately.

Remus looked tired as he stood by James and Lily. Lily started to fuss about the state of her dress to which James assured her with a kiss was perfectly lovely. Remus gave them a lopsided smile but he was lost in his own thoughts. He _really_ had to go…

Then Sirius jumped next to him, setting up the camera with his wand.

"What's the matter with you recently, your being jumpier than Peter."  
"It's nothing."  
"Last time it was _nothing,_ you were _homeless_."

Remus swallowed; fortunately Sirius didn't wait for him to answer as he bellowed out instructions. Hagrid's camera was ready for this moment to be captured, for part of them to be emblazed in wizarding photography forever. Remus couldn't help but wonder if this picture would mean anything to anyone in years to come. Would it be an embarrassment? Or would it be a reminder. A reminder of something good or bad? Remus wished the thought hadn't hit him because he was becoming less and less in the mood for his photo to be taken.

Not that Sirius would let him back out of it now.

"Now, everyone on the count of three shout Hippogriff!"

_One…_

_Two…._

_Three…_

What the photo caught and would keep forever was a group of very scared wizards and witches, all with lopsided smiles and cheesy face smiles. Looking at their friends and families with adoring expressions, eyes twinkling. They were all together; they were all as one in a way no one else would ever see. The Order of the Phoenix for the seconds that they stood together felt united and stronger than it had ever been.

And then those seconds were gone, and people had to go. People had reports, had shifts, had to be back at Hogwarts, be back at work, to go back to a life filled with danger. Sirius gave Hagrid back his camera, which he suddenly noticed Dumbledore taking off him. Guess the headmaster would have to make sure no one who wasn't trust worthy could get hold of the photograph.

"Are you off?" Sirius asked as Remus was tugging on his cloak.  
"I really do have somewhere to be," the werewolf said softly, "Tell Albus I will turn in my report later tonight."  
"But—"

But, as per usual, Remus shut his friend out and the young werewolf was already out of the door.

Lily stood with Peter as James picked up their cloak from the hall when Sirius joined them, clearly disgruntled.

"Does Remus talk to you as much as he _doesn't_ talk to me?"

Lily sighed, "You know how it goes."  
"But I don't understand _why _when…"  
"Moony's really private, if something's up he'll tell us. We have to just wait."  
"I can't spend my life walking around on eggshells especially when he lives in my place. " Sirius murmured and James patted his friend's back saying nothing else as people around them started to depart.

"How's it being newlyweds anyway? Have lots of fun on your week off?" Sirius asked and Lily smiled, moving in closer to James with twinkling eyes. He took James's and Lily's non-answer as a yes. He smirked at them, glad to be distracted. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Peter finally talking to Marlene.

"I think they're dating you know." Sirius said softly, to his friends, out of earshot of the couple who did seem to be smiling as they talked to each other now.

"They _were_ dating." Lily said carefully, "Until you butt your nose in. "

Sirius made a face, "Oh _come on_, I was only dancing with her, nothing else happened anyway. I was the perfect gentleman."  
"You were dancing with her like you wanted to make out with her, Peter noticed."  
"But we—"  
"We put two and two together just like he did, because Peter went home on his own straight after. Of course we only worked it out after we saw how Peter was reacting around Marlene after the wedding. I can only hope they can put it behind them."

Sirius frowned looking to James for support, "I wasn't the only guilty party! Marlene _asked_ me to dance with her!"  
James shrugged his shoulders. "Oh no you don't. Don't drag _me _into this, I'm married and I take all my opinions from Lily now."

His wife laughed but she gave her friend a stern look. "Just don't make it worse than it already is." Sirius raised his hands in innocence and Lily gave him a nod before she turned to find Dumbledore before the couple departed and Sirius wishing he got a copy of the photograph he had suggested also disapparated with the hope that they'd get another chance for photographs.

* * *

"I owled you over an hour ago."

Remus's arrival at the Lupin's cottage hadn't gone the way he'd planned. As the werewolf hung up his cloak and stepped through the stable door, his mother was already asleep.

Lyall Lupin was standing on the bottom step of the cottage, observing his son with a cold look as he stepped in.

"I'm sorry, I was caught up."  
"The Order again?"  
"It was an important meeting-"

"More important than your mother?"

Remus had to bite his tongue, but the words hurt; he almost physically winced at the prospect his father posed. How could he say that?

"That's not fair dad…I was just…" Remus tried to explain himself, but words escaped him. He could banter with Sirius, James and Peter so easily, even Lily, even other members of the Order he didn't know. Why couldn't he pull out words as easily in front of his father?

"Just what?"  
"Dad, it was an important meeting, I'm sorry I was late."  
"Sorry isn't good enough Remus, she wanted to see you earlier and now she's asleep."

Remus frowned, "Why did she want to see me?"  
"She didn't say, probably making sure you're eating." Lyall said. He wore the same frown as his son as he moved towards the table. "She also cooked for you."

"She wanted me here to _feed me_?" Remus asked incredulously. His face was a picture of confusion, lines all over the young man's face, twisting in concern. "What? Does she think I can't take care of myself?"

"I don't and she certainly doesn't either"  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"You look _gaunt_ boy, do you even eat where you're staying now?"

Remus's hands tightened at his sides. "Dad, please don't—"

"Why won't you let us take care of you anymore, we're your parents. We love you and we want to help you."

"I don't need your help," Remus said calmly, but he was on the edge of his patience and it was clear his father wasn't holding back.

"You do if your homeless son, you were thrown out? Why didn't you tell us? We had to hear from Lily. We had to hear third person. How do you think that made us feel when there is space for you right here?"

Remus's stomach clenched tightly as he finally met his father's face, he'd avoided it so far by balancing himself against the wooden table in the kitchen, gripping the back of the chair to keep himself from spiralling.

"It's not safe…"  
"Safe for you or safe for us? We always helped you transform before—"  
"It's different…"  
"It's not different!" Lyall finally said, his eyes wider, his voice louder. "What could be different!"  
"The Order, there are people who…who would…" the poor young man couldn't finish his sentence. The dark lord's face swam into view as did the memory of the cruciatus curse that shook his insides as hard as any transformation…

"Kill us? Like those other poor families? We're not fools Remus…we'd do something to protect ourselves…don't forget my job was-"

Remus took another harsh breath, his father always used his job as an argument, but his father wasn't an auror. He didn't fight death eaters instead he controlled dark _creatures_. It was different.

"If it was that easy dad, I would, but it's not. Mum needs a stress free environment right now…"  
"She's worried about you."  
"I'm worried about _her_, she needs to stay somewhere calm."

"Well, I wouldn't call this calm…"

Both men turned to watch Hope standing at the top of the stairs. Remus could see in the little light from the upstairs hallway that she was already looking gaunter than last time he'd seen her. In her dressing gown and her hair looking matted and unbrushed. Lyall didn't say anything; instead he rushed towards her and helped her as she slowly moved down the rest of the steps to the table that Remus was leaning against, her eyes, almost identical to her sons, were baring down on him and then her upset husband before finally speaking again.

"I could hear you both from upstairs, it's certainly not calming."  
"Hope-"

Hope shot her husband a look and Lyall sat down at the table beside her. His wife took control of the situation from where she sat, tiredly looking her son up and down.

"You don't like being here, do you Remus."

Remus opened his mouth, then closed it again, then found his words, feeling like a petulant teenager. "I do! I mean, I really do. I am sorry I was late. I had to go and see Dumbledore…"

Lyall clicked his tongue but Hope ignored him.

"The Order is important, Remus. I know you are working hard and you are doing a lot for others. I can't be prouder of you."

Remus didn't look up at his mother but he felt the back of his neck burning red.

"We just want you to be safe, as best as you can be…we…are worried about you. We want to make sure that you have somewhere to go when you don't have anywhere else…and that includes transformations or a shelter or…anything you need even if it's just a meal for one."

Remus played with the frays of his jumper, still not quite meeting the gaze of his parents.

"I never intended to make either of you worry. I am working hard…I do forget to eat but I live with Sirius now, Sirius…sort of takes care of me…"

His mother laughed, and it was the first time she sounded healthy, Remus could tell from his fathers face that that little laugh was music to the ears for him too.

"Sirius couldn't take care of anyone, or at least, not the Sirius you tell us about."  
"He babysits every so often, a six year old, he's much better than he was…and he's cooking for me or leaving me take out all the time…" Remus insists, but it's all in jest, he's so glad to hear her laugh, he wants her to continue laughing forever.

His mother smiles, and then she stops laughing. "I just want you to be okay, I worry and I want to stop worrying about you as much as I do. Can you just…make time to pop round properly? Just so we can see you? Even if you owl and say you can't make it, at least…make it round the next day."

Remus still ashamed played with the frays on his jumper and nodded. "Depends on Order stuff because…I can't not be involved all the time, but I'll make time to see you both more than once a week."

This seems to satisfy Hope, more than Lyall, she stands, and both men panic and rush to her to help her to her feet. She's wobbly but she's fine and Remus is reminded of the little cousin of Sirius's countlessly tripping over the steps in his place. He never thought someone related to Sirius could be so clumsy.

"I'm going back to bed, which I think you also need," Hope said eyeing Remus's face and she starts smiling widely at him. "Take your meal with you, don't worry about returning the plate…"

Remus is still embarrassed, on the side is a huge pile of mash potatoes and sausages that have been wrapped in cling film to take with him. He feels like he's twelve again, rushing to take his packed lunch for the train for Hogwarts.

Lyall doesn't say anything, he starts to usher his wife up the step when Remus kisses her cheek she's still smiling.

"I love you."

"I love you too Remus, now go home and perhaps share the monstrous meal with your roommate and try not to get yourself into any trouble until I next see you."

A quirk of a grin, his father ruffles his hair in his own way of saying and as easily as he entered the werewolf was gone with his parents, making their way up the stairs to hope for an easier day than the one that had just passed.


	6. To Fear

_AN: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed/read this so far. I really hope I have been able to bring some sort of depth to the story of the First War with as much knowledge as we know. I'm already aware of some timeline errors but I do hope you can forgive me I'm just trying to write an entertaining fanfic :D_

_Thanks again, __SoloChan_

* * *

_"Yes!" said Karkaroff. "There was Travers—he helped murder the McKinnons!"_

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Chapter 30 – The Pensieve

Chapter 6 – To Fear

* * *

Marlene's face was turned away from Peters as they sat on the side of her bed. The last time he'd visited her room was so long ago, it felt like another world now. He was staring at his hands, waiting for a sign that it was okay to take her hand.

Part of him was still furious with her. Part of him doubted her loyalty. Most of him just wanted to pretend the last few weeks hadn't happened and pretend. He could still pretend couldn't he?

He gently put his hand over hers and she took it greedily as though she hadn't been touched for weeks, her face finally turning to look at him.

"I am so sorry Petey, I am…I should have thought it through, I should…"

Peter bit his lip, he wasn't like his friends, he didn't know how to deal with this, his heart still ached and the memory of his encounter with the Dark Lord had been embossed into his memory and stayed in his nightmares. It was his fault that her father was forced to resign, his fault that she was so unhappy. It was even his fault that she had been outed as an Order of the Phoenix supporter because the Dark Lord had seen as much as an Order member after using Legimency on him….

"It's alright," he said, quietly not meeting her eye fully. "I mean, I was upset 'cause…I thought…I thought you liked…Sirius more than me and…"

"Sirius? Really?" Marlene flushed a little. She was clearly embarrassed about something to do with him that made Peter's stomach clench.

"I mean, I like him, he's one of my best friends but…I only danced with him because I wanted to dance with _you_…I was stupid. I was hoping after all that talk about wanting to dance with me you'd dance with me anyway…"

Peter chewed at his fingernail then, "So you dancing with Sirius is _my fault_?"

"No…no Petey, it's all my fault. I didn't see what I had and…I just…please forgive me. I promise I wont refuse you again."

Peter after a few long moments of decision gave her a small nod. "I just…can we be public, can I hold your hand at Order meetings, can I tell everyone you're my girlfriend?"

_That you chose me. That you want to be with me and not Sirius. Can I at least have that?_

Marlene couldn't nod any harder than she already was. Her hand squeezing Peter's hard. "Of course. Of course that's fine. I made a mistake before and I'm not making another one."

Peter swallowed his eyes focusing on her. He was relieved but his stomach sank as much as his heart lifted. He was now the Dark Lord's spy, he had already started the ball rolling just by his first meeting with him and he feared it wouldn't take long before others will come to find him for information. He was a spy in the Order and she was one of the best witches he'd ever met. She was the daughter of the ex head of the auror department and she had no idea of what he had done, what he was going to do…

"I really like you Peter, I…" Marlene sighed, "You are just this great guy, you work so hard for what you have…"

Peter still swallowed and he nodded gently. "I do my best with what I have, "he told her. Suddenly he was lost in her kisses that he was not expecting. He really wished he could take back that dreadful night, that night in London and all that pain…but he remembered the anger he felt, that raw pain that had hit him as Sirius danced with her, how that had felt. How Voldermort had promised respect, power. A chance to prove himself that he never had with anyone else.

Because he knew Marlene, even after tonight, this was all it was going to be, secret words and kisses and because he feared that after tonight, as Voldermort promised, Wormtail would finally being a use to him.

But he could pretend, just for a little bit longer.

* * *

"Name the Order members. All of them."

Peter's face paled as he stood within a circle of death eaters, he was masked, Voldermort did not want the identity of their spy known and he didn't want Peter to know who was in his inner circle. The young man was shivering and he closed his eyes tightly under the mask as he exhaled.

"I…I don't know all of them—"

"Don't lie to me, Wormtail." Voldermort called from one side of the circle. "I know you know everyone's names…"

"Well there's Professor Dumbledore and his brother…"

There was a laugh, cruel on one side. They knew Dumbledore was in the order, he created the Order, _everyone_ knew that. It was a stupid answer, but it was the first thing that came to his head in his panic.

Suddenly there was a surge of pain, he collapsed to the floor but the mask was still on and there were loads of laughing.

"Answer the question or I'll start cutting off your limbs, you said you wanted this."

"I didn't want to be under a hood like I'm about to beheaded" Peter cried from where he was now on the ground. "You said _respect_, not _slavery_…"

"You _earn_ respect, Wormtail. _Answer the question_."

Peter was shaking, and he started with names, as many names as he could muster, the images of their faces appearing in his minds eye as he spoke. They still laughed; The Order didn't hide behind masks like death eaters did…not at least in the same way.

"Caradoc Dearborn and…Benjy Fenwick…and…and…"

He had to be careful; he knew that he had to still pretend to be in the Order, he couldn't give all these names without his own. "Peter Pettigrew."

The cruciatus curse hit him again as their was more laughter as his names. They knew these people and so as he cried further names, his body continued to ache. "Rubeus Hagrid, he's one…! and Professor McGonagall…"

There was more laughing and a the sound of a growl of impatience.

"You know the names we _want_, the names we _need_? We want to know what aurors are on the Order's side. We want to know who in the ministry is working for you—"

The over ambitious death eater that had spoken on Peter's right was suddenly dead. Even under the black hood he could see the flash of green light and the sound of someone hitting the floor.

Peter started to swallow harder; he didn't want to give those names. He didn't want to give her name.

"Mad Eye Moody and Frank Longbottom are in the Order, and his wife, Alice. They're the only aurors we have…but there are a few others who applying for the training to start this year…" Peter swallowed. "Elphias Doge of the Wizengamot...he's in it too…"

This seemed to stir conversation but Peter wasn't sure why, he'd thought all of them were obviously in the Order. Peter took a breath as he waited. Voldermort may have known Doge was close to Dumbledore at school as Doge was always highly praising him. Being in the Order was quite different and that was the same with aurors...order member aurors meant they were in league with Dumbledore and not the ministry, it made them more dangerous somehow.

"Anyone else…?"

"Edgar Bones and his top trainee, Dorcas Meadows…" Peter said, he was almost counting the names he had left on his hands; avoiding those he cared for most.

"He's one of those hit wizards isn't he?" said a death eater from the other side of the circle; a chill had seemed to go through the set of them. For some reason this made Peter smile to himself, he liked causing this sort of chill.

The young man nodded from where he was, his breathing getting more and more rapid. "He's one of the top hit wizards, been doing a bit of tutoring to the younger order members…"

_That's why you've not killed any of the Order yet. They were ready for you lot from the off..._

Swallowing again Peter realised he was already referring to them as they instead of we. Was this the beginning of the end for the Order? Was this when he really became like them and distanced himself from being an Order member himself?

"Fabian and Gideon Prewett, they're in the Order too. They're training to be aurors at the moment, they've got the bug off Mad Eye…and then there's Sir—"

Peter stopped; he swallowed and closed his eyes. How could he say their names, how could he betray them like this? His mouth was speaking before he could stop, his heart in his throat.

"Sirius Black, Dedalus Diggle, Remus Lupin, Sturgis Podmore…James and Lily Potter, Emmeline Vance…and …and…"

She was the last name on his mental list, the last name he ever wanted to say out loud. The others were surprisingly easier. His voice was hoarse as he spoke. The death eaters seemed to be digesting this information with silence.

"and…and…Marlene McKinnon. Her father gave one of his homes as an meeting place in a place in Paddington."

"Where?" came the voice, the Dark Lord was speaking now. Peter swallowed.

"The Headquarters? I don't know…I mean, I don't…I can't tell because that's all I know."

He said this desperately because it was the truth, shaking like a leaf as his heart knocked in his ribs, " Tobias McKinnon is the secret keeper, and he's the only one who can tell you where it is. I swear! I swear to you I am not lying."

The death eaters were very quiet and Peter wished for the millionth time that he could see, his eyes were watering behind this blasted black hood and he wanted it to be over. He had told them everyone's names. They knew every Order member, every secret he could divulge on their whereabouts and now he was ready to leave.

And it was clear they felt the same, because even as footsteps stepped towards him, the young man's world went black and his body slipped out of consciousness.

The Dark Lord pushed at Wormtail's unconscious form with his bare foot.

"Where do we start, my lord…do we trust this…Wormtail?"

The Dark Lord smiled at his group of followers, if you could call it a smile.

"He is telling the truth and I think it's time we remind the Order of the Phoenix who they are dealing with. I want their blood on the pavements of London."

The smile was still growing on Voldermort's face and despite the cold, the whole of his inner circle smiled back.

As a friendly duo sat outside a café with coffees, Marlene's eyes widened at what Lily had just told her. Her eyes on her friend's stomach, that ridiculously flat stomach of hers.

"You must be joking," she said and Lily, looking peaky shook her head.  
"But…but how…how did?"  
"How did it happen?" Lily rolled her eyes, "that's obvious. It's only two weeks, Marlene. I'm not going to suddenly gain a loud of weight and start screaming at everyone over night."

Marlene smiled, as did Lily, eyes twinkling. "Bet James is excited."

Lily's eyes seemed to soften and something of her excitement disappeared with it, "Actually, he's very worried. We do want a family but…"

She was glad it was Marlene she was telling because she understood. She knew what it was like to have people she loved involved in the war, with her father and brother so intertwined. Marlene's hand grabbed hers tightly before she even had to explain.

"He'll get over it, he will…he's probably just stunned…I know Peter would be."

Lily smiled widely at her at her suggestion of her and Peter, before hiding her smile with her drink she'd bought, water from the coffee shop. "You two _are_ dating then?"

Marlene nodded her chin high with pride. "Very much so…he's just…not like the others."

Lily's eyes softened, despite her surprise as Marlene's words she knew that much were true. Peter _was_ a hard worker, happy go lucky, polite, eager but not, well just not like Sirius or James, nor like Remus either. He just got on with it.

"Really Mar'?" she asked, her eyes smiling with her, "I wasn't sure Peter was your type—"

Marlene just smiled, her eyes warm, "I wasn't sure either…but I was so upset about how upset he was… I'm trying to make it up to him. He is so…so good Lily. There's not a bad bone in his body, I'm sure of it…"

Lily smiled, and then they changed the subject again, how was her father and her brother. Then it was back to the baby talk and names, and how excited James would eventually be to have a little boy or girl.

Lily would wonder later, as this was the last conversation she'd ever had if she'd have done anything different. They always said goodbye with a hug, always promised to see each other sooner, to double date with James and Peter. The glance back as Marlene walked away with such a skip in her step.

* * *

Little Dora Tonks was asleep on Sirius's sofa when Remus entered the flat. It was late, so Sirius must have struggled to get her to sleep. Despite the fact that the other marauder was usually a rather irresponsible adult, he was rather good with his second cousin.

Sirius himself was writing some letters to post at the end of the room, his owl, an eagle owl, tawny in colour and looking bored was pecking at his hair.

"You need to get that lot cut." Remus mused as he entered the room. He was wearing his old Gryffindor scarf that his father had found and wanted to know if he wanted it back. Even with the sentimentality of the thing, it was growing colder these days and it was much nicer than the old brown thing he'd been using whilst on duty.

"Shut up will you, Moony." Sirius said aggravated, he was very focused on his letters and this caused Remus to frown further so he petted Sirius's owl, Avis who seemed happier to see the werewolf than he was to see him writing.

"What's eating you?" Remus asked, their tones were quiet due to Dora being asleep on the sofa.

"Nothing, I'm concentrating."

Remus laughed a little, "That's dangerous you know."

"It's the auror training application. I'm going to apply."

This time Remus did pause, Avis nipping him on the finger because he's stopped stroking her head of feathers.

"You are? But…James said he wasn't, 'cause of the baby…"

"We're not joined at the hip, Rem'" Sirius said, his tongue poked out as he concentrated in filling in the right information. "Besides, that's why I'm doing this. Want to show my godson or daughter to defend themselves."

This thought, that this war would still be going on when James and Lily's little one was old enough to understand there was a war made Remus ill. He finally sat down.

"When's the deadline?" He asked.

"Couple of weeks, want to make sure it's right." Sirius looked back up, gave a smirk. "You should apply, you're a faster dueller than I. I've seen you in a fight."

The werewolf sighed a little. "No I'll pass, I think there's probably all sorts of rules that ban me from applying." He tilted his head to try and read some of what Sirius was writing but then thought better of it. He'd hated it when anyone read his work before it was done.

"I can check it before you send it though, if you want a second opinion?"

"Don't trust me to sell myself to the Aurors, Moony?"

"I don't trust you full stop you annoying twit" Remus replied but the men shared a smile and knew that was a silent agreement to let Remus do just that. Like he had always done with their homework at school.

"Is Andromeda and Ted coming for Dora tonight then?"

"Yeah, they're getting increasingly fearful on attacks in their local area so they've been more willing to leave her with us whilst they look into how they can move to somewhere safer. This flat is impenetrable; as you know…so the only thing they fear is her being hyperactive when she gets back."

"How they getting here?"

"Floo. I'm expecting them in a sec actually. Couldn't keep an eye out could you?"

Remus didn't even get a chance to reply, because a corporal patronus appeared in front of them both, a phoenix. Dumbledore.

_The Order of the Phoenix location has been betrayed. Tobias Mckinnon and his family are dead. Stay where you are and wait for further instructions. _

Remus didn't even get a chance to speak, Sirius was already moving across the room, slipping on cloak. Remus's eyes widened "Where are you going? He said to stay put!"

"Marlene doesn't live with her father," Sirius said hurriedly as he checked he had his wand. "She lives somewhere else in town. I need to check on her, they—"

"Dumbledore said—"

"_Dumbledore said nothing about Marlene_." Sirius said loudly, so much that Dora stirred and started to wake. The marauder took a look at her then Remus.

"Just…watch Dora, I'll find her."

And Sirius apparated, Dora blinked, tiredly and gave Remus a sleepy wave looking a little confused. "Where did Padfoot go?"

The werewolf watched Dora carefully, looking up at him from the sofa and he put his hands into his pockets. "Gone to help a friend in need, he'll be back. Why don't we have some hot chocolate and you can tell me about what you two have been up to whilst I was out?"

* * *

Sirius Black's heart was in his mouth as he apparated outside of Marlene's flat. It wasn't late so he wasn't surprised that her light was on in her room. As he vaulted up the stairs however, the front door was open and there were voices. Voices he knew.

As he reached the front door Frank and Alice came out to stand on the balcony of the tower block, which was also the corridor leading to all the other rooms. When they saw Sirius Frank looked to Alice, who then started walking towards him.

"You shouldn't be here." Alice said, despite being shorter than Sirius she held herself in such a way that Sirius almost felt like he was being order to heel. His eyes continued to stare past her.

"_Marlene_—"

Alice swallowed, doing everything she could to block his view to the front of the flat but there was red stains littered on the welcome mat and she was hoping that that was all he was going to be privy too.

"Sirius, you need to go now, or I will have to take you home myself, is that understood?"

Sirius's stomach was sinking further and further as it was all starting to hit him, as he watched Frank and another auror pull a man out of Marlene's room. He was bound but not gagged and Sirius knew him instantly.

Travers was always thin, Sirius remembered him from the parties his parents used to hold, the death eaters' sharp nose pointed in his direction and danced with glee to see the blood traitor in front of him. His hands were covered in blood, as was part of his face and the top of his cloak and it wasn't yet dry.

"Oh, poor traitor Black…_friend of yours_ was she?"

Frank Longbottom, who where Alice was short, Frank was tall, light brown hair with a widows peek and a fierce look on his face compared to Alice's rounded one as he stuck his wand tighter into Travers' neck. "Keep talking mate and I'll magically sever your vocal chords."

Alice was holding onto Sirius now because she afraid of what he would do she let him go, she could see that he was shivering and it wasn't the cold. "I told you to go home, go home…and wait further instructions from Albus…we'll brief you all properly. I'm sorry…but this is a crime scene now…"

Sirius gave Alice a very tight, white-faced nod before disapparating and Alice Longbottom finally gave a sigh of relief.

She briefly stepped inside the room to check on the personnel inside but then went out again to breath fresh air as she gripped the rails of the balcony as she looked over the edge. Frank finally joined her again at the balcony, letting the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes do what had to be done to the Marlene's room and her body.

"First Tobias and Thomas, now Marlene…" Alice whispered, "They're all dead now..."

Frank's hand took hers as they stood together, just for a few moments before they had to go back to their jobs. Before they called it in to Mad Eye back at the Office, before they had to join the rest of the world.

"It's going to be fine, you know." Frank said, optimistically. As he always did, tall and dark and handsome, the figurehead of the auror department Frank made everything look easy. She knew under all that was a man who worried just like everyone else, who worried about having a wife and a child to protect.

Alice didn't reply, instead she squeezed his hand and went back inside Marlene's room, with the intent to clear up this matter. At least they had caught the death eater tonight, at least he was going to go to Azkaban without a fuss, but in the face of it all it was a very small victory.


	7. To Cry

_"We've been having a little chat, Peter, about what happened the night Lily and James died. You might have missed the finer points while you were squeaking around down there on the bed —"_

_"Remus," gasped Pettigrew, and Harry could see beads of sweat breaking out over his pasty face, "you don't believe him, do you… ? He tried to kill me, Remus. …"_

- The Servant of Lord Voldemort – Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

* * *

Chapter 7 – To Cry

Remus was pacing when Sirius returned, pacing up and down near the fireplace playing with the ends of his Gryffindor scarf. How could this have happened? How could the McKinnons be dead? Well, possibly Marlene was all right. The McKinnons had so many properties across town, there was a possibility they hadn't attacked her home – like Sirius thought.

Sirius suddenly apparated in and Remus stopped pacing. He looked to him, but he knew the news was not good when he saw Sirius's face. He had never seen him look like that before. His young face was tight and white and drawn completely from colour even in the light of the fireplace, his hands clenched at his sides.

"Padfoot—"

"Has Dora left?" Sirius cut off; his face turned away so Remus couldn't see, but he was sure what he had seen of the marauder's face showed signs of dried tears.

Remus just nodded, concerned. "Left not five minutes after you did…Sirius what happened?"

Sirius just shook his head, very slowly. "Dumbledore was right. You were right. We wait for further instructions."

Remus felt his breath hitch because now it felt even more real, Had Sirius found Marlene? How much had Sirius seen before he returned here? The werewolf instinctively reached out to put a hand on his shoulder but Sirius backed away as if that instinct burned.

"I'm going to bed. Let me know if you hear anything-"

Remus never thought he could be so surprised, so unsure of how to act in front of his friend. It was like talking to a stranger "I…of course but…are you okay?"

"Goodnight Moony." Sirius cut him off before he could really finish his question, moving toward his room and slamming the door shut behind him leaving Remus to wallow in his newly confirmed grief alone in the front room with only his imagination to solidify the truth until the report the following day and the sound of Sirius destroying his bedroom in his rage.

* * *

Remus Lupin stood tentatively outside the small brick house, his eyes glancing at the golden knocker as he steadied himself. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation and with the full moon only a day away Remus wasn't in the mood for it either. He didn't really feel he had much of a choice in the matter though as he finally took the plunge. His hand took the knocker and gave it a couple of taps.

Miranda Pettigrew, a small wiry woman with soft features like Peter opened the door giving Remus a hard stare.

"Mrs Pettigrew, I'm Remus…one of Peter's friends from school…may I come in?"

Mrs Pettigrew continued to stare at him, but she refocused her gaze as she shifted her red quarter moon spectacles, before letting him inside with a nod. The house was tiny, clearly just big enough for the two of them, but still smaller than the Lupin's cottage. It was well kept and Peter's picture stared back at him all over the wall.

"Now, how can I help you, Remus?"

"I wanted to see Peter…" Remus said carefully, he knew that Peter had refused to come out for days; he was hoping to help him out of his depression if he could.

"Peter isn't seeing anyone dear…he's really not well."

"I just…" Remus knew that his mother's fussing wasn't going to help, he needed to talk about what happened. It had been over a month now. It wasn't healthy.

"I'm sorry dear, but he is really unwell…I don't think it's a good idea…"

"Remus? Is that you?"

Both mother and friend stared up to see Peter standing on the stairs, looking down on them. He looked awful, his hair, usually a thick blonde was now so fine it was almost non-existent, he had lost a lot of weight on his face. His eyes cushioned by tired lines and were blood shot. Even his voice sounded different, shaky.

Remus knew of course that the death of the Mckinnon family had hit the Order like a ton of bricks. The Headquarters had to be scrapped because its location had been divulged and no one was safe. Now Dumbledore had to find a new location, but it wasn't all that easy to get one when they knew there was a spy within them. The Order began meeting at different homes every week and every time they met, Dumbledore was present at every meeting. Everyone was more paranoid about the other; everyone was more alert and fearful of their lives.

And even with this understanding, Remus could not being to comprehend the horror that Peter felt as he stood there on the steps of his house like a ghoul.

"Hi Peter…" Remus said carefully, not sure if he should continue to speak.

Peter said nothing, he swallowed, as if trying to speak but struggling to find words. His mother looked to him sharply, then back to Remus.

"Look, I'm very sorry but I really don't think this is a good idea, like I told you " Mrs Pettigrew explained. "I know you, and Lily, and Sirius have tried but—"

"No mum, it's alright." Peter said softly. "Can you give us a minute?"

Mrs Pettigrew looked both annoyed and terrified to leave Peter with Remus on his own. She sighed, and then nodded.

"I'll go water the pots…" and she fluttered out of the backdoor out towards the little garden, taking look backs the whole time nervously. Once she was fully out of the door Peter turned to the kitchen counter and turned on the kettle.

"Tea?" Peter smiled in a ghostly fashion that made Remus feel ill. He dreaded to think how he would feel if his girlfriend – if anyone he loved - was viciously murdered the way Marlene had.

"Teabags or tealeaves?"

"Teabags."

Remus smiled, "Sure…I'll have some tea."

Remus stood at the counter as Peter, with a trembling hand set the cups and set about a spoon. After a moment of decision. Remus took over with the kettle as it had already partly boiled and Peter brought over the small bottle of milk. They worked in silence, and once their teas, steaming and set them down.

"Lets go upstairs…" Peter said carefully, his mother's face disappearing from the window. "We can talk more up there."

So Remus followed his friend up the stairs and into the little room and before he sat down he admired the décor with much fondness.

For most who'd enter Peter's room, it would look like a normal boys bedroom, but for Remus it was quite the contrary. Around him was a map of all the exciting things that they had done together in their youth. Old banners that Remus had made for birthday celebrations and paper airplanes and folded pieces of paper that were the first drafts of the marauders map that merely only insulted people that tried to read it instead of hiding any sort of secret map. It felt very satisfying to look at the room, which Remus knew all of them but himself had a version of. James still had the lions head they had made to scare one of their professors sitting proudly in his parents house whilst Sirius's entire flat was a love letter to school, with Gryffindor colours and flags scattered everywhere.

He'd only wished he had been able to steal some of that memorabilia and put it somewhere, but he had always feared he couldn't take it with him and let the others take things home he'd have rather kept himself.

The young men sat awkwardly on the side of Peter's bed because there was nowhere else to sit cupping their steaming mugs of tea.

"How's working going? All good with the owls?"

Peter nodded, his throat tight. His grasp even tighter on the mug, his face downcast.

"I've not been to work…Delbert has understood my absence. The emporium will survive without my tending to the owls…"

Remus nodded in understanding and looked again back to his tea.

"We've missed you at the meetings."

"I've missed you guys. Is…Is Lily still doing that thing with her hair?" He freed one hand from his mug to make a swirly gesture with his hand and Remus gave a chuckle. She was also very slightly starting to show now she was supposedly 6 weeks pregnant but James is sure she has the dates wrong but just afraid to tell her.

"Yeah, suits her doesn't it?"

Peter nodded, smiling a little more.

They settled back into awkward silence. They had so much on their minds, but they were shutting it in. Remus had to sigh, James and Sirius were so good at letting loose with their emotions, having seen Sirius go to town with his grief – or rather heard it in the next room. He and Peter buried themselves in it.

"Pete…" Remus began, trying to see if there was anything he could say, but Peter was suddenly speaking.

"The last thing…she said to me was that she'd see me in the morning…and when I woke up she…"

Remus sat perfectly still, but he could see Peter's shoulders start to shake and he was so unsure of what to do.

"Peter...it wasn't your fault."

It was that that set Peter off, he dropped his tea and hit the bedroom floor and spilled his contents as his face went into his hands. A wail like nothing Remus had ever heard from anyone that made his insides turn to ice. He wasn't sure what to do, to turn and get Peter's mother or to hold him or…

But then Peter curled tighter into that ball, so Remus put a hand onto his shoulder and tried to squeeze.

"I'm…so sorry Peter...I…"

Peter was unable to get out his words, "I…I just…want to go back to how it _was_, I…_I'm so sorry_…"

Remus didn't know what he was apologising for, _for crying?_ He was grieving for Merlin's sake. "You have nothing to be sorry about Peter. We couldn't do anything for Marlene…we just have to stop it from happening again." There was a steel quality to his voice now, his own defence mechanism. "We just need to be the best we can be…"

"How can I do…_that_…being like _this_?" Peter asked, his voice still choking between tears as he waved around his hands "How can I feel like…like this and pretend that everything is going to be okay?"

Peter's red faced looked to Remus now and the werewolf, his insides still ice and felt like they were getting worse by the second was reminded of his own mother. Of how very soon she'd be gone and he would have to fight that grief.

"I don't know, we just…have to carry on." Remus told him, "Isn't that what living is all about?"

"Just doesn't feel right…" Peter said, and the werewolf sighed, as Peter wiped his nose and set about picking up the shattered pieces of his tea cup, he noticed that Remus wasn't facing him anymore, he'd gone to stand in front of the window. Looking tall and majestic whilst Peter continued to pick up the china from the floor.

"My mum isn't very well…" Peter blinked his own tears, surprised, looking up. He paused not sure if he was going to continue speaking and then he did.

"She's…dying."

Peter continued to stare, not standing with the broken pieces of china he put them on his bedside table. "I'm sorry Remus, I-I didn't…know."

"I didn't want anyone to worry…I did it because I didn't want the fuss…why you've not been coming to the meetings recently?" Remus looked down at his shoes. "You don't want to be constantly reminded of the fact that this thing is going to happen, or happened…it's just _too hard_."

Peter was glad for the distraction from his own grief, he stepped toward him. "How…how long…has she got?" he asked carefully.

"The healers said four months, four months ago. It could be any day..."

Peter chewed on his bottom lip and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. The stood in silence, mourning for what they had lost and what they would lose.

"At least…you can tell her you love her, Remus. At least you can be with her…when she goes. You still have that choice."

Remus nodded, it was the only comfort he was ever going to have. He sighed. "Dad…has asked me to move back in…I wanted a second opinion but I haven't told the others. I don't…I mean I want too…but the timing was never right…"

Peter bobbed his head and nibbled on his lip as Remus turned to the teacup in pieces and tapped it with his wand. Magically put back together it stood pride and place on the side table.

"I…think you should be with your dad…I'm sure Sirius will understand why you're moving out?"

Remus gave him a small soft tilt of the head. "You know, that tea is going to stain, if you're not careful."

Peter shrugged, "Mum's good with those spells, I'll ask her to look at it for me once you've left." Remus knew this was his secret cue to leave. He patted Peter's shoulder, there was a smile on the youngest marauder's face now, and it was a turning point to make Peter come back to his friends, they could help if they he let them in.

"We'll see you at the next meeting tomorrow…?" Remus asked, slightly more chipper as he now stood at the door to leave. He hadn't realised how much he wanted to get his mother's illness out in the open with someone he trusted until now.

"I guess so…I just, you are going to tell the others, about your mum aren't you?"

"No, I guess I hadn't considered it…not until I'm ready Wormtail, you understand?"

Peter shuffled his feet and smiled gently, his eyes still tired and his face still read but he seemed better than he had been when the werewolf arrived.

"If you're sure, I promise Moony you're secret's safe with me…"


	8. To Break

AN: **Notes on this Chapter:** Andromeda and Ted's cameo time! Remus moves out, Dora turns seven years old and Dorcas Meadowes makes a huge mistake...

* * *

_"I did not know, for a very long time, the identity of the werewolf who had attacked me; I even felt pity for him, thinking that he had had no control, knowing by then how it felt to transform. But Greyback is not like that. At the full moon, he positions himself close to victims, ensuring that he is near enough to strike."_

_- Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince_

* * *

**Chapter 8 – To Break**

"What do you mean you're moving out?"

Remus was gathering up his things as Sirius started to walk around after him. His books, his clothes, his scarf gathered up into an old cardboard box.

"What do you think it means? I'm moving out."

Sirius swallowed. The young man had dark bags under his eyes due to his latest mission for the Order was keeping him awake on duty in London.

"But where will you go?"

A pause, Remus slipped a book onto the pile in his box. "I'm going home to my parents for a while."

Sirius froze, "To the cottage? but you said…you didn't…"

"Well, I have too. Don't take it too personally Sirius, I like living with you. Even when you make a mess. I just can't anymore that's all."

Sirius stood his ground, instead of following the werewolf he stood in front of the front door, but if Remus was desperate to leave he could just apparated.

"If I didn't know any better, it sounds like you're breaking up with me." Sirius tried to tease, but his eyes were creased and his brow furrowed. Remus sighed as he finally put down his box of limited possessions and grabbed his cloak from the hanger.

"I'm not breaking up with you, I don't—_this isn't a joke_…" Remus said annoyed. "I just have to be somewhere else."

"If it's because of full moon I didn't care about that chair—"  
"Sirius, it's not about that."

Why was it so much easier to explain to Peter than it was to Sirius that he just…had to be with his mother right now?

He knew why. He knew that the moment that he told Sirius that his mother was on her deathbed that he wouldn't leave him alone. He'd be trailing around with a puppy at his heel at his every pause and give him the constant reminder that – his mother was dying and his mother would die and that all his friends would be on tender hooks waiting for it. There were enough things in the world to have to worry about than this.

"Then what is it about?" Sirius was getting impatient. "You pay no rent here, you pay for no food, I take care of you don't I? Dora will be devastated if you're not here Thursday night…it's her birthday! We were going to have cake and everything!"

"I'm just your friend to her, she's here to see you." Remus said calmly, it wasn't fair to bring up money; he'd have paid if he had it but he didn't. The rejection letter for his thirtieth application in the last six months still made him sick to the stomach. "And I won't be worrying about money at home either…so please, can you drop it."

Sirius crossed his arms like a toddler; perhaps he was spending too much time with little Dora.

"You will come round though, for Dora's birthday? James, Peter and Lily are coming. I wanted it special for her, you know? She really wanted to be here, so Andromeda and Ted said they'd celebrate with us…"

Tilting his head, Remus gave a nod. "I'll be here Thursday," he insisted, "And I'll come round, loads of times. I just…can't stay."

Sirius swallowed, his arms were still crossed but he finally lowered them and his defences.

"So…see you soon, the meeting most likely."

"Yeah, at the meeting." Remus said, though he knew in his heart that it would be harder and harder to leave his parents house knowing that's where he would be returning and leaving from each day. "

They shared a glance, Remus smiled fondly.

"Thanks for letting me stay in the first place, Sirius, I really did like staying."

Sirius shuffled his feet, looking gloomy. "Don't mention it…catch you soon Moony."

A twitch of a smile was what he gave back which seemed to satisfy the werewolf and then, just like that, Remus was gone. Sirius continued to stare at the spot that he had left from, then around his home now a bachelor pad once more.

Despite its charms and despite it being his, Sirius found himself feeling sad. The flat felt suddenly too big for just him and his thoughts and wished that Remus would just apparate back and announce he had changed his mind.

But Remus didn't apparated back, he wasn't coming back and sighing, Sirius moved to towards the his room to sulk, wondering just what it was that made Remus want to leave so suddenly.

* * *

"There's a pretty girl here to see you."

Remus was not only surprised, but also amused; as his father knocked on the door of the spare room he'd moved into. Lyall's smile played around his eyes.

"I've only moved in here yesterday…" Remus said, incredulously. He'd expected Sirius to turn up, to implore him to return but not…a _pretty girl_? He sincerely hoped his father didn't get any ideas that he was going to be entertaining in their house, far from it.

"Well, she's waiting in the kitchen, don't keep her too long, you're mother will have all your secrets out of her before you can say Quidditch."

Remus didn't know it was the idea of the fact that his father found this amusing, or that his mother was going to interrogate her but he headed downstairs to find Dorcas Meadows sitting rather rigidly at the kitchen table. Remus started to smile but he noticed something was _wrong_, or different – or both.

"Remus, hi…I'm sorry for coming to your house," Dorcas said, standing up.

Hope smiled up at him, then at her, beaming from where she sat, Lyall bringing over lunch for her and sitting down on her other side at the table. Hope was looking frailer than ever, and this was one of the rare parts of the day where she insisted on being out of bed and enjoying the midday sun.

"Did you both want tea?"

"No, it's okay Mrs Lupin, I only need to borrow Remus for a moment. I don't want to ruin your lunch…"

Hope and Lyall smiled at her, and Remus felt slightly embarrassed at the stare. As nice as it was to see Dorcas it would possibly become a massive talking point for his parents for weeks to come.

Dorcas walked outside to the garden and Remus followed. He offered her a seat at the garden table but she shook her head.

"No, no I won't be long." she swallowed. "I needed to speak to somebody and…well…I thought I'd ask you first."

Remus nodded, "Sure…what's the matter…?"

"It's…Caradoc. He's disappeared…"

Remus blinked, his eyes creased with concern now as he watched Dorcas carefully. He forgot on many occasions that she was a year older than Alice Longbottom, who was five years his senior. Her eyes darted to the ground as she processed her own words.

"Disappeared?" Remus asked carefully. Muggle disappearances had been happening all year, it was one of Voldermort's favourite past-times but he hadn't heard of a wizard being snatched from bed just yet…

"He's just…_gone_. There was a struggle in his home, last night. We got the call this morning and went to check it out with Edgar…I haven't told the Order yet…"

This confused Remus despite his initial surprise. Why Dorcas would come to him of all people? She was a hit wizard – she was a _talented_ hit wizard with plenty of resources in the ministry for that matter. Why…?

"Remus," she began again, refocusing herself, "The MO is identical to Fenrir Greyback's…I wanted to speak to you first…"

Dorcas knew the moment she had spoken she'd made a mistake. This name meant nothing to him and probably for a good reason. She brought a hand to her mouth as something flashed in his eyes that wasn't warm and comforting like it normally was.

"What has Fenrir Greyback got to do with me?"  
"Remus, I'm sorry – I thought you knew—"  
"Thought I knew what?"

Dorcas Meadowes swallowed very hard and moved towards him. "My files…on the werewolf registry…they were updated properly a few weeks ago and Fenrir…is listed as the werewolf who…"

"Who what?"

"Remus, Fenrir Greyback is the werewolf who bit you."

* * *

"I can't believe he hasn't come...the selfish son of a bitch…."

James couldn't remember the last time Sirius looked this angry. He and Lily had popped round, as did Peter whom seemed cheered for seeing them all, to Sirius's place for his cousin's seventh birthday but Remus hadn't showed.

Sirius had rushed into the kitchen and was trying to find drinking glasses for Andromeda and Ted that were clean when James followed to help.

"Did he owl?" James asked, his own worry plastered on his face. Maybe it was more to it than just not turning up…after Marlene's death everyone was a target.

"No, but he said he _would_! Oh I'm so..so…"

James quickly took the glasses off Sirius so he could vent, and not break anything. Instead Sirius clenched his hands constantly, as though preparing for a fight and this made James feel worse. He hated it when Sirius and Remus were at odds with each other, which seemed to be recently more often than not. Couldn't they just talk it out?

Of course not, that would mean getting Remus to _talk_.

"The birthday girl doesn't look happy herself." James said, trying to distract Sirius from his rage, but this didn't help either. Sirius slammed a hand on the kitchen counter.

"She brought a present for Remus because last time he was recovering from his furry little problem and down in the basement" Sirius spat out. "I told him she'd be devastated if he wasn't here…and I was right. As usual. Stupid git."

"She'll get over it. It's her birthday!" James tried to put a happy turn on this. Birthdays were wonderful things usually. "Can't you…just... turn into a black dog and cheer her up?"

"I can't do that in front of Andromeda and Ted, they'll have a freak out moment. Besides, I shouldn't do that…I think I only got away with it that one time because she thought Remus had turned me into a dog…"

When Sirius and James finally returned to the Sirius's living room, Peter and Lily were talking to Andromeda and Ted. Well, they were rather listening as Ted was regaling them of a fascinating story of his youth. The story sounded like it was something to do with being on a scooter with Andromeda and making it his mission to ask her to marry him whilst driving on the most dangerous driving routes. Andromeda looked up at her husband from where she stood at his shoulder, her hand in his and said nothing but laugh.

It was nice to see laughter for the pair as Ted's muggle family had recently been attacked in Essex and there was little to laugh about these days.

Sirius realised that despite the little gathering, Dora wasn't with them. Usually she would be, one of the things that Sirius noticed was the way she loved to listen to people's stories. Her father was a master storyteller and Dora would sit and listen to her father talk for hours if he had the energy.

But when Sirius did find her she was sitting on the front step looking out at muggle London, her elbows on her knees wearing what looked like a beautiful little black dress and slip-ons that her mother had probably forced her into. She looked sadly down at the pavement; her hair had even gone to her natural brown colour that resembled her mothers. Sirius scooted down to sit next to her. Her eyes were large and sad looking, which made Sirius hate Remus all the more right then.

"What you doing out here?" Sirius said, "Birthday girls don't have to sit in the cold…aren't you listening to your dad?"

"I'm waiting for Moony." Dora said, playing with her fingers. "I paid for some chocolate with my pocket money to give him."

Sirius laughed, "Oh yeah, and how much was this chocolate of yours?"

"I don't know, mummy helped me count..." Dora pulled a face, not happy that she had been unable to give the correct answer, but her hair seemed to go lighter. "Daddy said that he likes chocolate, but Moony always gives me some…so it's his turn."

Sirius nods, but he's sad, how could someone disappoint a child like this? He nudged her with his knee teasingly and she copied, before finally resting her head against him. Though this would be a lost memory, her nose would never forget because she would always think of her cousin when she smelt fresh grass and butterbeer after this night. The pair sat like that for a long while, absorbing the night air before the laughing inside got louder and Sirius twigged that Andromeda was trying to find a way of cutting in to her husband's tales, that they had a seven year old to put to bed – something she had been trying to for the last half an hour.

"I think your parents want to go home…" Sirius whispered in her ear. Dora looked up horrified, her eyes watery.  
"But Moony's chocolate…! I didn't get a chance to give it to him…"  
"Don't worry, he'll get it when I see him."

Dora seemed reluctant to give it over but she did. It was even in wrapping paper that seemed to shine different colours in the light.

"You promise you'll give it to him and not have it yourself?" Dora said with a frown.

"Promise." Sirius said, holding up his hands in innocence and so the little Metamorphagus thrust the present into his hands and rushed to her father's legs inside the flat. Ted's hand unconsciously went to her hair and ruffled it affectionately and Sirius watched that as she did so, Dora looking up adoringly, her hair copied his, blonde and straw like and bouncy.

"Thank you for having us Sirius." Andromeda said once the marauder had joined the group. She kissed his cheek and Ted shook his hand and the Tonkses left without a word and Sirius kept his façade for as long as he could until finally the tension tore him in two. He was still surrounded by his friends as he carefully put Dora's gift on the side table.

Around him, James, Peter and Lily waited for the explosion.

"I'm going to Remus's, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind…" Sirius roared, grabbing his cloak from the hanger on the wall.

Lily frowned, stepping forward, trying to put a hand on his shoulder. "No you will not. It's late! His parents might be asleep…."

"He ruined our night, I'll go ruin theirs see how they like it."

"It's not _their_ fault Remus isn't here!"

"He was supposed to be here, didn't you see her face earlier?" Sirius sucked in a breath and looked round at his three dearest friends. "How could he do that to her?"

James and Lily held hands and the joining of the two settled on Lily's stomach. Peter who looked like he was fretting over some internal thought suddenly piped up, his eyes forlorn.

"Well…when I saw him last he seemed pretty down…like…like he was guarding something. You know what he's like when he's facing a problem…." The trio watched Peter carefully before turning to look at each other. Peter continued with a strange look on his face.

"I mean, when he saw me that time…he said he had to move out of your house Sirius but…he seemed to be so low…"

Sirius's stomach sank, Remus had been lower recently, and since Marlene's death everything felt worse. Still holding his cloak he exhaled his anger and sat down on the sofa not turning to look at them. "That werewolf is going to be the death of me if I'm not careful…" Sirius said under his breath and James gave him a stern look before looking over to Peter.

"Remus really never mentioned _anything_?" James asked, "About why he left here?" he looked to both Sirius and Peter, but it was Peter who spoke.

"No, no he just…said he had to leave. That he wanted too. I don't remember anything else he said…" And then Peter looked to them all and covered his mouth. "Oh, oh…I just realised…I shouldn't have said."

Sirius's face fell. "Shouldn't have said _what_…?"

"I shouldn't have told you about all that, he said it would be our _secret_…"

The foursome shared nervous glances. Lily shook her head, "Why would he keep a secret so…vague like that? If he's upset or grieving or something is going on…he would have told you wouldn't he?"

Peter raised his shoulders in a semi-shrug. "I guess?"

Sirius found himself squeezing his hands again. "Unless it's something he doesn't want us to know about…because we wouldn't _approve_ of…"

Sirius never finished what he was saying, but the insinuation made Lily frown.

"Remus _isn't_…Remus couldn't - _wouldn't_ betray-"

"How do you know? He's not spoken to us properly for six months, and I can prove it because he's lived _right here_. We've not had a proper conversation. It's like he's a different person."

Lily blinked several times, but Sirius kept going. He was so angry he could feel the fire running through his skin.

"He's keeping secrets, he's breaking promises. He's being an ass. Why else would he do that?"

"_Because_…" Lily began, but she couldn't continue, her eyes wet, turning away and Sirius lifted his chin triumphantly. The marauder's face was a whirlwind of emotions from realisation to despair, to fury. He didn't want to believe this but it all felt like it had clicked in to place.

"Sirius stop it, you're upsetting her." Peter said worriedly, his own beady eyes wide.

"You have no proof that he's done anything but just avoid speaking to us about something…" James said carefully, he was giving Sirius a frown like had never given him before. They'd only ever had one fight ever and that was the time that they'd almost got Snape bitten by a werewolf…

"Well of course there's no proof Prongs if he's playing the other side—"

_"STOP IT!" _

The three men turned to Lily, who was holding herself as though wounded. Her eyes were watering. There was a pregnant pause, as the four of them looked to each other, when there was a noise near the front door; a small owl was tapping on the window pane with a letter attached to it's beak.

As they let in the owl in, it flew straight to Lily, the little piece of parchment sat in her fingers, which started to tremble as she read the words.

Her hand covered her mouth. If she had been upset before, she was upset now.

"Oh God…" Lily whispered.

"What?" James asked, he'd not been standing with her; he had been standing with Sirius and Peter who were leaning against the back of the sofa. "Who…?"

"It's from Lyall…" Lily said softly. "Hope…she…"

She couldn't say it so instead she passed the parchment for James to read, Sirius looking over his shoulder and Peter stood patiently beside them to hear the announcement.

The parchment read, in scratchy writing, loopy and slightly at an angle where it had been written very quickly and was smudged in places.

_Lily, _

_Sorry I've woken you tonight. I wanted you to know that Hope has passed away this evening. Thank you for all your help at this time of grieving and I will keep in touch. _

_Lyall_

* * *

AN: Excuse me whilst I cry like a baby in the corner somewhere...


	9. To Lie

AN: After our last chapter, we get to see just what happened for Remus to miss Dora's birthday party.. **WARNING FOR CHARACTER DEATH.** you can find out more on my personal experience with this here at my LJ

* * *

**Chapter 9 – To Lie**

_"Lupin was lowering his wand, gazing fixedly at Black. The Professor walked to Black's side, seized his hand, pulled him to his feet so that Crookshanks fell to the floor, and embraced Black like a brother."_  
_- Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban_

* * *

Peter had been right about what he'd said, At least Remus had been there to say goodbye.

The trio of Lupins had been linked together by hands, Lyall's hand on his wife's and Remus's hand on his fathers and his mothers, as their chairs were pulled into her bed. Her hand was so cold, like ice that caused an involuntary shiver to go up Remus's spine.

Over the course of the afternoon and then into the early evening his mother had gotten worse. Even though Dorcas had left Remus with a bombshell, which he had been still trying to tangle in his mind, Hope had started to get more and more lethargic as the hour grew later. She had been asking for help to the bedroom when suddenly she was struggling to breath or concentrate and the men's worst fears were finally being realised.

"Do you remember…when the boggart attacked you that day in Cardiff?" Lyall was saying, but Remus was sure that his mother had stopped being able to focus now on either of them, breathing heavily on the bed. Lyall was trying to keep her attention, trying to keep her with him. The hand he had placed on top of his mother's and father's on her bed was shaking like a leaf.

"Remember you were so scared and when I got rid of it you looked at me like I was a hero…"

Remus realised that his father had seemed to have forgotten he was there, his heart ached as he realised this, that this felt so private, a party he shouldn't be privy too. His father however didn't relinquish the hold on his son's hand. He held it tightly and Remus's body twinged with dread as he observed like a fly on the wall.

"My beautiful welsh lady…" Lyall said, "My beautiful wife…I loved you the moment I set my eyes on you in that forest…and look, Remus is with me, Remus is here Hope, just like you wanted…"

Remus heard his heartbeat in his ears and felt himself blink multiple times, but his eyes were still dry. "I'm here Mum…" he finally answered, finally able to speak and for a moment, a small moment he thought he could see his mother's eyes watching him, and then her eyes were scattered again and Lyall continued to speak.

"See, he's here. Like you wanted…our family, everyone that mattered…" Lyall's hand in Remus's squeezed so tightly it hurt but Remus didn't flinch, watching his father's tears fall ashamedly from his nose onto his robes. "We love you so much Hope, my beautiful…"

Hope couldn't even speak, was still constantly struggling with her breathing. There was nothing the Lupins could do but watch, as she struggled in those final moments her eyes still searching for contact.

Remus almost let go of his mother's hand but his father shook his head. "No, not yet. _Not yet_" He said determinedly, as though their magic, their love was keeping her alive. As though by saying this she would stay alive a little longer. "Keep holding on..."

People tell you that what you remember about a person isn't how they died, but how they lived. Remus tries to believe this as he watches his mother's face as the life in her dies. As he watches the way that her lungs grasp for her final intake of air and his father's continuing calm words. How he could replace this memory with a better one felt impossible, as it seemed seared onto his brain like a scar.

Her face is covered in her hair as it goes limp to one side. Remus squeezes his eyes tightly but no tears come as he listens to the sound that had been outweighed by his mother's breathing, his fathers; which were heavy and unrelenting, deep and shattered by his sudden weeping.

"Dad…" Remus said, but he knew he would get no answer. They are still holding hands when Remus finally is able to drag his father out of the room, finally pull him into a hug that seems to last for hours, until all the tears dry and the sound of weeping is common place. Remus knew his father was a mess and he had to pick up the pieces. This was the reason his mother wanted him to move back in. His father would need him more than the other way round. He could see that now.

"Dad…we should let her…friends know…send owls…" he says carefully. "We…need to owl St. Mungos…about...about mum."

Lyall shakes his head, the thought that his wife was dead in the next room seemed to be outweighed by having his dead wife taken away. "I _can't_…I…"

"I'll do it then…" Remus said softly, "But…but her friends, I know you can write to them…"

"I…not by _owl_ Remus, I…in person, I should see them in person…"

Remus shook his head, "No dad…it's ten o'clock, they'll be asleep. Send an owl…less intrusive…or wait until morning…"

So Remus sat with Lyall preparing parchments and ink at the writing desk in the spare room where Lyall usually did his paperwork. After a good twenty or so letters, by which point, Lyall was losing his energy Remus took over the rest, his writing neater than his father's who seemed to be in a self induced coma.

Remus's owl to Mungos was received pretty quickly and soon the hospital had come to collect Hope and register her death with a healer. Lyall watched but didn't speak, his vocal chords betraying him so Remus took the reigns, explaining what had happened and asked how they should proceed – considering their mother was a muggle but would be wanted to be buried in the Lupin plot. He put forward this persona of calm but he didn't know where it had come from. His mind was screaming and he was telling himself when to breath.

When the healers had finally certified the time of death, they took her away and left details for the funeral directors who would take the body from them and how they should proceed. Hope had left a load of papers and letters aside for Lyall to look through concerning these things, but there would be time yet to look through them.

"It's time for bed, Dad..." Remus said, carefully, trying to usher the non-vocal Lyall somewhere where he could rest his eyes, somewhere that wasn't where his wife had just died. He brought down blankets from the spare room and the pillow from his father's side of the bed and helped the man who seemed more lifeless than someone suffering from a dementors kiss.

"Thank you…" Lyall finally croaked, his face cracked and dry from all the crying. "Thank you son…such a good boy…"

Remus merely nodded, wrapping his father in blankets and sitting with him in the armchair beside the sofa watching him intently, as though planning to fight off the grief on duty.

"It's okay Dad, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Lyall cried himself to sleep, burying himself into his pillow and Remus sat his hands on his face, elbows on his knees, running hands through his hair as he tried to shake off the debris of the evening.

It was about half an hour after his father had fallen asleep that he heard a sound, a loud audible crack, and Remus jumped, his hand to his wand, looking out into the dark of the cottage, only to see Sirius standing outside looking in through the kitchen window.

Tentatively the werewolf walked to the door, opened it and stepped out into the front garden careful not to wake his father. Sirius was leaning against his mother's Volkswagen Camper Van, shuffling his feet.

As Remus stepped closer he realised why Sirius was there. He remembered.

"I forgot about Dora's birthday..." Remus said very carefully, he'd promised. He was prepared for any argument that Sirius would give him, he was going to be honest but Sirius wasn't arguing with him, Sirius was staring at him now as though he was looking at a ghost.

"Lily…was with us when she got your dad's letter."

_Oh. _

Remus felt his heart beating in his ears again. "I see…"

Sirius swallowed very hard. "Is…is your dad alright?"

Remus considered his answer, but then shook his head calmly. "No. No he isn't."

The other marauder shuffled his feet again, but he moved off the camper and started to move closer.

"And…uh…are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Remus said quickly.

"Liar." Sirius's eyes were fiery as he came forward to Remus with a now more purposeful stride. "No more lying. Tell me the truth. _Tell me._"

Remus's eyes started to blink, quite a few times as processed this. "Sirius—"

"Your mum has been ill, is that why you came home?"

"But—"

"How long has she been ill?"

"_Sirius_—" Remus pleaded, but Sirius continued to talk, he was so desperate for answers that Remus had just wished he'd said something before all this.

"Was this before or after the wedding? Or was it after you moved in with me? Is that why you were so out of it—?"

"This is _exactly_ why I didn't say anything…" Remus's eyes finally closed and Sirius finally stopped speaking to listen. The pair was standing close to each other now as Remus felt something stinging in his eyes. _Tears_. Tears he'd been holding back for months. Tears for his mother, tears for his father, tears for Marlene…

"_Of course_ I'm _lying_, Padfoot! My…" Remus hid his face with a sleeve, trying to stop his tears. "My…mum…is _gone_. How do you think I'm doing…?"

Sirius didn't say anything else and Remus was hiding behind his sleeve. He sniffed, trying to fight back that feeling of being a child, of feeling weak and defenceless, memories stirred of his mother sitting with him on his worse days, playing chess and drinking tea and telling him stories to keep him chipper. That woman was dead, dead and never coming back, a woman who only ever wanted his happiness…

Remus felt something warm around him, but he didn't look up, he could smell strongly the taste of butterbeer and fresh grass and cologne as Sirius just held him in a hug and rubbed his back. Remus's head buried into Sirius's chest as he just let the tears come.

"I'm so sorry…I didn't tell you…" Remus said, letting out all that emotion into Sirius's chest, he didn't realise his throat was raw until he tried to speak.

"S'alright. We're even now aren't we?" Sirius mumbled.

Remus finally pulled away as he nodded to his friend, wiping his face with his hand and hugging himself in the cold night. Sirius had tears on his shirt but he didn't seem to mind, still watching Remus carefully. "Is there…anything I can do?"

Remus shook his head. "I just need to take care of Dad now. Need to set up the funeral…that sort of thing"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, "And…Dumbledore, does he know?"

Remus nodded firmly. He had sent that letter himself, personally. "I've told him I wont be at some of the Order meetings until my dad is settled…but I'll be at home…if I'm wanted…he has my address."

Sirius licked his lips nervously, and then chewed his lip. "I…well…I had some news for you and I wanted to see you, two bits of news…actually…" he handed an object into Remus's hand, a little gift wrapped in multicolour packaging, it brought a tiny smile to the werewolf's face which in itself felt like an achievement. "Dora wanted you to have that…and James and Lily were with me…they have news about the baby."

Remus was glad for the distraction. Enough talk about _him_. He slipped Dora's present into his pocket for safe keeping.

"What about the baby?" Remus asked, looking worried and Sirius wore his typical marauding grin.

"Don't be such a pessimist. It's _good_ news. The Healer who took Lily's medical test got it wrong. Lily is due in July, not August, the baby is only a few months away."

"They told he she was a whole month out?"

"No, just a couple of weeks but it lies at the end of the month apparently…" Sirius smiled, "But can you believe that? Soon we'll be like his or her uncles…with a little tyke to spoil."

Remus said nothing; he continued to wipe his eyes as he eventually nodded. "You can do the spoiling, I'll do the counselling…they'll need it with you as an uncle."

They laughed and Sirius turned back into his worried self, shuffling.

"You okay…? Can I go and hope you won't explode?"

Remus nodded, "You did your best, now sod off and let me sleep…"

Sirius's last act of loyalty was to ruffle Remus's hair and tell him he needed a hair cut and he disappeared with a crack, whilst Remus walked back through the front door and stationed himself next to his father's sleeping form. He found a blanket and curled into the armchair, curled in a ball he found a comfortable position and pressed into the chair itself before starting to nibble on the now unwrapped chocolate he had been given as a gift.

His mother was gone, his father was still here and he had his friends. He could live with that. When the werewolf did finally go to sleep, despite all the tribulations of that night, he didn't sleep all too badly, even if there was still the issue of Fenrir Greyback to comfort, and his father's sanity, atleast he knew for now that his friends were there to help him pick up the pieces.

* * *

AN: Sirius has no idea that James and Lily's news isn't exactly something they should be happy about. Bloody prophecies...


	10. To Hope

_**AN: Notes on this Chapter:** Remus gets a surprise at his mothers funeral, James and Lily have a decision to make and Peter upsets the Dark Lord._

_Thank you everyone so much for all your support on this :D I've never written anything this long for fan-fiction before and I'm really proud of this chapter. Though I must say, Voldemort is darn hard to write!_

_Thank you so much for all the reviews and views. :) _

* * *

_"You returned to me, not out of loyalty, but out of fear of your old friends. You deserve this pain, Wormtail. You know that, don't you?"  
"Yes, Master," moaned Wormtail, "please, Master … please …"  
"Yet you helped return me to my body," said Voldemort coolly, watching Wormtail sob on the ground. "Worthless and traitorous as you are, you helped me … and Lord Voldemort rewards his helpers. …"  
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_

* * *

Chapter 10 – To Hope 

The day of Hope's funeral came much quicker than James had expected. Lily was still getting ready when he slipped on his funeral robes; she liked to handle things herself, to the best of her ability. Seven months pregnant and looking it, Lily to James seemed to glow. He held out her cloak for her so he could slip it over her shoulders.

"Are you ready?" he asked her gently and Lily nodded, her eyes smiled at him as she turned away from the full-length mirror.

"I look okay don't I?" Lily said turning back to the mirror. She was wearing mostly black, but with a green scarf to match her eyes. She was sure Hope would want a little colour at her going away party.

"You look great Lily," James said to her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. This was going to be a sad day for all of them. Hope had always been kind to the boys at Kings Cross. He remembered one year she had made them all sandwiches to Remus's semi embarrassment – having insisted that Sirius and James would certainly buy from the trolley. "I'm sure Hope would be happy you're there, and be less fussed as to what you're wearing."

Lily nodded softly, leaning into her husband before they made their way out to the car. After much heated debate Lily had forced him to get a driving licence once they had left school and it wasn't really all that safe for Lily to apparate, use a portkey or floo in her pregnant state, that and any excuse for James to drive.

The car was a scarlet red Ford Capri, and if Sirius loved his motorbike, James _loved_ his car. Not that it was like riding a broom, but it felt like it was similar, it was a love for the control of driving something big and powerful on a road. Not that he told Lily he loved speeding in the car when she wasn't in it.

"Have you spoken to Sirius? About how Remus is doing?"

James nodded, checking Lily was belted into her front seat before starting the engine and taking it out of first gear to leave the driveway, towards town, so they could head towards Yorkshire. It would be a long drive, but they'd left in plenty of time.

"Sirius has been there every day, helping with Lyall."

"He's feeling guilty." Lily murmured as she looked out through the windscreen "about what he said the night we found out."

James swallowed, not speaking straight away, straight into his driving gear as they finally met other cars in the road as they headed out towards the motorway.

"He was angry, Sirius is always doing things he doesn't mean when he's angry…"

"But what if he had acted upon that?" Lily said worriedly. "If we hadn't found out about Ho—"

"I know, I'm not saying it was good, Lils." James told her, "I just…we can't think about what ifs. Sirius knows he's made a mistake. Thinking Remus was against the Order is ridiculous…."

A pause, Lily puts her hand to her stomach running it over where their little baby was getting ready to say hello to the world. She smiled as she looked back to James. "Have you made a decision yet?"

"On who will be Godfather?"

Lily nodded, settling in for the ride in her seat and she could see the creases that seemed to line James's face.

"Sirius I think, I can't imagine Peter being a godfather and as much as I think Remus would be excellent…his furry problem makes it difficult…if it was an honorary title…no problem, but if anything was to happen to us, Remus wouldn't get custody…and…well-"

Lily swallowed, "All we'd have is Petunia...and Vernon in terms of legality."

James laughed a little bitterly. "Stupid muggle-" but then stopped himself. He swallowed very hard, looking to Lily. "Sorry…I just…really don't like that Dursley guy she married."

Lily forgave him quickly, had to learn to, even though she was still watching him sternly. "She's not _heartless_…but I don't think Harry being with her would be the best idea…"

James nodded very sternly. "If Sirius has custody, as Godfather, I'll sleep easy."

Lily laughed a little, looking a little concerned "I don't know if I will - our son or daughter would live on takeaways and a diet of bad muggle movies…"

"_But_ he'd have the others," James implored to her, "Remus wouldn't let Sirius take on that task alone, no one would in fact. Besides, Sirius has been good with his cousin."

Lily smiled gently, "He has…but a baby is different…"

"A baby _is_ different, but this is all hypothetical anyway, because _we'll_ be taking care of the baby, and they'll be surrounded by his unofficial uncles and aunts who will watch out for them…"

James and Lily became very quiet, both with the same thought on their minds, wondering if they could be so certain.

"So, is that okay then, if I choose Sirius?" James said, as he changed lanes, casually and continued driving. Lily couldn't help but admire his prowess on the road, but she figured that James was used to brooms that seemed much faster than cars and he was much calmer than she imagined Sirius would be on the road. How he had a motorbike and hadn't crashed it she didn't know.

"Yes, that's okay, but don't tell him until after the baby is born, please. It would be nice to tell him together."

James grinned, "Sure, I wont tell him anything," he said. He briefly took her hand, resting on her stomach, squeezed it, before putting his own hand it back on the wheel, and his mind back on the road and the day that was ahead of them. This was the day they said goodbye to Hope. This was the day that Remus would need them more than ever and James was sure that Hope would be more than happy to know that they would be there to support them on this very sad day.

* * *

"Dad, your tie's all skew-if." Remus said as he put his suit jacket round his shoulders and looked to watch his father standing in the door way.

Lyall hadn't even noticed, his eyes raw with tears. It had been two weeks and he was constantly fighting tears back, even after the smallest things. Everything reminded him of his wife. Everything.

"Oh, sorry…I..."

Remus tended to his father's mangled tie, undoing it and fiddling with the ends.

"Don't apologise Dad, it's alright…" Remus told him and Lyall changed weight under his foot. "It's just a tie."

"Right…" Lyall offered, licking his lips, he took a very hard breath. "We can do this…can't we?"

Remus looked to his father and gave him a large smile that didn't quite meet his eyes. "Yes, yes we can, everyone will be there for us…and we'll say goodbye…"

Lyall sniffed, he rubbed his eyes. "Yes…yes you're right. Time to say…goodbye…"

"Yes, I am…" Remus told him and was finished with the tie, looking perfect between his father's shirt, "For once…" He rubbed his father's shoulder. "Lets get going…"

They were taking a portkey to the funeral and on arrival Remus was surprised at the numbers. It was a small church but people were already outside, so many who had come from his father's old work and his mother's homeland in Wales to say goodbye to this beautiful woman. It took Remus's breath away and his father was suddenly thrust into people's attention, Lyall was able to put on a persona he hadn't before, smiling kindly, and telling his old friends from work, friend's of Hopes, his thank yous for turning up.

Remus didn't know many of them, Lyall and Hope had made many friends over the years they'd travelled across the country hiding Remus's condition. For a long time, Remus's friends in town thought he was the son of an army officer – always on the move.

The funeral still wouldn't start for a few minutes, and Remus found himself concerned as to where James and Lily were, they had said they'd be on time…

"Hey, Remus – over here!" came a voice, and Remus turned to see who called from behind him. If he had lost his breath before, he was had lost it all now.

James and Lily were standing there, along with Sirius and Peter, Benjy and Dorcas and Fabian and Gideon, Frank and Alice and Sturgis – even Edgar Bones, Dorcas's mentor.

"What…are you all—"

"We're here for _you_ of course." Sirius said carefully, he looked good in his robes, all black with a red tie. It appeared his friends had really thought it would be better to come with some colour than none at all.

"Your dad's got an army of people over there. Thought it was about time you had one of your own."

And then they flocked him, taking his hand, patting his shoulder, sharing smiles. Remus said nothing but swallow, very hard.

"Well, there might not be room…you'll have to stand." Remus said, his eyes watery.

"That's not a problem," Dorcas said, "besides, it's not supposed to be _comfortable_ this…is it?"

"No…no I suppose it isn't…" Remus told them, he was still so taken aback that he struggled to speak. He'd not seen most of these wonderful people in two weeks, he'd not mentioned to them about his mother's death and yet here they were.

"Lets get you inside then…" James said, "Before your father thinks you've done a runner."

"And Albus sends his apologies, he wanted to be here…but something's come up. He said he'd visit afterward…when it was convenient." Lily told him.

Remus just nodded, and Sirius put one arm around him, and Lily took his other free hand and the werewolf felt that their touch was an anchor to the world they were in, an anchor to feeling himself again and not the calm respectable boy that had been keeping his father in check.

Together, Remus's army of friends flocked to the church doors, sharing a small joke and comforting the werewolf so that as they entered Remus's heart started to finally not feel as heavy as before. He felt like that something had opened up inside him and light was pouring through.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the world gave back from all the hardship it put them all through and that was what Remus knew he lived for, he hoped for.

* * *

"You haven't been avoiding me, have you Wormtail?"

The shiver that went through Peter's spine was unconscious. His eyes flitting about as he tried to avoid Voldemort's gaze. He didn't want to do this anymore and he was going to say something.

"No-no…"

"_Liar…."_

His body curled as Voldemort's curse caused him to convulse. A surge of pain and then it stopped. Voldemort and Peter stood alone in this terrible place that he had been transported too.

He circled Peter's fallen frame. "What news of the traitors?" Voldemort asked

Peter continued to shudder, holding himself on the floor, his voice betraying him.

"They've had…major loses…recently," Peter murmured, "With the _McKinnons_ dead" His heart shuddered even saying her last name. "…and and…their headquarters lost…and they are still looking for Caradoc Dearborn…they suspect Fenrir Greyback is behind it."

A laugh. Peter shuddered. "The half-blood will not be found…"

"So…they're working their way back up…with new headquarters, more discrete but still in the London."

Peter had got up onto his knees before sitting cross-legged on the floor. He knew immediately that was a mistake. Voldemort lifted him with his wand to his feet.

"Stand, Wormtail." A vicious flash of his red eyes un-missed by Peter, which caused him to wince.

"Y-Yes, My Lord."

"Rumour has it that the Order are more concerned with their pups than in me."

Peter, his head low and un-looking at his master spoke. "A birth this month is expected…yes."

"Tell me more, Wormtail...don't lie to me"

Peter looked up, eyes wide. If he knew about the births already, why was he asking him? He shook his head, "B-But—"

"Wormtail, must I curse you again."

"But it's all public knowledge." Wormtail said, anxiously. "The Longbottoms have been hounded by reporters for the last three months…"

"Tell me your secrets, Wormtail."

Wormtail swallowed, "I am but—"

"ANSWER ME! WHO ELSE IS HAVING A CHILD?"

Peter screamed this time as the curse hit him, his knees buckled, which he swore caused his knee cap to crack as he cried out into the ground.

"LILY AND JAMES. LILY AND JAMES POTTER." he cried out between painful sobs. "PLEASE STOP. _PLEASE_!"

Satisfied apparently with his words, Voldemort stopped, as Peter swore as he struggled to get up from the floor. "One more question Wormtail…who is the new secret keeper?"

As Peter stood, rubbing his knees, which now meant he was going to hobble for a while he swallowed, confused. "Secret keeper?"

"For the New Order Headquarters."

"Oh, it's Dumbledore…" Peter said, carefully. "But you won't get to him—"

"AND WHY IS THAT?"

If Voldemort had been angry before, he was angrier now. What were left of his nose flared and his eyes wider than ever. Peter stepped back in fear, stammering.

"I…I mean…he's at Hogwarts…all the time….and err…they say…it's the safest place in Britain…"

It appeared Voldemort was satisfied with the answer, the Dark Lord turned on his heel away from Peter, lifting his arms in an nonplussed gesture.

"Leave me Wormtail, I will send for you again."

And Peter, his knees still bruising from hitting the floor, took his opportunity to apparate away.


	11. To Live

_**Notes on this Chapter:** Baby Harry meets the Marauders and Remus and Dorcas get a chance to share stories. Thank you again for the follows and reviews on this story. :) Means the world to me._

* * *

_"… Caradoc Dearborn, vanished six months after this, we never found his body … That's Dorcas Meadowes, Voldemort killed her personally …"_

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

* * *

**Chapter 11 – To Live**

There had been no time to change clothes, or to ditch the bike. The summer sun had left a chill but when the wind caught your legs like it did when you ride Sirius was always in some sort of chill when he was moving – much like being on a broom. He parked the bike up a little alley way before flocking towards a red-bricked, condemned department store called Purge and Dowse, Ltd. He didn't even check to see if Muggles were following him, because he only had two people on his mind - and their third on the way.

Sirius rushed passed the healers and potion masters as he rushed through the clean hallways to the reception to find his friends.

"I'm here to see Mrs Evan—I mean Mrs Potter…she's _having a baby_." Sirius said, even saying it out loud didn't sound real.

"_Had_ the baby, Mr Black" the healer corrected him, her quills writing all around her. "She gave birth at home but requested a check up here. She's just down the hall on the right."

Sirius thanked her, before darting in the direction she had addressed. He knew which way when he saw Peter and Remus, both of them looking just as dishevelled as he did.

"What time you call this?" Remus said, "Lily was in labour for two hours…"

"I was on patrol, I didn't get the message until it was too late…"

Remus sighed, "I was in a meeting with Dumbledore, I didn't get the message until it was too late either."

They both rounded on Peter, who smiled. "Well, I was on time," he said with his own version of the marauder smirk. "James was glad someone was there whilst Lily shouted as many curse words she could say in a breath."

"And everything is okay?"

Remus nodded, looking pale. "It appears so, we just have to wait for the verdict. They send out healers for pregnancies at home because…well, usually it's just easier, but they just wanted a second opinion on the boy."

"Boy?" Sirius asked, his eyes lighting up, "It's a boy?"

"And they've got a name too!" Peter said, beaming.

"His name is _Harry_," said a voice close to them causing all of them to look up.

James Potter was standing in front of them now, having opened the door with a bundle in his arms. All three men were drawn to it like a moth to the flame, as a newborn baby with dark hair and a grumbly expression curled closer into his father against his white blanket.

The boy gurgled, still getting used to the world around them.

"Harry Potter." Sirius said, with a little touch of awe in his voice, "What ever happened to _Elvendork_ and _Wilberforce_…" Sirius asked, but it was all in jest.

"Well, we wanted to keep his name simple, keep the constellations and roman myths for you…" James said, though speaking to his friends had not moved his eyes away from his son, rocking him gently. "Hello, Harry James Potter. These fine gents…are your _uncles_."

Sirius didn't know he could lose his breath so quickly. He'd been so excited for the baby but now it was there he was rather stunned.

"He's _so_ tiny…" Peter whispered, his eyes also round.

"Can…can I hold him?" Sirius said, suddenly, Remus's throat was clearly too constricted to speak, as he watched the three – no four of them with great interest.

James smiled, "Sure, but mind his head, that's it, you've got him" he told Sirius as Harry was settled into his arms as though passing over the most valuable of objects, which of course, he was.

Remus leaned over, the baby was still looking grumpy, his skin a reddy colour and his eyes still half closed as though fighting the light.

"That's what you look like first thing in the morning." He said to Sirius when James was out of earshot – distracted by Peter and Sirius chuckled.

"Do you want to hold him?" he asked and the werewolf shook his head.

"No…I probably shouldn't…" Remus muttered worriedly. He stuffed his hands into his pockets as if it was far too tempting. Sirius rolled his eyes and looked to Peter who'd finished talking to James, who was still grinning like the cat who'd got the cream.

"Do you want to hold him, Wormy?"

"M-me?" Peter said surprised, "No, no it's alright…I don't want to drop him or anything."

Sirius sighed under his breath. "Two Order members and you're both too frightened to hold a baby, what next?"

James laughed, Peter shook his head, but Remus sighed. "Alright, alright, I'll hold him…"

Sirius couldn't help but love the way he could make Remus do things he wouldn't consider doing – even it meant having to tease him into it. Carefully they exchanged arms and hands and the bundle of precious cargo and Remus was finally holding Harry.

"You're right Peter…he's…really _small_."

Remus, being the tallest and lankiest of the men as he always had been probably due to his lycanthropy invading his body early and being invested in helping his body grow through puberty meant he made Harry look even smaller in his long arms. He actually felt rather entranced by the little one.

"I'll take him back to his mother shall I?" James said with a smirk, "Or do you two need time alone?"

Remus flushed a little, "Sorry James, he's just _so_…."

"_Amazing_." Sirius finished for him, who had been – unannounced – staring at Harry from over Remus's shoulder.

James took Harry gently, and the three men followed him through the door to Lily. The last time Remus saw her was a week ago, she had come to visit Lyall with James and she had been sitting at their kitchen table looking uncomfortable – ready to give birth. Now she seemed to glow brighter than anything he'd ever seen. Okay, she was dishevelled, she was tired and she was really not in the mood for visitors, but it was like she'd been dosed with cheery charms, her persona screamed joy at them.

"Your son is beautiful, Lily" Remus told her as they sat at the end of the bed. Lily looked tired, she'd given birth at home so she wasn't in the state she would have been there, but she wasn't still back to her best yet. James passed her Harry and the three men watched the Potters dumbfounded, it was the first time that they really saw the Potters together, as a family. Not just James and Lily.

And for the first time, Sirius realised how little he had really seen of James since he'd gotten married.

"We have something to tell you…" Lily said, smiling, their baby gurgling in front her. "We've been giving this a lot of thought, and…well…James, go on you tell him."

James was beaming from ear to ear, his smile so tight and wide and electric that Remus thought if his mouth opened it would be like opening the anti Pandora's box and happiness would spread for miles.

"You are all…my best friends, and I didn't know who to pick. If I could, I'd pick all of you…but as I can't…Sirius, will you be Harry's godfather?"

Remus and Peter watched Sirius go white with surprise, then as the colour return to his cheeks the smile that blossomed with it.

"Your sure? You mean it?"

"If anything happens…to us. You have custody of Harry…" Lily said softly, "Of course, as I said…it was a tough decision but…" her eyes caught Remus's and she swallowed. "We needed to make sure that Harry would be—"

Remus just nodded tightly, he knew what the rules were currently about werewolves and children. He could never have custody of a child on his own – none of his kind had ever bred on record that he knew of so he didn't even know if he was even allowed: the whole thing was moot anyway, he didn't even date.

He also knew that James and Lily would have taken all of that into account, but his insides still squirmed a bit in jealousy.

Peter watched all of them before coughing. "And…err…we're still like…uncles right? Me and Remus?"

James laughed a little; Sirius was still in shock to speak all that much, watching the baby as if afraid it would disappear. "Of course you both are, you're my best friends – and I can hope that if Sirius can't handle a baby on his own, the three of you can together."

Remus smiled, Sirius still bewildered was staring at Lily and Harry before finally he seemed back to his normal self.

"Does that mean I get to give him a nickname? And…and buy him his first broom? Please? Oh and can I transform and he can play with Padfoot and—"

Sirius's ramble continued as everyone laughed and joked at his enthusiasm and despite the hot summer night, Remus couldn't help but feel that a sense of foreboding, everything was going too well right now, and he daren't feel completely happy in case the world was pulled from his feet.

***

"We need to stop running into each other like this, Mr Lupin."

Dorcas was leaning against the wall outside Gringotts in Diagon Alley when she saw Remus. He looked tired, she noted, but having been under a lot of pressure with his mother's death, his father's grief and the Order still needing his help he was stretched rather thin.

"You need to stop following me, Dorcas." Remus said gently, he was wearing a suit jacket and trousers, much like he always did, but these seemed less threadbare than his usual set, a beautiful green colour at that. She was sure Sirius would give him some ribbing for the Slytherin-eqse styling but she was just glad he was wearing a suit with no patches for once.

"New clothes?"

"New? No, just hand me downs, actually. Dad and I have been going through some things at the cottage…"

Dorcas didn't need him to continue, Sirius had been giving them updates on the goings on in the Lupin household so she knew all about them sorting through his mothers things. She smiled at him, giving him a real up and down look before commenting, "It looks nice, the green. It suits you."

Remus laughed a little nervously, nodding his head in thanks, "So what brings you to Diagon Alley? Not shopping I take it."

"No actually, I stopped into the ministry to collect paperwork for Ed."

Edgar, or Ed, Remus had to remind himself, was a highly trained hit wizard, and father of two and sister to Amelia Bones. A woman he didn't know sadly but he was sure if he recalled correctly went to school with his father though they weren't friends – just acquaintances.

"Any news on that _other_?" Remus asked, as he fell in step with her down the street.

"Not yet." Dorcas said to him casually, as if they were referring to missing paperwork. Caradoc Dearborn was still nowhere to be found but Dorcas hadn't lost hope. Remus couldn't help but wonder what the extent of their relationship had been, though he had to chastise himself on the thought. Just because they were man and woman did it mean they had feelings for each other in that way. He'd turn the world upside down for Lily didn't mean he wanted to sleep with her.

Though why his mind so easily fled to that assumption with Dorcas confused him.

She smiled at him, as if noticing this confusion, and pulled at his wrist. Tugging at his new jacket. "Come on, you've got no where to be, we could grab a pumpkin juice round the corner."

Remus flushed, "Oh, no…no I couldn't." He hadn't carried money on him for so long, he forgot to carry it. The only reason he had been in Gringotts was to get out money for Harry's welcoming present, which he had discovered he couldn't afford if he wanted too. He had been rather thankful that Dorcas had distracted him until then.

"I'll pay," she insisted.

"No, no it's…"

Dorcas gave him a sad sigh. "This is that whole thing from the wedding again isn't it?"

"I don't know what—" Remus stammered a little, and realised he was sounding like Peter so he coughed, hard and cleared his throat. "I don't know what my friends have told you but…as I told you before, I really don't…date."

"So we can't have a drink between friends?"

Remus wanted to stammer again, no wonder this woman was a hit wizard, her words attacked him and he had no shield charms for this sort of magic.

"Yes, I really would but—!"

"And if I told you I have a boyfriend? Would you feel better about having an innocent drink with me?"

Both of them became very quiet, Dorcas looking awkward all of a sudden, Remus couldn't hide his surprise as Dorcas ran a hand rather sheepishly through her hair. "Well…_have_ a boyfriend, if I find him."

The colour drained from the man's cheeks; so he _had_ guessed right about Caradoc. More embarrassed than ever, he took her hand, squeezing it. Poor Dorcas. Peter had lost Marlene – he knew he had. His father had watched his mother die in front of him, but the knowledge of not knowing if a loved one was alive or dead? That hope…well, he was sure that could kill you too.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know…" Remus told her, and Dorcas nibbled on her lip. This spunky young girl never let anything get to her.

"No one knew, and like I said, we've not found him yet, but we will." Dorcas told him determinedly, before tugging him down one of the side streets of Diagon Alley. "Now, lets have that drink then? I'm sure it won't hurt you."

He didn't have the strength to deny her as he was dragged down the street, unable to help the twinge of a smile on his lips. 

* * *

Dorcas Meadowes hadn't noticed until tonight just how Remus carried himself when he spoke. Though five years his senior she had never expected a man so young act so old. The drinks were innocent enough, as she had suggested, two pumpkin juices sat in front of them at the "Horntail Café" that situated itself just before the Leaky Cauldron and open only in the summer months of the year.

"You and Caradoc then, I'm afraid I was only a little bit surprised."

Dorcas sipped her pumpkin juice; eyeing the werewolf with interest from her side of the table. "We weren't hiding it from anyone if that's what you mean."

"No – I just…"

She laughed, loving to watch him stumble over his words. His face a picture of self inflicted annoyance and impatience.

"Do you always struggle to talk to women or am I only the only one?"

"You would be the first."

"Hopefully not your last," Dorcas's eyes shone. "You're a rather pleasant conversationalist when you're not stumbling. Tell me why you don't date."

"Only if you tell me about how you and Caradoc started dating."

Dorcas considered, before leaning over the table as though daring to tell Remus this secret.

"You ready for this – the story is pretty glorious." Dorcas said, and Remus caught the sarcasm because Sirius wore it like a mask, he smirked.

"You met at school didn't you?"

"Actually, no. He just asked me on a date and I said yes. We met in Leaky Cauldron before one of our Order meetings and seemed like a nice enough bloke."

Remus chuckled. "And he asked you then?"

"Yes, is that so hard to believe?"

He shook his head, "I guess not, it took James so many years to get Lily to go out with him, and Sirius doesn't date exactly…"

Dorcas smirked wider then, "Yes, I have a clear enough picture to guess what Sirius does."

Remus took a huge swig of his pumpkin juice. "I have to ask you this." He asked at last, his eyes seeming to soften. "How are you able to joke when…well…"

"Caradoc is alive…" Dorcas said defiantly, and suddenly Remus saw the hit wizard behind all that teasing, stern and sharp. He wouldn't want to cross her.

"But even Mad-Eye-"  
"Mad Eye's a twit."

Remus felt his mouth open as he held onto his pumpkin juice. "Dorcas—"

"No, I'm perfectly serious about this. I _know_ he's alive, what use is he to…to _Him_, if he isn't. Why snatch a man for his bed?"

Remus swallowed, "Sometimes, it's just because he can snatch a man from his bed, it's a display of power."

"Well that's pathetic." Dorcas said, but he could see the line of thought had crossed her mind as her eyes steel had looked back to her drink.

"I'm sorry…I shouldn't have asked…"

"No, you're right." Dorcas took a breath, "But you have to understand, I can't give up. You wouldn't give up if that were James or Sirius or Peter, so I can't either, not until I see his body. Until I know for sure."

Remus nodded quietly, finishing his juice as he began to bit his cheek, now the words had sunk in the image of his friends snatched from their lives and no idea if they were alive. His heart twinged.

"I'd tear the world apart," Remus stated with a new firmness in his voice.

Dorcas nodded, "Sadly, I have to pretend to do my job in the meantime, but the world is tearing piece by piece."

They fell into silence; their pumpkin juices finished and Remus went to stand.

"I should get back home," Remus told her, "I've got to make sure Dad hasn't set fire to the cottage..."

"Wait a second mister, you haven't owned up to your part of the bargain." Dorcas smirked, "I told you about Caradoc, your turn. Why don't you date?"

Remus still stood out of his seat tucking in his chair. "I thought you said at the wedding you already knew."

"I want to know why you _think_ you _shouldn't_ date, not what stops you from dating." Dorcas crossed her arms and waited and Remus hovered by his chair, his hands sliding into his suit jacket pocket, not meeting her gaze.

"I'm not really what you consider date material, I'm not Sirius or James, and _because_ of the reason no one should date me, and because I can't even buy a girl a pumpkin juice. That's why I shouldn't date."

The hit wizard started to laugh, in fact she started to laugh so much, Remus was starting to panic that he had worded his sentence wrong. She stood up, so she was ready to leave, still laughing.

"Remus, dear Remus, I have something to tell you that you don't want to hear."

"Yes?" Remus said, uneasily.

"You are rather more dateable than Sirius and James, and you are not an open book, you're mysterious...you're fun to be around…you're definitely a catch despite all that other stuff."

Remus's face was rather red by this point, his head tilted downwards. Dorcas moved over to him and laughed again.

"Remus, look at me, I'm not trying to embarrass you, you just need to remember that not every girl wants an unreliable rebel. Some girls just want a guy who works for what he has and treats them right."

Dorcas smirked, "I'm pretty sure you're that guy, if you'll let yourself be him."

She waved goodbye to him as she walked away, not even announcing she was leaving, Remus gave her a weak smile and a wave back as he considered her words until she disappeared in the distance.

Of all the things he knew about the world – of magic and of the muggle community, no matter who they were - women just wasn't one of them. 


	12. To Comfort

**AN: I'm getting so many reviews, at least - by my standards. Thank you so so much for these :D I'm very very happy with all the attention because I'm working to make this as good as I can. Thanks a bunch guys!**

Notes on this Chapter: We meet Sirius's Motorbike and he says the word "groovy" and Dorcas has an epiphany...

* * *

"… Haven't you ever wondered why the Dark Lord tried to kill you as a baby?" …Was this prophecy the reason Harry's parents had died, the reason he carried his lightning-bolt scar? Was the answer to all of this clutched in his hand?"

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

* * *

Chapter 12 – To Comfort

"I don't know if I can do this…"

Peter laughed from his seat on Sirius's sofa. "Yes you can. It's just a title Sirius, they're not asking you to be Minister of Magic."

Sirius's grey eyes shone a little from where he paced moving up and down the floor in front of his friend.

"I'd be a groovy Minister of Magic."

"Remus would still be better than you." Peter pointed out. The men laughed together, sad, as it was that could never be a possibility, not in the world they currently live in.

Sirius collapsed on the sofa swigging a bottle of butterbeer that he had been shaking around a little too casually and Peter was sure he would have spilled in his pacing.

"But it's just so weird…we're not old enough to be parents are we?"

"I'm not a parent." Peter pointed out with a stern look, "You probably are somewhere."

"Am not!" Sirius said with a pout, flicking his black hair out of his eyes as he stretched out his arms as though his sofa was a throne. "I hope…!"

Peter chuckled gently. "Though, I've never seen you love something as much as you love that bloody motorbike…"

The bike that Sirius rode and owned was a Kawasaki H2 750 Dragbike that he and James had bought from a man in the Ministry of Magic. The man who's wife was about to have her 8th child said he could make use with someone taking the project off his hands – for both financial and personal reasons. His wife would freak if she found out apparently.

Sirius had loved her on first sight.

The marauder ruffled Peter's hair. "That's only just 'cause you're jealous of her Peter."

Peter shook his head, "No, I am totally not jealous of your relationship with your motorbike."

"She's easier to please than a woman you know, and I know how to handle her in all the right ways, she's a beauty too."

"Sirius stop it!" Peter said laughing, but the innuendos kept coming.

"I push all her buttons just right," Sirius continued as he sipped his butterbeer, "keeping her oiled and clean and healthy and all that."

Peter stood, almost horrified but still laughing. "That's just gross!"

Sirius crossed his legs, his arms still spread like a king in his castle. "You are unlearned in the way of the world Wormy, and I will teach you how to please my bike, come on." He stood with gusto and crossed to the door, before suddenly Peter was catching a helmet flying towards him.

"What—?"

"It's about time she tried to take two men." Sirius said with a wink. "Come on Peter, don't be such a coward!"

And Sirius rushed out of the door and Peter's curiosity and annoyance at being called a coward meant he couldn't help but follow.

***

"YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!"

Like Sirius could hear him. The engine purred so loud that Sirius might as well have just blown a whistle in Peter's ears for hours and see how he reacted. Peter was holding onto his best friend tightly, his face tucked in between Sirius's shoulder blades as he heard not only the engine but a fierce sucking sound that was the window blowing past and the way the sound of cars also shuttled past them down the London roads.

He was sure the pair of them were going to die right there on the highway, speeding past cars as Peter held on for dear life. He was sure that this helmet wasn't going to protect him and he curled tighter into Sirius's back as his lungs felt like they were crushing from the pressure.

Sirius just made whooping noises over the engine.

"This is going to get even more exciting Peter."

"What—why?" Peter called horrified, "What did you say?"

Sirius didn't let Peter find out, instead he pressed two buttons on the bike, one disillusioned them against the traffic – anyone following them wouldn't believe their eyes because the rowdy pair on the bike was gone.

And then the second button sent the bike into the air. Peter's hold tightened. Sirius crowed with joy, as the bike soared into the air like a broom.

"Are you trying to kill me!" Peter spluttered over the roar of the bikes engine.  
"Don't be a wuss!" Sirius told him, as the bike soared through the sky, not to high but not too low in the later summer sun.

They arrived at the Potter household on the outskirts of London in less than fifteen minutes; Peter was trembling when the bike skidded to a halt outside James's car – The Ford Capri that shone on the driveway. As Sirius and Peter got up, Peter's knees wobbling and Sirius striding to the door James opened the door with a frown.

"Hey" James said, his face pale.  
"Hey to you too," Sirius said, surprised at the dull tone James gave him. He always called over uninvited. James couldn't be angry with him for that…

"Hi James…how's Harry?" Peter said, still feeling wobbly.

"He's fine…" James said distantly. "Come on, I'll grab you a beer."

Instead of going in, however, James closed the door behind him, and gestured over to the garage that his car blocked. "We'll talk in here."

Sirius and Peter followed. Peter looked to Sirius and shrugged his shoulders at him, and Sirius replied by copying him and running a hand through his hair.

"Is something up Prongs?" Sirius said, as James opened the garage door and rummaging in the cooler for three drinks and turning on the boom box to a low volume that must have been Lily's because it started playing Abba.

"I…" James, stumbled upon his words before looking back to the house on his left, now the garage was closed and they were able to talk in private he sighed heavily. "Albus was here just before you turned up…"

"And…?" Peter said, his eyes creased.

"There's…" James suddenly slammed down the butterbeer gritting his teeth.

"What?" Sirius said, impatiently. "Dammit Prongs, what did he say?"

James's teeth began to grind together before a fierce look mingled with fear looked to both of his friends.

"Harry. He wants Harry…"

Sirius had never seen James look so terrified, look so…fearful of anything. The lively cheeky boy he had always known had always been in his face, no matter what. James had sunk onto a stool.

"What does Dumbledore want with Harry…?" Sirius said carefully kneeling down, his butterbeer a thought of the past, so his face was below James's. Sirius's face started to drain in colour. James shook his head at him, his messy hair hiding his features.

"It's not Albus…it's him." Him. Voldermort. The name they daren't say to stop the wolf coming to the door. "He…"

There was a dry heaving sob, which Sirius couldn't and wouldn't comprehend. James was their leader, he never cried, he never got sad... As Peter stared stunned at his friend Sirius's hand grasped James's shoulder tightly as James finally spoke again as he became calm, his eyes looking up through his glasses.

"He wants to kill Harry, Padfoot. Our Harry…"

Sirius said nothing, how could he react to that? Harry's birth had been so wonderful and remarkable. How could something so precious be in the face of such evil? He was only a month old. Swallowing tightly, Sirius pulled James into a tight hug and James fell into the crevices like it was anchoring him to the ground.

"It's okay James…it's alright." Sirius said, Peter nodding as he also moved forward to see if he could offer comfort.

"How can you be so sure?" James uttered into Sirius's chest, and Sirius wished Remus was there, he'd know what to say…

"I can be sure that I'd do anything to protect Harry, as would you and Lily…" Sirius said softly, "He won't kill him…I promise. I swear…I won't let it."

Sirius smiled then, "Besides, that's what you wanted me to be right…Godfather. I'm Harry's official go to guy, I wont let him die because of that bastard, alright?"

James laughed weakly, his butterbeer forgotten on the side. Peter anxiously sipped his.

"Sirius is right, we'll…we'll be right here for you, Prongs…and the baby of course…" Peter told him and James even gave Peter a quick hug, heaviness hung in his stomach after that.

"Do you want to go in to the warm?" James finally said, "Lily's cooking. I'm sure you can stay for dinner?"

Peter and Sirius nodded with warm smiles, they linked their arms around James as they walked inside, and they were greeted with baby noises and a surprised Lily. Despite James's outburst things fell into place the way Sirius had hoped it would and become a normal evening again. Which it did, Lily had her hands full with Harry but it felt normal in any case. He noticed though, how James and Lily shared fearful glances, having had no time to recover from their news.

It was in moments like this that Sirius could finally understand why he was chosen to be Godfather. Sirius wouldn't, couldn't, give up on the Potters just like they never gave up on him, even when he was a pain in the ass. The marauder set about teasing the pair as he always did and with Peter in tow the little home buzzing with excitement.

And as this carried on Peter knew in his heart that this was his entire fault, and his stomach and mood started to sink lower and lower. Despite his façade of normality, he could hear Voldermort's dulcet tones ordering his obedience reverberating around his brain. How he had just answered him instead of disagreeing. Because, Peter knew that he was a coward, he wasn't like Sirius, he couldn't be that man. He had to be what he was…and he was a spy now. He was the enemy. He had to stay alive.

And just as Peter feared when he got home the call came in to attend to his lord's aid. It looked like tonight wouldn't be the end of his torture if Voldermort had any say in it.

* * *

Dorcas Meadowes had been a hit wizard for three years, Edgar Bones had taught her well. Every inch an auror but with the speciality in confronting the dark arts, she had seen horrible things in her timeserving. It had made her hard, made her feel that the world was a horrible place to live.

Caradoc wasn't meant to be anything but an easy relationship, some fun amongst the madness. He was mild mannered and sweet and impossible to refuse when he gave her his small green-eyed smile. With him gone, with the happiness she had found in shatters, Dorcas had barely slept. She had to find him.

Even if it were to bury him, he would have wanted that.

So she had started to track death eater movements – off duty from both work and the order. She had even started following order members she had suspected to be the spy…She'd got nowhere of course. Remus was not a spy she could see that from the way he spoke about his friends and they way he reacted to being bitten by Greyback was enough of a giveaway. Sirius wasn't, couldn't be due to the way he doted on the Order and Peter well, less said about Peter the better. He struggled with the simplest spells…

Tonight however, she had hit a brain wave. How death eaters were able to get through London undetected until it was too late? They could apparate – but not in public. Even death eaters couldn't risk being seen by Muggles without an elaborate exit – what Muggles thought to be raids, riots and bombings were usually a case of a death eater needing an exit or an entrance…

So Dorcas figured perhaps they could be using the underground to get in without detection.

The sewers were filthy, but upon entering near the center of London she could hear voices she continued on her search, carefully to not charm a lumos to light the way in case it caused her to be found out. She should have bought someone with her, anyone, Edgar would have been the best choice. He'd have been fantastic back up.

There had been no time. No time to call in the favour. Besides, he was having family time. Time he deserved.

So Dorcas held in her breath and wadded through, carefully.

The voices led out up out of a drain pipe after what felt like hours of walking and the voices got louder. Her wand rose high defensively, Dorcas stood very still as she realised that there was a meeting of some kind above her. So she stopped very still underneath them. Hoping that the sewage moving around her wouldn't give her away. She found herself leaving the sewers and going down several sets of steps. This went to a further degree than just the sewers now. The London Underground and all it's beautiful secrets could hold an army without anyone know. Dorcas didn't miss the irony that it was something so muggle could hold the army of purebloods? Did the Dark Lord know, or was just being clever, who else would look for them here?

She knew the sound of someone being tortured from a mile away, but it was the sound of the voice that made her stomach clench.

"Please…PLEASE!" The voice begged, "That's all I know. I don't know anything else…please don't kill me…"

Dorcas frowned, her eyes trying to peer through the grate above her where the light was pouring in. Someone was being tortured for information…her eyes stared up, worriedly, wondering what she should do. When noticed another grate, she moved towards it carefully as the voices became distant she moved up into a hidden the part of the Underground as quiet as she possibly could. This was a deserted tube station, probably never finished, late at night where no one would find them were two figures, one cowering on the floor whilst the other, tall and ominous towered over them. Dorcas stayed very still, she knew the cowering figure. She knew them and she had to put a hand to her mouth to stop herself but it still wasn't enough.

"Peter!"

And both faces turned and Dorcas. Peter Pettigrew, tears running down his face and Lord Voldemort, his eyes red and piercing. She had to make a decision, run or help the Order Member that the Dark Lord was torturing.

Like she really had a choice. She wouldn't lose another Order member on her watch.

She rushed forward as fast as her body would allow, gripping hold of Peter's shoulder she focused on where she wanted to go – where they'd be safe and both hit wizard and order member disapparated with a large cracking sound leaving the Dark Lord to do the same leaving the station as empty as it had always been.


	13. To Hunt

AN: Yay, new chapter :D Dorcas finds out the truth, and The marauders worry about Peter.

* * *

_"Personally, I'd have welcomed a dementor attack. A deadly struggle for my soul would have broken the monotony nicely. You think you've had it bad, at least you've been able to get out and about, stretch your legs, get into a few fights. … I've been stuck inside for a month."_

_- Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix _

* * *

**Chapter 13 – To Hunt **

"Peter! Get up!"

Dorcas shook Peter's fallen frame. They had tumbled together into a wall rather hard and her young companion's head was bent down hiding himself from her as though curled in a ball. They didn't have time to hang around…they had to get somewhere safe.

She realised she was perhaps being harsh, but she had no time to worry about Peter's feelings. She leant down, trying to be gentler. "Peter, he's going to follow, we need to go."

"How can he follow us, we apparated…!"

"He has his ways…" Dorcas said worriedly, looking about to see where she had apparated them. It was a non distinct alley way near what Dorcas considered not to be the quietest London Street – to passers-by they must have looked like a couple of drunks – not two magical people who'd just crashed into a wall so people would walk on.

She could see the fear in Peter's face and she smiled, trying to calm him, taking control of the situation she offered out a hand, "How are you feeling, we need to get somewhere safe, I'll call the Order…"

Her rabbit patronus fired out of her wand down the alleyway before disappearing out into the open air and Peter watched as it faded away before turning back to Dorcas. He just shook his head, watching her as realisation was starting to hit him.

"You should have just run…" Peter mumbled at last, playing with his fingers. "You…could have been safer that way."

Dorcas laughed, not really focused on Peter as she looked out into the London street trying to think of her next strategy. "Come on, it's me you're talking to, I couldn't leave you behind."

Peter bit his lip. "I…was _safer_…where I was…"

Dorcas saw something change in his face. She hadn't even put the two thoughts together earlier but now she did. _Why was Peter alone with Voldermort in the first place?_

She spoke in a quiet voice, more a tone of disappoint than a tone of surprise. "Oh Peter…you _haven't_…"

He swallowed hard, but he bit his lip as his wand raised towards her. "Don't…make me hex you," he told her, his voice shaking.

Dorcas also had her wand raised, glad that those who had been in their street had walked passed them and left them be. "Peter—!"

"He won't stop hunting you now, you know the truth…" Peter whispered, "I _have_ no choice…"

She knew what he was going to do before she got that chance to stop him, instead of firing his wand, instead of being brave and duelling her, he spoke his master's name: the name that was tabooed for a reason.

Speak his name, and he'll come to you.

_"Voldermort." _

Dorcas was already running before he'd finished saying the word. She pushed herself out of the alleyway and into the main London Street. Her legs swift as they stepped one in front of the other, running as fast as he body could allow through the mess of people. She wouldn't get anywhere and she knew that the Dark Lord wasn't just going to let her get away just because there were innocent people about.

"He's got a bomb! RUN! GO!" she shouted, hoping that was enough, anything was enough to get these muggles out of her way. Luckily, she did, it meant that people backed away from her at any case as she started to run a little faster.

Then the man who was in front of her didn't move out of her way and she stumbled, her body rolling to face behind her, her wand clattering out of her hand.

_No. No. No!_

The figure that had calmly been following her brought terror with him as the crowds started to run. They didn't know who he was – but bomb or no bomb they felt that unearthly fear to run. That might have also been due to the fact that suddenly little pockets of white dust started to appear out of nowhere. Smoke starting to litter the street in droves.

Dorcas didn't have time to react. She knew it was too late and she intended to stare her death in the eye. Green light was the last thing she saw before the hit wizard's body went limp to the ground. Her killer, let the moment sink in before casting his dark mark in the sky like he was signalling a flare gun.

The pockets of white dust weren't bombs – they were people – the Order. Mad Eye had gathered enough people at head quarters to arrive with him in the short time allowed, Fabian and Gideon, Edgar Bones and James Potter.

But they had arrived too late, the group watched the event in horror and could do nothing now the young woman was sprawled across the ground, the life gone from her eyes.

Edgar Bones was horrified, he went to rush over, but Mad Eye seized his arms, hard. Fabian and Gideon looking bashful as they looked over at the woman who they knew had been Edgar's protégé…

"Don't…Ed…you know what you see is true…"

"He killed her…_just_…just like _that_…" whispered James hoarsely, unable to tear his eyes away. Mad Eye growled as Edgar fought against him. Fabian and Gideon started to help – because Edgar was getting more and more desperate so James instead went forward.

Dorcas looked stern in death, her eyes blank but her face moulded into crevices of boldness. She died fighting, at least, he could only hope she did. James got down to his knee and carefully closed her eyes.

"We need to take her away…need to sort out this mess…"

Mad Eye nodded, now that he had settled Edgar, who had collapsed into tears and was being monitored by the famous auror, he told the twins to start speaking and oblivating as necessary to any witnesses they could find.

"And Potter." Mad Eye said, as James started to take Dorcas to Mungos. "Go back to Headquarters…Albus will need a report on what has transpired tonight…even if the ministry is under the hold of the madhouse…"

James nodded, his eyes soft as he set about taking Dorcas away, heaviness he couldn't describe in his chest.

* * *

James was barely through the front door when his wife attacked him, that was the only way to describe the way she harassed him, her body close to his.

"Where were you? You went out to get a report and you were gone three hours—I flooed Remus and Sirius but you weren't there, and Peter wasn't in!"

Suddenly Remus and Sirius's head poked around the corner, looking like they were glad they weren't in Prongs' shoes.

"Told you he was fine, didn't we?" Sirius said, nudging Remus who nodded faintly.

"We've been trying to tell her for the past hour…it appears your wife is as stubborn as you are. That or she's desperate for me to be a twenty four hour guest…considering I was only here a few hours ago…"

But James still hadn't spoken because he hadn't the patience or the energy to laugh – or be annoyed at his wife's reaction. He leant against the front door and everyone stopped to listen as James spoke, even Lily seeming to retreat her initial step to give him air.

"Dorcas Meadows…has been murdered by…the Dark Lord."

Lily's hand went to her mouth, Sirius gaped, and Remus's lips went tight as he held on to the wall.

"I was with Mad Eye grabbing a report when her…patronus…told us she was in trouble…but we arrived too late. He'd already killed her."

"When? Where?" Sirius said, Remus still unable to speak, looking white.

"About two hours ago..." James told them, "Not far from Leicester Square."

The four of them stared round at each other, when Remus blinked a couple more times, "We need to tell Edgar—" he began but James shook his head.

"Ed was with me, he's…he's not taken it well."

More silence. Remus looked down at his shoes. Lily moved to James to squeeze him in a hug until Harry, gurgling in the next room caused them all to remember there was a little boy in the house. Lily fled to see Harry, who had been laying content on the ground on his play mat staring at the ceiling, waving around his arms and legs in contented joy, unaware of his parents unhappiness.

They started to follow when Remus stopped.

"What about Peter?"

"What about him?" James asked.

"He wasn't with you?" Remus said.

"He was this evening, with Sirius, but he went home. Right?"

Sirius nodded, his eyes turning cold. "Yeah, I dropped him off at his mothers and everything…wobbling but intact"

Remus's face creased worriedly, "Peter's mum said she was at yours James, when I went over to see if he wanted to come here…after Lily's anxious floo…"

The men stared at each other and Remus's heart skipped a beat. Not Peter.

"I'll search town," Sirius said as he started to leave.

"I'll go back to his mothers…" Remus told them, the group working together like clockwork.

"I've got an idea where he'll be..." James muttered, "Check in by patronus when you hear news?"

The trio nodded. James looked to Lily sadly. He hated to leave her again but if Peter was in trouble, how could he just leave him behind?

He moved to his wife and child, kissed them both. "I'll be right back, don't wait up…"

But he knew Lily would, and also knew from that stern expression that he was going to get some sort of bullocking and telling off for leaving her behind again when they were supposed to be here for Harry – especially after Dumbledore's words this afternoon.

"I love you" James said and Lily couldn't hide the way she smiled at him. Annoyed at him or not – she had no reason to not love him for doing what was second nature – be a good friend.

"And I love you, come home to us safely." Lily said, though she really only wanted to go with them, and she couldn't with Harry.

With that the three men left the Potters house, the doors clicking shut.

* * *

Unfortunately this particular graveyard was growing too busy these days. It was a large cemetery, which to muggles looked like an old war memorial graveyard. All the stones were old and faded to them, but James only had to tap the grave he intended to visit and there would be the grave of a witch or wizard.

Peter was standing near the newer section of the yard, fresh grass and flowers pilled on some graves. James filtered carefully through the stones to join him. The young man that was his friend looked like he had been hit by a tone of bricks, pale and shaking. His face bowed as he stood at the Mckinnon family plot.

"Hi Wormy…"

Peter sniffed, if he appeared surprised he didn't show it, tears were running hot down his cheeks.

"Oh James…I'm so sorry…"

James blinked, his eyes flickering around trying to figure out what Peter could possibly be sorry for, stepping over to him quietly.

"Sorry for what Peter."

"I…I was with Dorcas…but he…he turned up…so I transformed into a rat…and now…now she's dead…."

James's stomach sank, moving even closer. "You were with her? What happened…"

"She….she saved my life…" Peter said, "The…The…He Who Must Not Be Named…he took me…tortured me…" he squeezed his eyes shut and he knew those tears were genuine, "If it wasn't for Dorcas…she got me away but…it wasn't enough…"

He turned to James, "I didn't want her to die…I told her to run. I told her…"

But Dorcas wasn't a runner; James knew that by remembering her outstanding duelling style and her friendly demeanour. He stepped to Peter so their shoulders were touching and James watched Marlene's picture dance on the gravestone and blowing kisses.

"I don't want anyone else to die…" Peter mumbled.

"We're in a war, Wormy…" James said worriedly. "There will be more deaths…there's nothing we can do about that."

"But…but I can't lose anyone else…" Peter whispered so so lightly that James almost misheard him.

"But you won't lose us…" James said with a smirk, disguising his own fear, "you wont Peter…"

Peter sniffed again, his eyes still fixed on Marlene's. "You mean it?"

"Yeah I do"

Peter leaned against James and they stood quietly watching Marlene's grave together, absorbing each other's company.

"We should get you home…tell the others."

Peter shook his head, his eyes wide. "Please…please don't tell the others!" he said, "Please don't…"

"But—"

"I don't want them to think me a coward…I…"

James sighed, "You're alive aren't you? That's what will matter to me and Sirius and Remus…that's all we want for our friends…being a coward has nothing to do with it, besides. It was brave to admit it to me in the first place…"

Peter sighed, "But-but…please…don't tell them that...I was there…can it be our secret?"

James took a moment to process the request before finally nodding; he wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Alright…but lets get you home, Wormy. It's cold tonight…"

Peter was ready to leave but not before tapping his wand onto Marlene's gravestone, so the grave returned to normal once more. With that Peter let James drag him away, turning together to the gate before disapparated with a loud crack.


	14. To Request

**A/N and Notes on this Chapter:**

Thank you again for the lovely reviews and comments I've been getting on this fanfic, sorry it's not as quick as usual - I've been going through old things because my parents are moving house and still had my old childhood books in the attic!

So, here's the next chapter, I hope you all enjoy!

The Potters consider moving, and Lyall and Dumbledore have something important to speak to Remus about...

* * *

_"I've been living among my fellows, my equals," said Lupin. "Werewolves," he added, at Harry's look of incomprehension. "Nearly all of them are on Voldemort's side. Dumbledore wanted a spy and here I was … ready-made."_

* * *

**Chapter 14 – To Request**

With Dorcas's death still fresh on the Order's mind, and the continued threat of a spy that they couldn't quite place, the world seemed tilted. Despite Harry's birth it was all so unbalanced and to Remus he was afraid of toppling off at any moment. James and Lily busied themselves with Harry whilst Sirius had also buried himself into duties as godfather and Peter's work at the Owl Emporium kept him far too busy also. Remus had his hands full with his father, who still eight months after his wife's death struggled to sleep in the same room.

Sometimes the world felt good again though. As Harry started to reach the six-month mark, Remus, Sirius and Peter made regular visits to the Potters – trying to keep their spirits high because they didn't dare leave the house for the most part. This part of London wasn't safe anymore and they were trying to think of a decent place to move too.

"Dumbledore's the person to ask," Sirius said, absently, as played with Harry who was pulling the marauder's hair as they sat together on the floor. Remus was enchanting little lights to dart around the baby's head. The little Potter kept trying to catch the lights, reaching up with podgy fingers but at least he had Sirius's hair to grasp when he couldn't catch the light.

"We're expecting him tomorrow…" Lily said. James was out in the kitchen making food, as they shared that duty whilst they were stuck indoors. She pushed hair out of her eyes, which had grown longer and heavier than normal.

"Have you heard from Frank and Alice?" Peter asked, "About their little one?"

James entered with plates of sandwiches, "Nope, though…due to what Dumbledore told us, little Neville is a target too so that's probably why you've seen very little of them..."

Peter subdued himself into his drink and Remus stopped charming the lights to Harry's dismay so James took over as he put down the sandwiches.

"You call this food?" Lily said with a bit of a smirk. "You said you were cooking…?"

"It's a snack isn't it?"  
"But you weren't cooking, were you? You put some ham and cheese between two pieces of bread" Lily said, picking up one of the sandwiches and chewing eagerly.

"But—wait, are you harassing me about sandwiches?" James asked confused and the rest of them chuckled, also taking sandwiches and Harry gurgled delighted to see the food. Being six months old he could just about hold his own head up now, and desperate to try solids but speech wasn't quite a possibility yet, he loved the attention that was lavished on him.

"Yes Harry, it's true your daddy can't cook." Sirius said giving the little one a grin, his voice getting slightly high as he talked directly to Harry "you will have to learn from mummy if you expect to not grow up on fast food…"

This caused Harry to try to clap, in a very round about sort of way, and Lily picked him up, letting him nibble on the smallest corner of bread. Remus couldn't help but laugh at just how infatuated they all were with Harry, especially how he felt about the baby. How proud he was to be a part of his life, even in the smallest way.

They all said their goodnights when Harry was getting sleepy. It was a good enough excuse to leave besides as they all had places to be, people to go home too and Order shifts to take. They engaged in kisses and hugs all round from the Potters, Harry and Lily doing the kissing.

Sirius hated leaving Harry so much that their little goodbye could rival any romance Remus had ever seen him have.

"Do you have a crush Padfoot?" Remus teased, as they stepped out of the house, ready to apparate.

"I was going to ask you the same thing." Sirius quipped. They couldn't deny how they felt about Harry, having a little one around made the world feel…brighter at any case.

"I'll catch you tomorrow night? At the Order meeting?"

"Sure, catch you later Moony."

The pair apparated to their respective homes but Remus had to smile; even though these months had been hard his life was getting back to some sort of normality, no more secrets, no more hiding. Just…getting on with things.

* * *

Remus turned up at the Lupin Cottage, and opened the stable door. His father was curled up in the corner chair, his chair – reading. Remus had to smile as he noticed which book. Lyall used to read _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ because Newt Scamander was his father's hero. This particular copy they owned didn't have the last couple of pages, because in his anger one day Lyall had ripped them out. This happened because a rather sad nine-year-old Remus had mentioned during reading that a werewolf was a beast – like the book said and that he didn't deserve to go to school. Lyall had rebutted but telling Remus that he didn't believe he was a monster and didn't believe that the book was correct.

It was the only time he and his father had been happy about defacing a book and one of Remus's best memories as a child.

"You're up late" Remus said as he hung up his jacket, his father's nose was still in a book as he replied.

"How's the baby?"

"Good. He's getting so big Dad, you should go see him."

Lyall put a marker in his book before putting it down and removing his reading glasses, standing and stretching from his chair. "Maybe..." He answered; which the young werewolf took as a no.

Remus had been fighting to get his father out of the house, because he hadn't seen the funeral and it was time Lyall saw sunlight.

"Remus, can you come sit down for me? I want to talk about something."

Remus had been tapping his wand to put on the kettle and get tea ready when he saw his father's very serious face watching him from the middle of the room.

"Sure…" Remus said, carefully.

Remus sat down awkwardly in a chair and his father sat opposite him in his. He could see the way his father played with shirt cuffs just like he did when he was nervous and Remus's throat tightened. What was this about?

"Remus, I'm going to sell the cottage."

"What?"

Lyall looked to his son with a deep gaze that seemed to swallow Remus whole. "I've given this…some thought and…I don't think I should live here anymore. I know I had intended to live out my retirement here…but I'm not old…and…I want to go back to work…"

Remus let his father talk, knowing that that much had been true. His father had taken his retirement rather early – but that had been because he'd wanted to spend some retirement years with his muggle wife whom had also retired from work. They hadn't known that it would only last three years.

"So…I'm going to sell the cottage and move away. Somewhere safe."

"Where?" Remus asked.

"Well, I was thinking going abroad…we considered it originally but…didn't want to leave you here by yourself…still don't…"

Remus chewed on his lip, tasting his blood, salty in his mouth. "I see," he finally replied.

Lyall reached over and squeezed Remus's hands – that had been sitting on his knees.

"Remus, I'm not asking you to come with me because I know you need to be here. I'm not asking you to come take care of me. I'm telling you this because the money I save from moving, I'm going to use to buy you a house."

"Dad—"

"I wont need a big cottage abroad, just…a roof over my head. I want to go back to work, get my mind clear…and I will be much happier knowing that if I buy a place for you, you'll have somewhere to go. Somewhere safe. Hope would never forgive me if I left you here with nothing…"

Remus swallowed tightly, "Dad…but…I can't—"

"You wont pay me back for it either, Remus. This is my gift to you, I want to do this one thing for you, because I can't do anything else…"

His parents had had little money, they had believed in personal success over financial success – always, but when you can't even get work at all that makes that philosophy hard and harder to cope with. The Lupins had always lived a simple way but Remus had drained their expenses by forcing them to move so often and the poor werewolf had always thought they had secretly detested that.

"Dad…I don't know what to say…"

"It wont be much Remus, it might be just a small place out somewhere, you'll have to maintain it…but it's something. Something is better than nothing."

Remus wasn't sure if he'd just prefer the money then realised that was foolish, having something tangible like money meant he could lose it. He couldn't lose that money if it was tied up in property – paid for and his.

"Wait, Dad, I can't legally own the property," Remus implored him.

"I know, it'll be in my name…that's fine with me."

Remus nodded sheepishly, more reason to hate being a werewolf. The list of negatives just became longer and longer: no dating, no property, no money…

_No chance._

"Thank you…" Remus said softly, "thank you Dad…" His father squeezed his hands, before standing up, his wand with a flourish causing the tea to go about making itself.

"Dad, what about you, will you be okay on your own…?"

Lyall nodded gently, his face half hidden in the shadow of the room. "I was a bachelor once, I can try again...I'd only be a floo away. I'll probably stay in the country, just somewhere less a target for…well, them lot."

Remus nodded, "I thought Yorkshire was always pretty safe, no one bothers you here."

"Then maybe I'll stay close by, just…not too close. I want to go to a place where it's fresh…where I can begin my life as a widower properly…"

Remus winced at the term, but of course, his father was right. His mother had wanted him to get on with his life, wanted him to do everything he wanted with the rest of his old wizarding years…he knew that's what he wanted for his father too. He wanted him to have peace.

"Sounds good Dad…" Remus said softly, picking up his tea that was now made.

"Good." Lyall sipped his own mug, looking thoughtful. "Then I'll put the cottage on the market tomorrow, see what kind of interest the place gets."

"If it's not sold by the end of the month, I'll be surprised." Remus said softly, his parents had put a lot of work into this cottage in the 4 years they'd owned it. The garden was stunning, and covered in lupins – the basement could even be turned into a third bedroom when not being a werewolves hideaway. It was ideal for some country wizards who wanted some fresher air than the city.

And plenty of wizards were doing everything in their power to keep out of London. So Remus was almost tempted to bet that if the house weren't sold sooner than later – he'd eat the sorting hat.

Lyall just smiled and said goodnight to his son as he departed to bed. Remus's insides still heavy. He didn't want to leave the cottage; he'd experienced some good memories here, even though there were a lot of bad ones. His hand unconsciously held onto his mother's favourite chair.

At least, there was one good thing; his dad was getting back to his normal self again, even if the wounds would never heal…

The idea of having his own home both elated him and worried him. He'd never owned a home; he'd rented a property, twice and both times kicked out. Would he be able to take care of a home? Realising what he was doing he started to laugh to himself, as he settled into bed, to sleep.

A house is not like having a baby he considered, still smiling to himself, I'm sure I can cope with a few walls and a roof whilst my best friends bring a human up and into the world. That's much tougher.

For the first time in weeks, Remus's head hit the pillow and he felt relieved. Perhaps tonight – perhaps for a little while he'd sleep a little deeper and sleep a little easier than he usually did.

* * *

The table at the Order of the Phoenix meetings seemed to get more and more empty by the week. Though it was a new building, a new room, a new setting, a large table was always part of that and yet today, so few sat with Dumbledore to discuss updates on what was going on out in the world. Remus counted the empty seats, Dorcas's, Caradoc's and Marlene's and for reasons of being targeted James and Lily, Frank and Alice also were unable to attend.

Peter and Sirius were there though, sitting right next to him, as though he was the filling between two pieces of bread. Sirius stood boldly to express his points of view, whilst Peter sunk into his chair. Remus stayed rigidly still between them.

Edgar finally stood to tell his report, his eyes darting around the room a little more anxiously of late. Dorcas's death had hit him particularly hard and the Order had done their best to keep her off topic until he was ready.

But he was the one who brought up his dead student today.

"Dorcas," he said calmly, "mentioned before her death that she was going to look in the London Underground as a point of attack from the death eaters…"

"But it's only used by muggles…" said Sturgis, frowning. "I mean to say it's unlikely he would think it useful…"

Dumbledore, who'd been sitting at the end of room, digested the idea with interest. "I wouldn't rule out the possibility. Lord Voldermort is an intelligent man, and will be aware that he will be expected to be in certain places and locations."

Sirius frowned leaning forwards in his seat, "But wouldn't someone have noticed a load of death eaters hiding in the Underground?"

"Not if they were using deserted stations," Edgar mentioned, "There are several stations that were never opened, never fit for public use or never fixed after the war…"

"At any rate, we should be very careful if you plan to check any underground stations…" Dumbledore told them all, "and only do so if necessary. After Dorcas, I don't think it's safe for anyone to be anywhere on their own…"

The Order nodded, Edgar swallowed and the headmaster patted Edgar's shoulder and squeezed it.

Dumbledore assigned patrol duty, asked all those at the table to be careful, to be alert.

"The ministry has fallen now, the new taboo on the Dark Lord's name will effect you if you are in the open." His eyes flickered towards Sirius, as if he could read the marauder like a book. "No risky duels, we have must be vigilant and protect those who require our help."

Everyone nodded solemnly, before the group stood, to leave and go about their way.

"Remus, can I borrow you?"

The werewolf pointed to himself, but of course, he was the only Remus in the room so he nodded and walked towards the headmaster, to Sirius and Peter's surprise and followed him into the next room. It was small, but it was a beautiful study that must have at some point belonged to some sort of professor or student of Wizard Lore. Remus admired the volumes before recalling that he was actually there for a reason.

Dumbledore had leant gently against the desk behind him. Remus stood, awkwardly in front of him, feeling like he was being told off – even though he knew that wasn't possible.

"How's your father doing, I was reading the Daily Prophet and I noticed his cottage has gone onto the wizarding market..."

Remus swallowed, nodding, "He's well, as well as he can be I guess?"

Remus felt tenser whilst Dumbledore moved his way around the table to sit down. "Remind me again, how old are you Remus?"

Remus blinked, this question always put him on the back foot. His age wasn't really that important to him. "I'm twenty," he said having to think about it for a bit too long because he'd been put on the spot, "twenty one in March next year."

Dumbledore smiled, "Twenty years old and you still treat me like your teacher?" his eyes twinkled and Remus flushed red as he tried to relax, and Dumbledore conjured him a chair so they were eye to eye over the desk. Dumbledore waved his hand as Remus seemed to try and apologise.

"I'm afraid I am far to used to my old students looking at me the way you did just then – like a deer in the headlights. I actually just find it amusing. Though every so often I see the little boy who wanted to play Gobstones, it's a shame you never pursued that hobby further…you were a rather talented player, though I assume Sirius and James convinced you it was a childish when you started school."

No matter how old Remus was, Dumbledore would always be his headmaster - even if his first memory of him was this old wizard who wanted to with him and how his eyes had twinkled when he had announced he wanted Remus to go to Hogwarts that September. It was one of the first memories Remus had used to cast a Patronus.

Remus gave a smile a little easier then, relaxing in Dumbledore's company but then the Headmaster's face turned grim, his eyes looking down at some parchment below him as he spoke.

"I had a conversation with Dorcas Meadowes, not long before she was killed…regarding the fact she may have let slip information to you she shouldn't have done."

The young werewolf gave a nod, holding hands in his lap. "Yes she did…she told me…that Fenrir Greyback was the one who turned me into a werewolf."

Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, she was very sorry about that, but I'm glad that piece of information is out of the way because I have a request of your services..."

Remus watched as Dumbledore looked him square in the eye, and he knew what was coming. He squeezed his hands into balls as he tried to keep his eyes focused on his old teacher.

"You're going to send me to them aren't you? The werewolves?"

Dumbledore's eyes softened and he lent back in his chair, observing him carefully. "Your rather too perceptive for a wizard of your age…"

"I'd rather be too perceptive than ignorant…"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, "I thought the muggle term in that stance was 'ignorance is bliss'? "The Headmaster's eyes twinkled and Remus wasn't sure if he was being teased again or not but Dumbledore continued to talk about the mission in hand.

"I'm afraid you are rather correct in your observation, werewolves are starting to join together out of fear and Greyback is recruiting up in the North of the country, trying to find followers to join the Dark Lord…I need to know what he's offering the packs, or individuals…"

Remus laughed a little, "I can tell you that without going, he'll offer what every werewolf wants. To be treated with respect."

A nod and the old man straightened his glasses. "Remus, I can't trust this task on anyone else and I want to try and keep your kin out of this war if I can. Will you help me?"

It took a moment as Remus processed all this information, he'd be protecting overs, he'd learn more about his kind, he'd be getting information for Albus that could lead to stopping the war, and he'd become a spy. An Order spy…

It didn't take long for Remus to make his decision; he gave his old teacher a resounding nod and Dumbledore smiled warmly. Remus was sure in that moment that Dumbledore had known what his answer would be, but it didn't stop Remus from feeling comfortable, in fact for the first time in months he felt he was going to be put to good use for the Order.

After all, who better to spy on werewolves but a _werewolf_?


	15. To Survive

**AN: Sirius gets heroic, Dora wants to be a knight, Remus meets his new house.**

**Sorry for the slowness of this one - life got in the way a little. :D Hope you enjoy and thank you again for all the lovely comments and alerts, they make my day!**

* * *

_"Look …" Hagrid leaned toward him across the table, "I knew Sirius longer 'n you did. … He died in battle, an' tha's the way he'd've wanted ter go —"_

_"He didn't want to go at all!" said Harry angrily._

_Hagrid bowed his great shaggy head._

_"Nah, I don' reckon he did," he said quietly. "But still, Harry … he was never one ter sit around at home an' let other people do the fightin'. He couldn' have lived with himself if he hadn' gone ter help —"_

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

**Chapter 15 – To Survive **

Harry had finally gone to bed and James and Lily were curled up together on the sofa, they should be making efforts to pack, their new home in Godrics Hollow wasn't ready for them yet but Dumbledore had a team of people getting wards and necessary precautions ready for them for when they moved.

Despite this, despite all the things they could be doing, they'd been unable to focus. The muggle news hadn't reported a problem, but the wireless network had suggested a major attack in the middle of London…

An attack, James had realised could be a decoy to get them away from Harry.

The attention on the Order had been increasingly thick since their son was born. They had both decided that both of them should remain with Harry, because if they had an attack it was better to have the two of them against the death eaters…

But still, staying behind, waiting for news from friends, wasn't James's idea of playing safe. They were a pair of lions in a cage, watching the rest of their lion pack get mauled to death by wolves. That wasn't a way to live, but it was a way to survive.

_"The fire spread into an abandoned warehouse near the Thames is been confirmed to be the work of He Who Must Not Be Named as witnesses to the horror saw the dark mark floating above it. Muggles are claiming it to some sort of gas explosion but so far no wizarding or muggle deaths have been reported. More on this news as this story continues…"  
_  
Lily had to turn off the radio, flourishing her wand and standing, her eyes green and electric with the tension.

"I'm going to headquarters—"

James shook his head. "Lily, I want to go too but—"

"But nothing!" Lily said, panic rising as she turned to look through the window. "I can't just…sit here…what if you hear _their_ names on the radio?"

James's eyes widened, having crushed that thought so many times it had come back, sparking to life.

"That won't happen, they're far too good at taking care of themselves…"

Lily turned back to look at him with hard eyes. "You can't be sure James…if tonight we waited only to hear Sirius or Remus's or Peter's name announced to be dead on the radio you'd never forgive yourself…and neither could I."

James's teeth grinded together as he finally stood as he spoke, "but we _have_ to be here, what should we do instead then? Take it in turns and hope I don't hear yours _and_ Sirius's name on the radio? I don't know how I would cope with that Lils…just Harry and I…without you."

Lily's anger faded, James looked white, as his overactive mind got the better of him, and she rushed to him holding him tightly. Of course they had to stay. Of course they did.

It was just so _hard_.

"I don't want to lose anyone," she said into his chest. "I just can't bare knowing I can't prevent it…"

"We can keep Harry safe…" he told her, "We can keep Harry safe together. That I know."

They buried themselves closer together and inhaled each other's scent before James turned the radio back on. Despite the want to live in ignorance he couldn't.

He needed to know if his friends were alive.

* * *

"So, this is the place…?"

Remus and Lyall stood together in what looked to be a very old broken down home.

"I'm sorry it's so run down Remus—" his father said, but Remus shook his head, smiling.

"No Dad, it's a challenge…I like it."

The werewolf was heavily reminded of the shrieking shack, not sure whether this was a good or a bad thought. The house was a one bed detached house, settled also in Yorkshire but on the other side of the county. It needed a lot of work for it to be inhabitable, money that Lyall was willing to give over to help with getting it liveable. It had a green front door – which he was sure Sirius would demand he change, and peeling paint and carpet tiles that were all over the place.

But it would be his, and for now that would do.

Remus walked calmly to the window, staring out at the miles and miles of green fields, no one would come here for miles. If he had to transform he was going to be total safe from prying eyes. He could probably live here for quite a few years if he was careful about it.

"You've not said anymore about that mission Dumbledore's sent you on…" Lyall said, removing a white blanket off a horrible polyester chair that sat near the fireplace.

"I can't say, top secret…but I'll be up near Scotland for a while, so I'm afraid the house will have to be put on hold."

His father went to speak, looking slightly on edge and the werewolf had feared a fight. Not that they had argued in such a long time, but he didn't know if he could handle it the eve before he was going to be living with werewolves…

Fortunately, or unfortunately, the patronus that appeared to give him a message, removed all of that thought.

It was a dog, a West Highland Terrier, Sturgis's patronus.

"Sirius is in Mungos, he's fine. Saved a load of muggles from a fire and got himself knocked out. Thought you'd want to know."

Remus sighed as the dog disappeared and his father watched his reaction concerned.

"A fire?"

Remus nodded and he patted his father's shoulder. "I'd better get over there…"

Lyall nodded back, looking slightly pale. Remus could see what was written in his face, the day he would get the call saying his son was in Mungos. Saying that his son was…

"Dad, you don't have to worry about me…" Remus began and Lyall clearly seemed to straighten himself to not be so upset, playing with his robe collar.

"I was just thinking, how will your friends cope if you're going underground?"

Remus laughed then and gave a heavy sigh, his eyes twinkling with mischief though it was a genuine thought.

"Unfortunately, I've been thinking the same thing, Dad and I have no idea."

* * *

When Sirius woke up he could feel his head spinning, his eyes sore and his mouth parched. He leant over to his bedside table to drink the water that was there only to realise he wasn't in his own bed.

"What happened?" Sirius asked his voice hoarse, as he noticed Remus sitting at his bedside, looking pale.

The werewolf looked up, looking quite red eyed and tired and he stood moving over.

"You don't remember?" he asked worriedly.

"No…" Sirius began, but then it all hit him like a tone of bricks: how there had been a huge fire at the docks. How Sturgis had tried telling him they should get back up. How Sirius had found a muggle office worker stuck in the corner of the flaming building…

Well, his body was intact and he wasn't burnt, so he must have made it out okay.

"Actually…it's a bit clearer now…" Sirius groaned, going to sit up and Remus gently helped prop him up with a pillow. "What no flowers for the sick and injured?"

Remus's face seemed more colourful for a brief second, but then the pale face and the creases that for the first time in a while Sirius couldn't read came flooding back.

"You have a visitor instead." He told him, smiling a little. "I'll tell them you're up in a moment…are you sure you're alright, you don't…need anything else?"

"No, think I'm okay. Feel like I've been smoking for hours though…how did I get here…?"

"Sturgis Podmore. Called for back-up – which you should have done…"

"I needed to save those muggles…" Sirius told Remus, "I couldn't wait for people to turn up."

"But—"  
"Would you have waited? If you had heard screams outside a burning building?"

Remus chewed on his tongue as he debated his answer, watching Sirius searchingly.

"No, but I wouldn't have jumped over fire and I wouldn't have knocked my head and collapsed on the ground inside the building either so someone had to rescue you."

"But then Sturgis wouldn't have made you his damsel in distress…"

Remus laughed this time, patting his shoulder. "I told James and Lily, they wanted to come but…"

Sirius nodded, they had to protect Harry. They had to stay at home. "I'll go see them later…"

Remus smiled, ruffled Sirius's hair a little before moving out to let in his other visitors promising to be back later. All of a sudden a little Nymphadora Tonks and her rather worried looking mother darted towards him.

"Wotcher Sirius!" she said pouncing him, and despite his aches, he embraced that hug.

"Hey Dora, are you getting taller or is that just me?"

Andromeda Tonks sat down in Remus's now abandoned seat, looking rather white as Dora and her very pink hair smothered her cousin.

"Mum says you were playing Hero again…" Dora said as she sat up, letting Sirius breath.

Sirius caught Andromeda's fearful gaze knowing that if her daughter wasn't here he'd have received a lecture similar to Remus's. He nodded, "I'm afraid so…"

Dora seemed troubled by this, her head rested on his chest. Andromeda watched them before sighing.

"I'm just going to grab a juice, Sirius do you want anything?"

"No, thank you 'Dromeda…I'm just fine…" Sirius said, and once her mother was gone, Dora looked up to Sirius with worried eyes.

"You can't go playing Hero again…" She told him, "Mummy said you were in a _fire_! You could have got hurt…"

"But I had to Dora," Sirius said softly, "I had to protect people…it's a good thing to do…"

Dora chewed on her lip and cross her arms. "But you're not an Auror. That's what Auror's do!"

Sirius sighed, "I know, but that's what I want to be, like a knight in shining armour." He said with a smirk to her, "and you can be my damsel in distress!"

Dora's face went red with annoyance, her hair going red. "I am NOT a damsel in distress!" she poked his chest. "I'm a knight. I want to be a knight too."

The marauder chuckled; titling his head, no matter what state Sirius was in he knew he would never stop being Dora's crazy cousin. It was a comfort in his ever-changing world that she looked up to him despite everything that was going on.

"Then what's stopping you? From becoming a knight like me?"

Dora seemed surprised, so used to being told no that she actually was able to pause, to think before she spoke, her hair fading away from red to her natural colour.

"Mum and Dad…they think the Aurors are stupid…they fight for no reason…"

"Not all of them…" Sirius said gently, surprised at his cousin's approach – though it may well be just what Dora had learnt from conversations she had overheard.

"No but…most of them." Dora seemed perplexed now, she was eight now, and soon she'd be nine; soon she'd be old enough to go to Hogwarts and find her own path. Until then her parents seemed rather adamant for her to follow her dreams – as long as they didn't get her killed in the process.

"You just do what you want to do Dora, the rest will fall into place…"

Dora beamed and nodded to him smiling and Sirius knew he had set just the right thing because her hair changed colour again.

"You know, you're going to have to learn to stop doing that so regularly…you'll give someone a seizure."

"What's a seizure?"

"Never mind…"

When Andromeda returned, her daughter was still perched at Sirius's side, showing him her chocolate frog cards and all the famous witches and wizards she had collected. She didn't feel like disturbing their conversations so she watched them amused, smiling into her juice even if it wasn't as full a smile as she could give. Sirius was her favourite cousin and Sirius was wonderful with Dora, but as she watched the pair discuss how "awesome" Dumbledore was as she had four of his cards she had an inner shiver.

Perhaps, it wasn't the best idea to allow her adventurous cousin to spend so much time with her daughter. She didn't want her heart to break if something were to happen to him, and the rate this was going it was definitely more than likely.

Once Dora and Andromeda left, Remus returned. Sirius noticed that Remus was looking incredibly sad as he sunk into his chair, watching the marauder carefully.

"You look happy" Sirius noted sarcastically, sitting up. "How long am I staying here for anyway? I feel fine…"

"Just another hour probably, waiting on the head healer to give a final say on your condition but you seem pretty okay to me, though that might be the copious amount of potions you were given when you were admitted."

Smiling, Remus sipped a coffee had bought from one of Hospital café, glad it wasn't in one of those sterile plastic cups.

"You going to tell me what's going on?" Sirius said, as he stretched, feeling tired. "Or do I have to find out too late again?"

Remus chuckled, fingering the coffee cup edge. "Dumbledore's sending me away, on a mission up north. I'm afraid that's all I can say, as it's top secret."

Sirius's eyebrow rose and he leant forward in the bed watching him closely. "Secret enough you can't tell someone else in the Order?"

Remus nodded, "I know it sounds stupid…but I have to keep it a secret, and I leave tomorrow so I don't know how long I'll be gone. I might miss your birthday, I'm sorry…"

Sirius shrugged, "S'okay." He told him, watching his friend worriedly. "You really have no idea how long you'll be away? Where will you stay?"

"Accommodation is arranged, I'll have to check in so I'll see you then…but that's all I can say right now…might change as it goes on…"

Sirius considered, his eyes moving ever so slightly not quite staring at anything as his mind ticked over before meeting Remus's gaze once more, "It's going to be dangerous…isn't it? What you're doing…"

"Yes."

"And you could die and we wouldn't know?"

Remus shook his head, "That's not going to happen…at least, I hope not….Sirius, I just…wanted to say something before I left tomorrow."

Sirius still looked a little pale, but he nodded. "Spit it out then?"

"Go see my dad, every couple of weeks or…just an owl or something, make sure he's alright?"

Sirius nodded. "Of course."

"And don't do anything stupid." Remus added, a bit quicker, because he wanted this to not just be a joke. He couldn't handle coming home to this. Again.

"Now that I can't guarantee, Rem you know that."

The pair chuckled together, and Remus patted Sirius's leg as he made to stand. He had a lot to do before he left for Carlisle in the morning, and he had to see James, Lily and Peter too.

"Take care Padfoot."

"You too Moony…"

And as the head healer entered, the werewolf made his exit, Sirius watching worriedly, not really focused on the man checking him over. Hoping that Remus was going to be alright.


	16. To Report

******Notes on this Chapter:** The marauders worry about Remus, as they've not heard from him in four months...

_**AN: **_**It took a month, but I finally got the newest chapter up for Tales! :D Yay. **

* * *

**Chapter 16 - To Report**

* * *

Out fell a small, square mirror. It looked old; it was certainly dirty. Harry held it up to his face and saw his own reflection looking back at him.  
He turned the mirror over. There on the reverse side was a scribbled note from Sirius.

_This is a two-way mirror. I've got the other. If you need to speak to me, just say my name into it; you'll appear in my mirror and I'll be able to talk in yours. James and I used to use them when we were in separate detentions_

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

* * *

"No that's mine, give it back!"

"But I just want to look!"

It wasn't uncommon for these two particular children to fight over property. One looked like a master carver carved him out of stone – all of his muscles seemed to stand out in a silhouette, he had large mess of thick hair and hairy toes. The other was smaller, thinner, looking a little bit like an upside down broomstick, all length no bulk with hair that vaulted upwards and stayed their as though permanently petrified.

They were arguing over a suitcase they'd found, a bit battered but good all the same. They lived in a squatter's house, and they'd only just moved in to this particular property so they were looking over the left items. Their suitcase had been hiding under the bed as though hoping not to be noticed.

The stone like child had seen the other with the item and having always gained the upper hand had snatched the handle from the other who was clawing back at him to retrieve it.

Until an adult turned up. He too looked like he belonged in this world, bearded and tired -looking his face seemingly stern.

"Boys, what are you doing?"

"I found it, it's mine!" Said the broom shaped child, looking devastated as the other boy grasped it tightly. "Please Moony, please tell him it's mine!"

Moony moved his eyes towards the stone shaped boy, "Silas…could you pass me the suitcase?"

Silas shook his head, clasping to it. "I'm bigger and better, so it's mine."

"And who taught you that."

"Raf did."

"Of course he did…" Moony murmured under his breath and he got down so he was level with them, onto the floor, propped on one knee.

"We need to share, boys…we're a pack aren't we? I just…want to look inside the suitcase."

Silas looked at his friend, then back to Moony before he growled and tossed the whole thing to the floor, and bared his teeth. Moony was learning fast that the boys in the pack were all just upset under all that bravado. They just wanted to play and have friends. It was why they were so hard on each other.

Moony opened the suitcase, and inside there were a couple of books, children's books. It made sense really, seeing that the room the boys had found themselves in was a child's bedroom. They couldn't notice but Remus could make out a few details, the markings on the wall where the child's height was measured, a gentle pitter-patter of paint on the floor in one area and the tell-tell signs of what was left of a cot. He couldn't help but wonder what had happened here, for this home to fall apart…

Was it the remnants of a family running away?

The boys snatched at the books before Moony could tell them to stop, but at least they'd picked different ones. He couldn't help but feel surprise as they opened them the wrong way round, upside down and flicked through with no knowledge of how to _hold_ a book…

It was just another grim reminder, of the challenges that some of these werewolves faced.

"Do you know what they are?" Moony asked, and the broom shaped boy nodded his head.

"They're books."

"Can you read, Jon? Or you Silas?"

Jon looked to Silas who also seemed to flush red, Jon shook his head, Silas bared his teeth again

"No I can't…" Silas said with a pout, annoyed, his face turned away to the grim window.

Moony's eyes seemed to twinkle and the two boys were confused until he spoke.

"How about I show you, how to read?"

Jon, who blinked multiple times, nodded eagerly before tugging at Silas's shirt, but he seemed unplussed.

Teaching some werewolves to read, what a mission I have, Remus thought. It wasn't something the others considered to be an asset. Jon wasn't as moulded as Silas yet and he was easier to talk to. Silas would want to see eventually what the young boy could do, he'd get jealous…

A tactic, Remus had found worked heavily with Peter when he didn't want to do something. Let him see just how fun it was before he would finally join in. A tactic that his friends had used on him on many occasion.

Moony picked up one of the children's books, looking for the right one to start with, wondering if perhaps, some of the others would want to learn to read…

When there was a tapping at the window. An owl, big and brown with sad eyes tapped its beak, a note on its leg.

Remus's face turned a paler colour than normal, which the boys considered were pretty difficult, and he rushed to the window to let the owl in.

"Hey, bird!" Jon said, "I didn't know you liked birds, Moony!" he added admiring the Owl that twirled in the room looking for a safe place to land, the note now in Remus's shaking hands, devouring the notes contents.

The boys noticed their friend, their beta to the pack, the nice one look as though he saw a ghost as he looked towards them.

"What _is it_?" Silas asked, snatching the letter out of the werewolf's hands but he couldn't read, the letters meant nothing to him, and Remus, was suddenly stuffing his hands into his pockets, searchingly.

"Boys, I have to go."

"Go? Go where?" Jon asked, "What did it say?"

"Don't worry your heads about it, I just need to go…Raf is downstairs, why don't you tell him about what you found…and that I'll be back as soon as I can."

And before the boys could ask, Remus disappeared with a crack.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore stood bobbing slightly on his feet as he waited outside Honey dukes for his companion to arrive. He helped himself to his bag of pic n' mix sweets of sherbet lemons and Honeydukes own cockroach clusters, chewing delightedly as he looked out the people walking about. Despite the war, despite everything, it was always a brave sight to see people carrying about with their normal lives.

There was the sound of a crack, and his ally arrived, as suspected. Dumbledore checked the time on the clock tower across the square.

"I'm sorry to have pulled you away, Remus…" Dumbledore said as he held out his bag of sweets, looking to the young man carefully.

Remus Lupin sucked on his cheek, before coming forward with large steps.

"You told me there'd be no communication unless it was absolutely urgent."

"And it is, urgent." Dumbledore said calmly, "urgent that we know that you're still out there, Remus. You've been ignoring patronus's and not sending letters."

Remus swallowed tightly, despite the unnecessary meeting, he felt relief flood him in droves. _Everyone's all right, he didn't call me to give me bad news… _he thought.

"The pack can't read are completely muggle in nature… I'll look suspicious to them if I start writing letters and using my wand…"

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "You are not the only werewolf I've ever sent into a pack and they found a way to keep in contact, Remus..."

Remus felt himself tremor and he wasn't quite sure it was because of the cold. Guilt perhaps, because he hated letting Albus Dumbledore down, and something he did so often.

"Then what do you suggest I use for contact?"

"What about one of the two way mirrors Sirius owns, the ones he used to speak to James in his detentions?" Dumbledore gave a knowing smile in the direction of the Order member before popping another sherbet lemon into his mouth with a twinkling expression in his face.

A laugh erupted from Remus's chest. How had he not thought of them? They would be perfect for communication…

If Sirius wasn't using them already. Perhaps he could convince Sirius to show him how to charm something similar…

"Now, whilst you're back with us, I have an order meeting tomorrow…I've booked you a room at the Leaky Cauldron to rest up. We'll come up together for an explanation for the pack to say why you were gone…It's about time we heard what the last four months have uncovered."

And whether Remus liked it or not, it appeared that he had a meeting to prepare for.

* * *

Despite the fact it was James's birthday soon, the Potters were not in the mood for celebration. Newly moved into Godrics Hollow, newly secure with new wards that wouldn't even let in a stray spider James and Lily were in a particularly sad place.

Despite the fact that James's birthday fell on the 27th March, Remus's birthday had been and gone on the 10th and they had not been around to celebrate his twenty first birthday.

In fact, Remus hadn't been around at all in the last four months. He'd missed so much in that time: Christmas and New Year and no one had seen him since he left. Dumbledore had told them what he could, that Remus had gone underground, a term they knew to be spying for the Order and that he was in the North of the country. And yet, the mission was top secret, so not even his father was able to find out where he was.

He'd not owled, no patronus's. _Nothing_.

At least Harry and their new home – the town of Godrics Hollow was a welcome distraction. They tried not to discuss their werewolf friend as best they could in an effort to fight the worry but it was easier said than done when Sirius and Peter hadn't let the whole thing lie. In fact, Peter was starting to bring back the argument, about secrets…

Lily felt a chill as she sat with Harry she knew wasn't to do with the cold. He was nine months now, _nine_ whole months. He was babbling and playing with bricks and starting to say sounds that sounded like words. He raised his chubby fingers at his mother as they attempted to practice a couple of steps. This was another reason Remus being away was so hard, he'd be so surprised to see the size of Harry when he returned…

If he returned…

Fighting that surge of fear she smiled at her son just as he husband rushed in from the kitchen, his eyes wide.

"Dumbledore's sent an owl. Remus is back."

Harry turned at his mother's knees before trying to step towards his father – faltering and almost crashed down to the floor – but it was Lily who caught him and held him to her like a safety net against the sea.

"You're sure?" Lily asked, her eyes worried. "You heard from him?"

"I…well Dumbledore has spoken with him. There's a meeting tomorrow, I think we should go."

They'd not been to an Order meeting since Harry was born, even before that. They had others come to them to share news, Sirius or Peter or Dumbledore himself to keep them updated.

"But we haven't—"

"I know, but we'll take Harry, we'll do something, anything. I can't sit here knowing Remus is going to be there knowing that might suddenly dart off again…I need to know if he's alright."

Lily finally nodded, Harry had managed to scoot to his father's foot, holding onto his leg and then James joined them both on the floor. He charmed his bricks to move and Harry reached out to touch them, half crawling, half moving about as much as he could to catch the bricks and the parents laughed together, finally feeling a little bit more relieved.

Remus was back. Remus was _home_ - even if it was only for tomorrow.

Despite the fact all of the Order had arrived, the meeting hadn't started – and Remus hadn't arrived yet. James and Lily had brought Harry but they had done as much as they could to wear him out so he was snoozing in a cot that was charmed to rock gently behind them – charmed so that he wouldn't be disturbed in his sleep. Sirius was sitting beside James looking grim and Peter too looked lost in his own thoughts.

Until the door opened and a figure entered the room, causing the whole table to look up in anticipation.

Not that it was Remus, this man had long hair, shaggy looking with a beard. He actually looked like a tramp that'd wondered in accidently, wearing gloves and a large duffle jacket.

But then he came forwards, towards the front of the table to find a seat and Lily's insides froze.

It was Remus. But he looked so…so…different.

Dumbledore stood, shaking Remus's hand. "Thank you for coming, Remus. I know you've had a long trip." He turned to the rest of the Order, and if he was surprised at their surprise it didn't seem obvious.

"Remus is going to brief us on his time away, as best he can. I would ask you to not ask questions until he is ready."

The table sat still and Remus just nodded, he turned to the table all of whom looking at him in surprise.

"Now that my cover is completely established…" he looked to Dumbledore who nodded, offering his acceptance. "I can tell you in full of the events that have transpired in Carlisle where I have been spying on a pack of werewolves."

Some of the table shifted, Peter shivered, and Sirius stood a little taller in his seat. Lily's hand was squeezing James's.

"Albus has been hearing whispers that Fenrir Greyback, a man of fearsome reputation has been convincing werewolves across the country to join the Dark Lord's cause, promising them equality."

A mess of beard hid Remus's face but Lily was sure she could see something hard in his eyes that caused her to also shiver.

Remus continued to speak, "Werewolves in this country tend to hide with muggle tramps – sleeping rough and squatting. The ministry tend to leave them alone for the most part – They attend soup kitchens and support groups for their addictions to drink for the most part – they are not monstrous in their day-to-day lives like the evidence Fenrir offers the paper. Far from it, we wish to be able to earn and live securely, which is a struggle. It's full moons that are tricky but the vast woodland of the Lake District mean that for the most part we go undetected and are safe. As the only wizard in the pack, I secretly set up some wards so we are much easily hidden."

_We. Why did he say we? _Lily thought worriedly as something unnerving settled in her stomach.

"The pack I joined, has been avoiding Greyback and his own packs movements, hence their station further up in the north of the country, I've become a solid member of the pack in the last four months learning what I can to fit in and I am becoming increasingly useful, I'm about to see if they all want to learn how to read…."

Lily had no doubt that Remus was an asset in a werewolf pack… This news made Lily swallow, as she listened. What would they do if they found out he was a spy?

"But Fenrir has got his sights on the pack and hence my lack of communication, it isn't as clear cut as the rumours seemed to suggest. They aren't being convinced; they're being _forced_ into joining. Fenrir want's the ultimate army and he can't do that without every werewolf in the country on his side. He's giving death threats to the pack leaders and threatening the children..."

Remus took a breath that he was clearly holding, "So far, that is all I have picked up, it is more about…establishing friendships and protecting this pack and gaining their trust, which I think with most I have. This is the long game, and Fenrir is on the hunt for the pack as we speak…so I am afraid I can't be here very long. Does…anyone have any questions?"

The room was so silent that you couldn't even hear the sound of breathing, as Lily was sure that everyone had not known what to say to this revelation.

Remus was alive, Remus was whole and that was what was important.

"I have a question." Lily finally asked and everyone looked round at her, watching closely.

"Of course…Lily, what is the question?"

It was like they were back at school and Remus was asking Lily a question about a test, and she smiled at him from her seat, the lines playing around the corners of her green eyes as they creased.

"Is it against the rules to give my friend a hug?"

Remus chuckled a little with a nod, and the tension in the room fizzled out as Lily rushed out of her chair and hugged him tightly. He smelt like he had been out by a bonfire for too long, and some other smells she couldn't place but knew weren't particularly appealing – but she didn't care. She was happy he was home, for a moment at least and in that moment everyone started to speak as though it was an ordinary meeting again.

There were serious questions of course, about what Fenrir intended to do with his army – and they were Voldermort's to command, but Remus couldn't answer those questions as well as he would like. He was able to talk about the pack, about the way they lived, about how they had survived. Those questions, despite being hard to hear that muggles, witches and wizards lived that way he could answer in full.

As the meeting finished, Remus was finally introduced to a nine month Harry who was as usual, a fascination to Remus.

"He's huge!" Remus awed, smiling at the baby but Harry didn't much like the look of Remus, the beard doing it probably, and the fact that it seemed very likely that now he was getting to the age where only those that were regular visitors to his life were considered friends.

Lily held onto the little one, who was groggy and awake. "He's sleepy Rem, I'm sure he'd like you more without the beard."

Remus smiled but he could still see that Sirius was looking at him worriedly. He sensed a conversation he was dreading and so he avoided his gaze. Instead, James was eager to hear more about being a spy, like they were children again.

"It's not…like doing anything that different…just not telling whole truths…" Remus said, looking a little awkward at the question.

Despite the fact he was sure his friends were angry with him not keeping contact, it appeared James and Lily were adamant not to waste time.

"Anyway," James told Remus, ruffling the man's prematurely greying hair. "We're going to have all of you round for Harry's birthday, alright?"

"Oh?" Remus asked, "all of us?"

"Well, just us, like the old days, plus Lils and Harry…make a night of it, you know? Just in case you have any crazy ideas about rushing off. Besides, you've not seen Godrics Hollow yet have you? It's a beautiful place, I'm sure your Dad would like it…"

Remus smiled softly, swallowing as he watched them all, even Peter seemed more in-depth with the conversation now, asking about what he should bring with him.

He finally pulled himself away from the conversation to speak to Sirius who was still frowning. His hair had grown out, which was a warning sign and Remus itched as his beard, which he was still getting used too.

"You look weird with a beard Moony" Sirius finally said his arms crossed as he leant against the wall.

"Well, helps with my cover…" Remus admitted, "You been alright?"

Sirius run a hand over his chin, looking contemplative. Something played in his face that Remus couldn't, wouldn't understand because he wasn't Sirius Black.

"I didn't get into the auror program."

_Oh._

Remus's eyebrows raised concerned. "Padfoot I'm sorry…why—"

"I didn't pass the character tests. Apparently I'm too _unpredictable_, spontaneous…not a good quality for an auror apparently…"

Remus tilted his head, but didn't answer. Unfortunately, that was just Sirius for you: head strong, furiously loyal and fierce in his decisions. Remus put a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry Sirius—"

But despite Remus beginning his sentence, already, Sirius was on the warpath with his response.

"Your dad's been asking after you, and everyone here, and I had no answers, not even a bloody owl? Or a patronus, Remus?" Sirius snapped finally.

"I said before I left—"

"_Four months ago_, Remus. We were almost _sure_ you were dead. Caradoc was declared dead in less time than that!"

The men stopped trying to cut each other off, because the mention of Caradoc's name had caused enough head's to turn and the pair looked bashful and when the crowd had stopped looking Sirius refused to meet Remus's face before walking out into the hall and Remus with a frustrated sigh followed.

_And I thought I was good at sulking...what did I do? Is this really just about not being in contact?_

"I really am sorry," Remus said, again and Sirius stopped sharply to look at his friend.

"Are you? Or are you just sorry Dumbledore _forced_ you to come back?" Sirius asked, his eyes fierce.

"He didn't—"

"He certainly did," Sirius said with a heated tone. "We discussed it at the last meeting…and I think that hanging out with werewolves and teaching them to read is not going to help us win a war."

"Oh, and sitting around this table and walking around London waiting for a fight to come to me is any better?"

"Well at least I'm with my family here, with my friends, the ones who really care about you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know exactly what it means!" Sirius snapped, "If they find out you're a wizard that your life is better than there's, that you're a spy, do you think they'll accept you in their little pack any longer? Do you think they'll be supportive of you?"

"That's different, I'm passing you their secrets—" Remus said carefully, but he could see where this was going and he didn't like it one bit.

"And we kept yours, didn't we? Still do? We were twelve years old when we found out what you were and we didn't turn you away, and all of a sudden your kind show up I'm in a pack now and they need me. What about us? What about me and James and Peter? All the work we put in to be with you when you transformed? So we could be together?"

"It's _different_!"

"No, it's not." Sirius said angrily, "We are your family, and we deserved to know if you were alright, so next time you leave, _next time_ you have a free minute with your pack, it'd be nice to know that you're not dead. _Alright_?"

And with that, Sirius stormed back into the meeting room, leaving Remus squeezing his fists at his sides, staring at his mud covered boots.


End file.
